1. Grieving is a lifetime process... I believe people when they say this but I didn't want to hear this...especially when we first learned about Eli. It felt like someone was saying... You are going to have to carry this really heavy backpack around for the rest of your life. The straps will dig into your shoulders and cut you... and your back is really going to have some problems. You will ache a lot and maybe even get a herniated disc or two. Don't worry... You'll get used to it after awhile. Lots of people do it.
2. Everyone grieves in their own way...what is helpful for you might not be helpful for someone else... This is also really unhelpful. It's like we are at a grieving food court in the mall and I have the ability to pick and choose my favorite flavors of grieving... Yum...this one is delicious... I'll pass on that... it looks like its been sitting there for days... no thank you... I can't even tell if that is really food. I feel like when people tell me this that I am supposed to innately know what is best for myself. Or I can look around at the menu and see what looks most palatable.
3. The first year is the hardest. So do I just put my head down and hope the next 365 days go by super fast? Can I be in a medically induced coma for awhile... just kidding. They told me I would have to do the first year over again if I did this.
4. There is no timetable for grieving. Everyone is different. What about the first year being the hardest and the journey lasting your whole life? Can that be accurate it there is NO timetable?
5. It never gets better. I have had MANY people say this to me. It scares me, but the more I think about it, the more I don't believe it. Nothing stays the same forever. Great moments fade and horrid moments dwindle. That is because we live in a place where time exists. There is a constant waxing and waning of our emotions. They aren't as predictable as the phases of the moon, but they constantly change just as the moon does. If any men are reading this, they might venture to say that women's emotions change a little more often and suddenly than men's. It doesn't seem like a plausible thing to say that it will never get better. I don't think my gushing arm would will be gushing forever. It has to change. It has to scab over and heal at some point. I get that your arm will never be there again, but the wound itself can't remain the same. Maybe what people are trying to say is that you never get a new arm. You never feel complete until you are with your loved one again. Instead of saying "it never gets better," it might be more accurate to say that "your love for Eli will never change." There will be feelings that continue from such a dramatic loss, but it won't feel raw and unmanageable forever.
So basically. it's never over, there is no "right" way to feel or grieve, the first year sucks, but don't get wrapped up in the timetable. Got it.
By the way... I guess I'm in the "anger" phase of grieving because of my little rant about this....is there there a sarcastic phase? I would get permanently stuck there and might enjoy it a little.
I have a funny little analogy for you. Ethan doesn't like to throw his food away...EVER! If he doesn't eat one bite of his waffle he will tell you and in hopes that you will eat it. He can't throw his pizza crust away. If he has one lettuce leaf left, and he is full, he gets pretty upset. I have just resigned to telling him that I will eat all of his leftover food. I don't actually do it. I wait until he isn't looking and throw it down the disposal. Go ahead and judge me if you want. I have tried to tell him that throwing away the lettuce leaf really is okay. I don't encourage my kids to throw away their food, but it is okay sometimes. I am happy he is like this because he isn't wasteful. It is a very good quality. He takes care of his toys, clothes, etc very well. He wants everything to stay nice. I think these qualities are related. I only say that because Katelyn could care less what she throws away. She doesn't value her stuff like Ethan does. It seems like an innate quality for both of them; for better or worse. I was thinking about this the other day as I was thinking about the process of grieving. It seems like a fairly vague thing to talk about. It carries a wide range of emotions. I think if you try and ignore this process it will come back to bite you. It will be worse. So here's the analogy. If you don't eat your grief the first time and try to ignore it by throwing it down the disposal, you are going to have to dig it out of the disposal and eat it later. And it will be nastier and harder to stomach.
I think I will read some books about the subject. I have already started one. I should be better acquainted with the theory of it since I have to go through the journey of it. Maybe if I read a book telling me how terrible it is supposed to feel, I will feel more normal in my horrific feelings?
I have to say that I have started making a few choices from the grieving food court, and it is a little more innate than you would think. I have started to notice what helps me and what doesn't. I have made some food choices that I never thought I would make, but you'd be surprised what ends up being best for you. I have heard a lot of people say that "so and so does this or that" to feel better and you can tell they either don't agree with that person or don't understand why they would do that. There is a lot of ignorance when it comes to this. If you are ignorant, enjoy that feeling; and support grieving parents in what they are doing...even if it seems weird to you. Having your child die isn't something you would expect or want, so you might do things you wouldn't expect or want to do.
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