baby bucket list activity #21: Provo Beach Resort

Provo Beach Resort:

The kids really wanted to go to this place with Eli.  We decided to go bowling, ride the carousel, and get some Blue Bell ice cream.  Jason thought about taking us down south, to Mississippi, where he served his mission, to get some of the best ice cream on the planet, but it seemed a little too far, so we got it here instead. Eli enjoyed bowling, but was beat by dad and Ethan.  He probably takes after his mom...not much of a bowler.

yep

Yep, we really are having Eli next Wednesday. 

Ultrasound

We had our last ultrasound yesterday. We took Katelyn and Ethan with us. Katelyn seemed excited...Ethan was bored. I told him he didn't have to come, but he wanted to. We had a different ultrasound tech. She ways good. 
Eli was moving well.  He has flipped, so his head is up now.  I was surprised because he has been head down the whole time.  He does have a lot of fluid to swim in, so its not totally surprising that he has moved (at least to the doctor).  I guess they can do a "breech extraction."  That sounds like a horrible dental procedure to me.  They can deliver him bum first instead of head first.  I didn't even know they did that.  Because this is my 4th baby, she said it was fine to do.  All the more reason for the Dr. T to do it for me, because I really trust his judgement on this sort of thing.  He may still flip over before it's time so either way.... we'll just do a "normal" delivery. She advised against having a c-section again.

Growth: He is about 4 1/2 lbs and less than the 2nd percentile.  I guess they can't tell you anything less than 2%. I knew he would be small, but it's still a little surprising. 

Fluid: My fluid is up to 32... a new record for all of my pregnancies. Last time it was 30. I am more uncomfortable than I have ever been with a pregnancy and have had people comment on my large size.  It is really nice to know that other people notice as well :) just kidding

Placental function:  This time they did something called the "placenta dopplers." They did this one other time. It shows the blood flow in and out of the placenta.  Those were normal.  My insulin needs have gone down a little bit so this might be a sign that the placenta is starting to poop out.  Also, his growth is declining, so that may be a sign the placenta isn't doing as well. She said that the placenta is more likely to stop working during the 3rd trimester because of his diagnosis.

My blood pressure was fine.

I think they have to look at all of the things that are going on, and look at how old he is gestationally to make a decision.  She wanted to "get things going..." meaning have him soon.  She sensed some hesitation from us  I told her that I don't think we will ever feel "ready" to have him. I told her that Ethan's bday is on Saturday and we were hoping to avoid that day.  She seemed a little hesitant, but told us that we could wait until Monday.  I told her that Dr. T wasn't on until Tuesday and she thought that would be ok.  I have since realized that he isn't on until Wednesday... I am going to try and talk with him today and see what he thinks.
I'm fairly certain we will have him next Wednesday, the 5th.  We had decided to try and go until the 11th unless the doctors recommended otherwise.  She did.
We are just grateful we have made it this far and that he has done as well as he has. God is in charge and Eli is supposed to come at a certain time.  We have had great experiences with Dr. D and trust her judgement.   We know that God is guiding her as well as us. If there are changes happening in my body or Eli's, it is because it is part of the unfolding process. It's not necessarily bad.  We trust God. He knows what he's doing.

blessing outfit

We had to talk about what we would do with Eli only given a very short time with him.  It's hard to go through these thoughts in your head.  Usually after I have a baby, I just want to make it home and get into a "routine."  Nothing is routine about what we are doing. So... with only a short time to be with him, it was actually quite easy to decide what mattered most to us.  We want to hold him.  We want to talk to him.  Ethan especially talks about talking to him.  I ask him what he will say.  He says that he will say "I love you."  I told him that is all he has to say... it is enough.  Katelyn wants to hold him for a LONG time... she says. We would like the chance to spend some time as a little family together.  I would love to give him a bath.  After some precious family time, we would like to give him a name and a blessing.  I had to find something for him to wear.  As with other things I have had to do, nothing was quite right.  It wasn't perfect enough.  After buying many things and looking for a long time, I was able to find something that felt comfortable to me.  My friend knew someone in her ward who could alter it to make it smaller so it will be closer to his size.  This is what I found.  It seems  perfect to me now.

baby bucket list activity #20: Museum of Natural Curiosity

Museum of Natural Curiosity:
This place was amazing!  I wasn't sure how great it would be, but it was so much fun.  All of the kids had a wonderful time and I was thoroughly entertained watching them play.  We could have stayed for hours and hours.

