Alive

You go through a lot of emotions when someone tells you your child might die.  As we went home from the ultrasound, and for several days after that, I was keenly aware of how alive everything looked. I still am.  I went out to our garden (which is miraculously growing well this year), and saw how alive it looked. I looked around at the trees, grass, bushes, everything and was puzzled that EVERYTHING seemed to be growing. I don't even water some of those plants. I hardly notice that they are there. And let's not even talk about the weeds in my strawberry patch. They are alive and well. I felt like my baby wasn't going to have the same fate and it seemed unfair.
I saw Lincoln playing across the lawn and distinctly noticed his little arm hanging down by his side. I had never looked at it like that before. It was so beautiful... kind of chubby with beautifully smooth skin and 5 perfect fingers. I was sad because I knew that our baby boy's hand might  never hang down at his side like that. He might never throw a ball or swing his arms while he runs. 
It made me feel like the baby inside me was broken. He wasn't built right. He wasn't "normal" that was a terrible thing to experience. I would see other pregnant women and think: "Their baby is normal. I bet he can move his hands. I bet that mom hasn't even given it a second thought.  I bet his brain formed perfectly and his little heart, with all of its complexities, is totally normal." It made me feel alone.
I remember God telling me that "I made his body for his spirit... Not the other way around." He told me this long before I knew what his body looked like. As I have begun looking at the world differently, I can see the beauty in everything. God made everything just as he intended to. He doesn't "mess up." Everything he has made is beautiful, but I didn't always recognize the beauty in it. I usually notice a beautiful sunset or a rainbow, but I'm not sure I notice smaller, less obvious creations, with the same awe. Look around when you go outside. It won't take you long to see craftsmanship of God in virtually everything. He is God of perfection.
There's nothing wrong or broken with my baby. He is the exact creation God intended. The doctors have to "explain" what "happened" to his body. They have to break it down to a molecular level so we can all "understand" and feel better about it. God had already explained it to me.  He is EXACTLY the way he is supposed to be. What an interesting paradigm shift this is for me. I know that God works with the medium of eternity and not mortality.  I know that our baby's life will continue for eternity.

I believe our Father in Heaven often talks to us with our own words and teaches us through our own understandings.

Those of you who know me know I like to lift weights for fun, weird I know, as if life wasn't hard enough right?!?! When you lift weights you get microscopic tears in the muscle. The good news is that as these little tears repair themselves, they prepare the muscles to handle the same type of exercise better the next time. The muscle gets more resilient, meaning the next time you do that same exercise you won't get damaged as much. That doesn't mean you are stronger, or mean you can lift more weight. It just means your muscle fibers are likely stronger so they won't tear as easily. Over time they'll build up and become a stronger fiber to lift more weight. Because the muscle adapts quickly to the same exercise, one needs to vary the weight, reps, type of exercises, and duration, otherwise you will plateau and there will be no progression.

Here is what I have felt our Father in Heaven telling me… Jason, I would submit that spiritual growth is not much different than physical growth. You have been tested, tried, and challenged in many different ways in your life, and that is a requirement (Isaiah 48:10, D&C 136:31). If all of your challenges were the same you would never grow after the initial shock. In order to progress spiritually, the weight, types of challenges, and duration need to vary otherwise you will plateau.

I have felt myself being stretched and torn by this trial. It has been overwhelming at times contemplating life without our son. There have been tender moments of joy, and sadness, and I’m sure many more of both to come. We do not know what will happen and when it will happen, but we are to walk by faith in this life not sight (Corinthians 5: 6-7). “You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down” C.S. Lewis. I know we will all have to pass through winter in our lives, but the summer always comes after winter. No matter how cold, dark, and bitter the winter, we can find warmth and strength in gospel. Even in the middle of the worst winter we can have the summer rays of heaven, enlighten our minds, quicken our understandings, warm our souls, and distill upon us as dews from the heaven (D&C 11: 11-14, D&C 121:45).

I know that these microscopic tears will give me and our family increased spiritual strength and protection from spiritual plateau (D&C 122:7). Above all no matter what we are asked to pass through I will not forsake my God.

Jason

Some thoughts on LOVE

There are a lot of fears as we face this situation.  Let me share with you some fears about love.  Love doesn't seem that scary, so you might by puzzled by this.

At first, I thought: "What if I don't love him enough?"  That may seem silly; how could I not love him enough?  He is my son!  I felt the length of his life might be directly related to the intensity of my love for him.  Normally, (for me), it takes awhile for me to truly "connect" with my baby after they are born.  It's not that I DON'T love them.  It just doesn't happen all at once.  I feel that love grow as they grow and as I get to know their personality.  It grows significantly when they start sleeping through the night : ) It was unsettling that I wouldn't have the same amount of time with him.

Then....I thought: "What if I love him too much (as if that can actually happen)?"  "What if I love him so much that I can't let him go?"  That thought scared me even more.

BUT... I realized that the only love worth having is the later.  I realized that I can't be scared to love him fully, even though I know how much more that will break my heart when he's gone.  We listen to a lot of music around here and one of Lincoln's favorite songs says:

"Love like I'm not scared..."

Well... maybe I am scared, but I know that is the only love worth having.  It's the only love that means anything because it takes a piece of your heart and changes it forever.  It is not reserved or conditional or half way.  It means giving it all...even when you know what will happen.  

And that's how we will love our baby boy.

Options

When they told us that our baby boy had a positive test for trisomy 18, they gave us 2 options:

1. "Early induction"...meaning we could have the baby right away.
2. Continue the pregnancy
We didn't even think about these 2 options.  There was only 1 option for us.  

We know that God created this life and that it is not up to us when his mortal life ends.  We know, very well, his life could end before we deliver him, but it not our right to decide if this happens or not.

Our "plan" is to continue the pregnancy.  They are going to have us come in for ultrasounds every 4 weeks to assess his growth.  If his growth drops  below a certain percentile it is worrisome because it would be more likely that he would die in utero. If his growth drops, we will reevaluate the need to deliver.  The purpose in delivering early would be to spend some time with him as opposed to having a stillbirth. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for the 31st.  We will keep you updated. 

By the way, his growth was right on target  at his last ultrasound : )

I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God- it changes me.

C.S. Lewis