Where is my calf?

I read an excerpt from a talk given by Bradley D. Foster entitled: Mother Told Me.  It helped me to understand some of my recent feelings.  The story wasn't really about what I felt, but it helped me put my feelings into words.

"In my profession as a farmer and a rancher, I've had a front-row seat to observe how a mother’s natural affection manifests itself even in nature. Each spring we take a herd of cows and their new calves up along Idaho’s Snake River, where they graze in the foothills for a month or so. Then we round them up and bring them down a road that leads to the corral. From there they are loaded onto trucks that carry them to their summer pastures in Montana...

On one particularly hot spring day, I was helping with the roundup by riding at the back of the herd as it moved down the dusty road toward the corral...

Because it was so hot, the little calves kept running off into the trees to find shade...As soon as we got the herd into the corral, we noticed that three of the cows were pacing nervously at the gate. They could not find their calves and seemed to sense they were back on the road somewhere. One of the cowboys asked me what we should do. I said, “I bet I know where those calves are. Back a quarter of a mile [0.4 km] or so, there’s a stand of trees. I’m sure we’ll find them there.”

Sure enough, just as I had suspected, we found our lost calves taking a nap in the shade. Our approach startled them, and they resisted our efforts to round them up. They were frightened because we were not their mothers! The more we tried to push them toward the corral, the more stubborn they became. Finally I said to the cowboys, “I’m sorry. I know better than this. Let’s ride back and let their mothers out of the corral. The cows will come and get their calves, and the calves will follow their mothers.” I was right. The mother cows knew exactly where to go to find their calves, and they led them back to the corral, as I had expected."

 I have felt really anxious lately.  I'm not sure why, exactly.  It is the same feeling I have when I need to get a lot done and don't think I will have time.  But, I don't have anything I am trying to get done right now. So I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way.  

I started thinking about how a mother's body changes to support a growing fetus.  Her body prepares for her child to be born.  After the baby is born, her body produces milk to feed the baby.  We don't have to think about these changes.  They just occur.  They happen so we will be able to give and sustain life.  I think that our minds also prepare for a baby.  These changes aren't as specific as milk production or weight gain, but it must occur so we aren't shocked when we have to start caring for our baby. I thought that because I knew Eli wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have that problem.  But I think those feelings are so innate that we can't shut them off.  I am so connected to Eli and my brain hasn't quite processed that the baby I helped create and deliver doesn't need anything from me anymore.  

The other day I was driving Ethan to gymnastics.  Lincoln was in the backseat and Katelyn was at a friends house.  I had the distinct feeling that I had left someone at home and almost slammed on the brakes.  I had to think through it to realize that I really did have everyone.  It felt like someone was missing.  I had forgotten someone.  It happened again about 5 minutes later... a panic feeling that I had left someone at home.  Even though I know Eli isn't here and doesn't need my help right now, my brain hasn't completely processed this.

I feel like one of those mother cows in the corral whose calf is missing.  I am pacing back and forth trying to get out of the gate.  I know that my calf is safe in the shade.  I can't see him.  I believe he is safe, but I still feel unsettled and anxious...just like that mother cow.  I know I should look back to the corral where the rest of my family is. To focus on them right now.  But I feel like I can't rest because my calf isn't with me.  

Can you see the terrible dilemma this causes for me?

I think in time, I will be okay that my little calf is in the shade and I will be okay that I am in the corral, but I wish I could just go back and get him sometimes, so I will feel complete and calm.