Lincoln was totally wild in the water area.  He made a horrible, wet mess... which is what they are supposed to do.  He isn't afraid to get messy.  Ethan isn't like that.  He couldn't wait to leave that room!

beautiful little gift

This is a beautiful gift from Chantel (and Josh) and their family.  She made it... I was touched and impressed.  There is a place underneath the glass where you can put a photo so it shines through.  I especially liked the light it produces.  Thank you.

No other way

I am at a loss for words.  Its easy to write stuff about our "baby bucket list."  I just throw on a few photos and write what a fun time we had... The end.  Not much substance, so it doesn't require a great deal of thought.  Even posting about beautiful and thoughtful gifts from people doesn't require a lot from me. Other things are harder to put on paper. 

I guess the people around me are sensing, what I am very much aware of.  Time is getting short.  Eli is coming soon.  I have had that line from "The Grinch" in my head.  "I must stop Christmas from coming." But, like the movie shows us... it will come.  We have had a recent influx of telephone calls, texts, gifts. People letting us know that they know it's close.  At first, I wanted to hyperventilate.  I realized that there were at least a few things that I was putting off until "later." I have realized that it is "later." I feel like there are so many things in my head that I can't put on paper. Some are too abstract or vague... some are too personal... some are too raw.  Maybe I will share things later... I don't know.  

I will tell you a few things that are going on in my brain right now. A couple of weeks ago I started to get really nervous.  I realized that the time was at hand.  No more of this... "when October comes" business.  It is here.  I knew it.  I didn't like it at first.  I could feel and see my belly growing and the days ticking with no chance of it stopping.  Those feelings lasted a little while, but have been replaced with other feelings. Mostly peace.  

Two days after we received the test results for Eli, I got a little white board that has lived in our basement for years. I wrote a scripture on it and put it by my bedside.  My idea was to change the scripture every so often.  I would put something on there that would help me through each particular piece of this journey. Well... I haven't changed the scripture one time. Not out of laziness.  I just needed that scripture, and I need it more than ever now.

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17: Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then we may stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed. 

I know that there are things that I can do right now.  I can be his mother. I treat this pregnancy as if it were any of my other pregnancies...probably a little better. I haven't thrown in the towel because they told me he is going to die.  It's not because I necessarily think that I can change the outcome. It is because he is alive now and I am responsible to do all in my power to give him the life he is supposed to have... even if it is very short.  We have planned and prepared things to the best of our ability despite so many unknown variables.  

But, on the flip side, there is so little we can do. Maybe that is part of the reason I like this scripture.  I know that God's power will be manifest and I will see it.  This is His plan.  It will go just the way He needs it to and I will be more of a spectator than a person calling the shots.

The whole "cheerfully" part has been a bit of a challenge at times... sometimes is works, sometimes its not quite there.  

But the next part is critical for me: "Then we may stand still...with the utmost assurance...to see the the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed." There is such power in the the idea of standing still and letting God work in our lives; Trusting him. Trusting the power that he possess and that His will can be made manifest to us.  I can stand still and watch and listen to what he tells me.  Maybe this idea is so significant to me because there really is nothing I can do to change Eli's outcome.  I know that what "lies within my power" is pretty minimal.  It helps me trust God and His plan more knowing that I really  have no control.

