I am a planner. If I don't know what I am making for dinner by 11 am, it is a rough day. I like to plan very far in advance. Here's a great example. Last year, in January, I thought I would have a baby this Christmas. I know that when I have a baby, it is a lot harder to do things. So, I bought a bunch of neighbor gifts in January so I would be ready for December. I saved every single binky that I bought for all of my kids... just in case baby #4 liked any of them. I have saved almost every piece of clothing that either Katelyn, Ethan or Lincoln has worn so that if baby #4 is a boy or a girl, I will be ready. I bought a nice new stroller and car seat when we had Lincoln to replace our first, low cost car seat and stroller we bought with Katelyn. I just knew that we would be using it for 2 kids, so I didn't mind spending a little extra money. I made sure it was gender neutral even though I knew Lincoln was coming. I have a big Tupperware full of Katelyn's princess paraphernalia, just in case #4 was a girl. I buy winter boots in dark blue (gender neutral again) in every other size, because everyone can wear them and there will always be a size that sort of fits. I have recently relented and bought Katelyn pink boots. Half of the storage in my basement is either baby stuff or kids clothes.
I am not a hoarder. In fact, I frequently throw away things I shouldn't because I don't want a bunch of stuff cluttering up my house. One time a threw away a cell phone box that cost us $70 because we needed the UPC code for the rebate.
I made sure everything that needed to be done before baby #4 came was done last January because I knew that I would be too sick to do much. It is really quite obnoxious, looking back. I really left no room for a change in my plans. I was just trying to prepare.
The other day, Jason was at Costco trying to decide it he should but 1 pack of ink cartridges or 2. There was a better rebate for buying 2 and he needed my input. When he asked, I thought, "Well buying a 2 year supply of anything, is assuming a lot. That assumes that we will be alive in 2 years and need the cartridges. That assumes that the world will still be turning and our printer won't be destroyed in the rubble of our house after the big earthquake...etc." Well, I told him to go ahead and buy the 2 packages, but was so bothered by my previous planning I had done. I wanted to go in the basement a haul all my crap to the dump in big black garbage bags.
I was so annoyed that I had assumed that I would need all of that stuff. I had certainly assumed I would be able to get pregnant. That is quite an assumption. I mean, I never had problems before, but I just assumed it would be mine for the asking. I assumed that I would stay pregnant. I assumed that my baby would be born alive. I assumed that the baby would come home in a car seat. I assumed that I would use all of that stuff. It never crossed my mind that my plan would go very differently. I thought if it didn't work out, it would be a timing issue instead of death issue. Anyways, the whole experience left me really thinking about my hypertensive planning problems. I started to get mad about my year supply of food. "What a waste!" I thought. We always plan on needing something: like my baby stuff and my food storage. We never plan on NOT needing stuff. (Because that doesn't require planning.) I was just so aware of how rigid I was in my plans for the future.
I think that is part of the reason it is so hard for me to go forward. My life seems so open ended. I have never felt this way. When I was in grade school, the next step was middle school, then high school, then college, then a job, then marriage, then a baby, then a baby, then a baby, then a baby, then...something (I didn't get that far in my planning; I didn't have to plan that until baby #4).... I didn't have all of those steps along the way, but every time I had a major life change, it seemed like there was another step waiting for me. I felt like I always knew what was coming... more or less. But this is pretty different than I imagined and I still feel a little too rigid. I didn't realize that as I was doing that. I don't think it is bad to plan. I imagine that I will do it again, but it will never feel the same. I thought I was "flexible" and was willing to let God take me where I needed to go. I never had a deviation big enough to make me feel disoriented and confused.
It is really quite shocking that my life did go roughly the way I thought it would for so long.
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