I haven't had a "normal" day since July 2nd. We had our first ultrasound of Eli on July 3rd. Our world was completely turned upside down. That may not sound like a long time to you, but it has been a long time for me. I have woken up every morning with a weight. For many months there was an uncertainty that came with the weight. There is no more uncertainty...at least as far as Eli is concerned. I feel a little uncertain about my future. I don't remember how I felt before I found out about Eli. I can't imagine what I worried and fretted about... but I had plenty to worry and fret about. I don't view the world in the same way anymore. Hardly anything we spend our time on REALLY matters.
I don't wake up and "remember" what has happened. It has become part of my cognition. It doesn't come and go when I sleep. I am constantly aware of Eli. I was constantly aware that I was pregnant, that he wasn't going to live, and now I am constantly aware that he is gone. It has worked its way into every layer of my brain. It should, because he is part of me. I guess if your arm was chopped off, you wouldn't forget about it either. I don't think I have ever felt a gnawing and continuous weight like this. I have gone through hard things and difficult experiences, but rarely have I been completely consumed in it for a long period of time. I was able to be distracted and compartmentalize things a little better. Not any more. It makes me feel like I will carry it forever. I know that it will never be "over." My relationship with Eli is eternal...it is very much a relationship. I know that will continue. But, I would love to wake up and not feel the heaviness and consuming power of living in this telestial world. I know this will happen, but I can see that it won't be quick. It will be a gradual lightening of the load over an extended period of time. I will wake up one day and the joy I have felt from this experience will be stronger than my pain.
In February...before I was pregnant, I watched this Mormon message:
Daily Bread: Pattern
It was very helpful. I was going into my pregnancy a little nervous about how I would physically survive it and take care of my family. I learned how to take things a day at a time. I think we have all heard this, but I never had to put this into practice like I did at that time. I tried very hard not to think ahead. I tried to only think of the things I had to do that day. I would literally divide the day in half and only think ahead a couple of hours. If I thought of the many, many days I had left in this physically taxing endeavor, I became horribly overwhelmed. It was a valuable lesson. It carried me through the first few months. I am doing this again, but not because of a physical limitation. There is such beauty having to do this. You realize how completely dependent you are on the Lord to provide the way for you. We usually think of God providing the way in a broader sense and over a longer period of time. But what about when we have no idea how we will make it until Friday and it is Wednesday? You have to narrow your focus and open you mind to the hourly sustenance that God is willing to provide..
I know that the last several months have been more taxing on me than any other single experience of my life. But, I am still here and I am still allowing God to teach me and help me grow. This is a result of Him sustaining me; giving me enough to carry it. The 2nd verse in "How Firm a Foundation" states: "As they days may demand, so thy succor shall be." (How Firm a Foundation)
I had an interesting realization a few days ago. I have wondered... (probably since July): When I will "feel better?" When this will be "over?" I think that's why the idea of grief being a lifetime process is so overwhelming to me. I don't want it to be "over." I want this experience, because Eli is the experience. But, I do want the pain to diminish a little. I realized that I want to "feel better" so I can get back to "my life." I missed the point. This is my life. I shouldn't wait until "God's plan" is over, so I can get back to "my plan." I didn't consciously think this, but that's was at the root of it. I wanted the testing period to be over so I could sit back and relax and enjoy myself again. This whole life is a testing period.
I heard a story from a very wise man. He was telling us how Jeffrey R. Holland had been on an exhausting and lengthy trip with President Hinckley. Because he was so tired and hadn't had much sleep, Elder Holland asked President Hinckley if he could come in "a little later" in the morning so he could get some much needed rest. President Hinckely said something to the effect that he didn't have time to rest... that is what the millennium is for. So, from the life and example of a prophet, we don't have time to sit around and drink lemonade. We have work to do.
I realized that to fully give my heart to God, I have to get over this: "When am I going to feel better...so I can get on with MY LIFE???" I didn't (and don't) fully comprehend that giving our hearts to God is a day by day endeavor; not a one time decision. I felt like my heart was given in so many ways when I felt I would have to give Eli to God. I felt I was able to do this. Imagine my surprise, when I realized that I hadn't given everything. Even after giving my precious baby, I still had some reservations in my soul. I am going to have to think about this awhile.
No comments:
Post a Comment