I feel such peace and reassurance knowing that he will be with me every step of the way.  I trust this.  I absolutely know that there are many things I am completely unable to do myself. Usually I can muscle my way through something or "gut it out." This is completely different...Much more than I can handle.  I am profoundly aware of that as I go through the different scenarios in my head.  I feel that He has to be there to steady me and hold my hand during the unfolding of this process... especially the the end of Eli's life.  I am no match for that kind of thing.  I know that He will because He promised He would; so that it what I hold on to.  I don't hold onto my own ideas of how to get through this...I hold His hand and He will take me through this because there is no other way.

just a little sweetness

Ethan and Lincoln as such wild sleepers. Ethan may have the best "bed head" I have ever seen. I love seeing them asleep (for many reasons).  I always feel so grateful that they have a warm place to sleep and they are perfectly comfortable.  I don't worry about their safety.  What a blessing. I love that Ethan is holding our Ryan Lion.

bird houses and winter time

Last week our neighbors came to visit us.  They had a special gift for us.  It was this handmade, beautiful bird house. I have never seen one so intricate and beautiful.  He taught us several things about birds.  

One of the things he told us was that they like the inside of their houses light (hence the white paint inside). Don't we like the inside of our houses filled with light (literally and figuratively).  

Only certain kinds of birds will nest in a house.  Other breed nest in trees or other places.  Similar to us... we all find our "home" in a little different circumstance.  The thing that is similar is that home is a place of refuge and safety for us.  

He talked about birds that sing.  What a joyful noise.  I have heard people say that we don't know if animals experience emotions.  I think that is ridiculous.  How could a robin sing if there wasn't a feeling behind it?  I'm not sure if God made any living creature without the ability to feel and experience joy.  Isn't that the purpose of our creation?

He talked lifespan of robins (robins are his favorite).  Most robins die their first year.  But the lifespan goes up dramatically for the ones that survive that critical time, because they've learned so many life skills.  Robins that do live, only live to be about 5 or 6. Winter is a critical time to learn and practice survival skills.  

Isn't this true in our lives?  As me and Jason have talked, he has talked a lot about how winter always comes.  It does.  I'm sorry if you think you are immune. No one is.  Winter is a little different for everyone.  Sometimes it's a little harsher and colder, but it comes no matter what.  It is part of progression.  Hopefully we are prepared enough and are equipped with some spiritual survival skills.  The good news for us is that God can spiritually bring us back to life if we do start to die spiritually.  Me and Jason have sought help through the ways we have always sought help.  We search the scriptures to find the promises we can hold on to.  We pray (and pray and pray and talk and pray).  We go to the temple to receive power and additional inspiration.  We keep our eyes fixed on God.  This isn't new to us.  We were so relieved when we realized that we didn't have any horrible bad habits or things we really needed to stop so we could get our lives in order.  As soon as we were faced with this challenge, we felt confident going to God for his help; in the same ways we have always gone to him.  I think it is much more frequent and we have a far greater level of intensity, but it wasn't a change of life for us.  I'm not professing to be perfect or even close.  I have fallen asleep during my prayers before and let too many weeks go by without going to the temple.  I have some far greater weaknesses that plague me, and I don't really need to enumerate them.  But the patterns were in place and they steadied, and continue to steady us, through the coldness.

There are beautiful things about winter, but also dreary things. Sometimes winter lasts longer than we like it to.  You should ask me how I feel about the whole month of February... but thankfully, spring comes too. Just  remember that winter doesn't always come in your spiritual life as gradually as is does in real life.  Sometimes it comes when you are hanging out at the pool drinking lemonade.  Did I bring my boots and snow shovel and furry coat to protect me... even though in July it didn't feel like I would need it?

special package

We received a package in the mail from my brother and sister-in-law, Tyler and Ashley last week.  We opened it as part of family night and it was so sweet.  They sent us a favorite goody that they each had so Eli could try them.  There was so super soft licorice, beef jerky, gummy peaches, and mamba's. Eli liked the soft licorice best : )  It was such a thoughtful thing to do for our family.  We also got a gift card to Sonic that we need to use soon.  I was especially touched by the pictures that Lauren and Cami made for Eli.  These are the first pictures he has ever gotten and it made me so happy.

I am really annoyed because I tried and tried to get these pics to rotate... pretty simple thing to do right?  They look right everywhere but blogger.  I finally gave up as I have more important things to worry about. Dumb computer! (I'm sure it's not me...ha!)

Doctor appointment

I went to another doctors appointment yesterday.  I saw Dr. T. My blood pressure is hanging out where it has been (129/84).  I feel like all of my questions have been answered a least 2 or 3 times now, so I didn't have much left to ask.  We talked about being able to use Eli's body for research or anything else.  He said this won't be possible. I'm fine with that.  I am just trying to make sure we don't have any questions left unanswered.  He said that he met with all of the doctors in his group and they re-discussed our situation. They are all in agreement that not resuscitating is the course of action they would recommend.  Dr. T is going to talk with neonatology today to make sure we are all on the same page.  I guess Dr. M (the neonatologist) has been out of town, so he will be back today.  
I have an ultrasound next Tuesday and he said to be prepared to deliver him if something looks weird on that.  I know this could happen, but I don't anticipate it.  I guess time will tell. 

I would really like to wait until he is closer to 38 weeks if possible.  He will be more developed. Also, Ethan's birthday is November 1st. He has his birthday party all planned out and I want to make this happen for him.  I also realized that Eli will have been here for all of our birthdays if this happens.  We found out we were pregnant just 2 days before Lincoln's birthday.  Katelyn and Jason were in May.  I was in July.  It would be sweet for me if he were here for Ethan's birthday too.

baby bucket list activity #19: Nebo loop

Nebo loop: We went on a beautiful drive up the canyon.  We were going to do the Nebo loop, but it got dark sooner than we expected, so we cut our drive a little short.  It was beautiful and much colder than we thought it would be.  These pictures are by Payson Lake.

hour glass

If there was ever a moment in which I could stop time, it might be now.  I feel very connected to Eli...to his body...to his spirit.  I know that it can't stay like this forever.  As I watch my belly grow, faster and faster, I know that it is impossible to keep him inside.  I want to keep his spirit inside me as much as, or more, than I want to keep his body inside me.

It's odd, because there have been moments during this journey that I would have been okay for it to be over.  I didn't want to think about the same things over and over again.   I didn't want to live with uncertainty.  I didn't want to connect more, because my heart will break that much more.  I didn't want to watch the seasons literally change as I felt what was impending in my life. I just wanted it to be over.

I don't feel like that right now.  It is so real. We have planned out our weekends until  he is born.  We have planned things beyond when he will be born.  I signed up to go into Ethan's class and help several times in December and January.  I felt wrong in doing it.  I know that I don't actually know, with a certainty, what December and January hold, but I am pretty sure I know.  It's hard to think about Halloween because it is so close. In August it seemed so far away.  We were still going to 7 peaks. Our baby bucket list was long.  Now the days are colder and the list is short.  I couldn't put up my fall decorations.  I actually love fall. I love feeling the brisk air and the start of soup season.  I felt like if I left my summer wreath on the door, summer would last forever.  It's still there... but leaving the wreath there won't stop any of this.  I was a little offended to see Christmas stuff as Costco.  How dare they plan that far in advance?  As if life is just going on... of course it is.

I want to hold these feelings in my heart forever.  As painful and uncertain as it is, I feel a sense of fullness because he is with me all the time.  I want to stay in this moment. I want to bottle it up and preserve it, like it's peaches or salsa.  But you can't do that.  I remember having Lincoln as a newborn.  He would arch his little back when we would pick him up sometimes.  It was the most beautiful and perfect feeling.  I knew it would fade because he would grow bigger.  I was sad to think of that.  He did grow up and did other endearing things, but nothing quite as perfect as a newborn back arch and yawn.  I want to bottle the feelings I have with Eli up... and keep them forever.

We have know for several months that there would be a goodbye.  I feel like we should be more prepared to say goodbye, but I don't think you ever are.  If you love someone, you can never  feel like you are ready to say "goodbye." No one says it better than President Uchtdorf:

We Are Not Made for Endings

"In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."

I think we all have those precious moments that we don't want to end.  Maybe it's a conversation where you connect with someone.  Maybe it's a beautiful sunset.  Maybe it's when you first fall in love.  I think we all have felt the bliss of this and the hint of anxiety that follows; knowing that the moment will end.  But, we hope for more moments just like this in the future.  I hope for these moments.  I wonder how it will be someday when we live with God. 

In Alma 40:8 it says :"all is as one day with God, and time only is measured unto men..."

I wonder if all these blissful moments will be simultaneous or ever present before us.  I can't even imagine that, but it seems that this is an eternal principle that we can't comprehend yet.  I feel like because I am mortal...time is very really to me. Fleeting moments are very real.  Endings are very real... every though I know better.  My spirit knows better.

baby bucket list activity # 18: REAL game

REAL Salt Lake game:

WE had such a fun opportunity to go the REAL soccer game last Saturday night.  Bryan (my uncle), called me and arranged the whole thing for us.  Our baby bucket list is growing shorter and shorter as the time for Eli to come grows closer and closer.  Robin and Bryan felt we should add this to the list as we have soccer roots in our family.  I couldn't agree more... I was grateful for this idea and the arrangements made by them.  They also provided each of us with some REAL paraphernalia.  Lincoln got a little soccer ball that we had to take to the game with us.  It was funny and hard to keep track of sometimes.  Ethan got a little flag/pendant.  He has been sleeping with it.  So sweet!  Katelyn got some socks and wore them over her leggings to the game... I wish you could see that in the pic. We didn't look at our tickets very much before we got there and didn't realize that we were on the front row?!!  That's not usually how we roll : )  It was amazing!  Jason looked like a little kid on Christmas morning.  It was a beautiful stadium... never been there before that.  We had such a fun time, and REAL even won!  We sat right near the goal and watched them score there 2 goals.  After being that close,  I really have to wonder if Beckerman's head itches.  

You never know what tomorrow holds. So choose to treat every experience, every relationship, ever challenge and every day as the absolute gift that it is. 

baby bucket list activity #17: Pumpkin Patch

Pumpkin patch:
We went to a new pumpkin patch in Santaquin (The Red Barn).  It was my favorite one we have been to by far.  There were lots of activities for the kids to do and we had a great time. Lincoln calls it a "Pumpkin catch" instead of a pumpkin patch.  It is so cute.  He also thinks that we are going to eat the pumpkins for some reason.  He wanted to eat one while we were there.  I told him he could go ahead and try it, but he didn't.  

Eli's pumpkin

It looks like I swallowed a whole pumpkin patch.  Jason assures me that it is the "angle" and that I am not really that big. I obviously have embraced it because I am posting a picture.  I felt a family photo was more important than my vanity.  Even if I don't really look like that, I feel just like that : )

Dr appointment

I had a doctors apt with Dr. T this morning. He is has been wonderful...every time I see him. I talked to him about several concerns and he is always able to answer my questions and understand where I am coming from.
My blood pressure is holding steady:125/88. My weight went up a ton, so I was wondering if this was a concern. I fairly certain that most of this weight is fluid...he said he didn't care as long as my blood pressure was ok. He said that my amniotic fluid going DOWN is more of a concern than it going up. I have never heard this before!!! If your fluid goes down it means that your placenta isn't functioning. If if goes up, your placenta is working, but Eli isn't swallowing (which they would expect anyways...) I'm surprised to be hearing new info at this point. Well...my placenta seems to be working fine. 

He wants a me to have an ultrasound a week sooner than we scheduled. My next one isn't until I am 37 1/2 weeks; this seemed pointless to me because we will deliver him soon after that either way. If we do it a week earlier we can actually see how Eli is doing and whether waiting that long is advisable.

 I talked to him about the actual labor and delivery. In the past, I have never been "ready" meaning my cervix isn't ready to deliver. They have to put stuff on your cervix to get it "ready" or soft. They have a couple of drugs they can use for this. One of them requires that you have it done every 3 hours and you have to stay in the hospital during that entire time. So, basically, you have to go in the night before and stay all night while they "ripen your cervix." Then they start you on pitocin in the morning when the doctor comes in. I have never really liked this process because you have already been up the whole night before they even induce you. They also have another drug that they can give every 6 hours. You can go home in between. I started going into labor when I used a drug like this with Katelyn, but it was better because you actually get to be at home. I am not really looking forward to being in the hospital for obvious reasons, so I think we will use the drug that allows you to go home. He doesn't think it is quite as effective, and in my experiences, so far, I would have to agree, but I would rather be home.

We talked about doing non-stress tests and he said that he didn't think it was a very good idea. Basically they hook you up to a monitor and watch a baby's heart rate and how it responds when he is moving. He said that because Eli has neurological problems, his non-stress test wouldn't be normal anyways, so we would have no way of knowing if something was wrong based on this. That is the first time anyone has explained that to me. I have had non-stress tests with all of my babies. When we first received Eli's diagnosis, we talked about doing these, but then the doctors said we didn't need to, I never felt a need to do it, but didn't have a specific reason why. I was grateful for this additional info.

I asked him if Eli's body could be used in anyway to help someone else. I know that he can't be an organ donor because of his diagnosis, but I was wondering if they couldn't use any part of him to help anyone else (research of any kind). He said he would check... He didn't know. I'm guessing that this won't be a possibility. They know what causes trisomy 18... A sperm or egg whose chromosomes split improperly upon conception. They don't know why it happens. There is nothing they can do about a chromosome problem, so its not like they are looking for a cure or anything. I just wanted to exhaust all questions I have.

 I talked to him about my concerns with neonatology. We have decided no to do any drastic, life saving measures. No intubation or assistance breathing, no IV drugs...basically nothing invasive. We know that it won't "fix" his problems. It may prolong his life while he is on the "life support," but can't fix the underlying cause.  We don't feel like it it good for him to experience this kind of pain unnecessarily. I have thought a lot about his brief mortal experience.  I have thought about all of his senses and how this will be for him. I want it to be pleasant and beautiful... not painful and scary. We know that he will be here exactly as long as he is supposed to be. He truly is in God's hands. I just wanted to make sure that we are all in the same page and that neonatology doesn't get anxious and try to resuscitate him if it isn't what we want. He said he would talk to the head of neonatology (Dr. M). I know this doctor and Dr. T said he would be on the same page as us. Dr. M is basically a genius. He looks like it too. He has this crazy curly hair and small spectacle looking glasses. He walks funny and it constantly talking to himself. He was a little intimidating to work with, but is seriously a genius. I needed to hear Dr. T tell me that Dr. M would be on board with us. He is going to talk withhim so they have an official note about our baby. That way no one is trying to change plans last minute. Some neonatologists are more aggressive, but I trust the experienced Dr. M. It is weird (and nice) to know these people. By the way, the other neonatologist we saw was also Dr. M... Not the same one. I wouldn't trust her with my medical decisions...or my child for that matter. 

I asked Dr. T what he would do if this was his baby. He said he would do the same thing we are doing. That helped me. The benefit and downfall of thinking about this so long is that we can go over and over and over these decisions in our heads.

baby bucket list activity #16 : Conference Center

Conference Center:
Me and Katelyn went to the conference center for the Sunday afternoon session.  We decided to make it a tradition to take our kids to the conference center after they turned 8 and were able to go.  It took us a little longer than it should have with Katelyn since she is now 9 1/2, but it worked out well because Eli was able to go with us.  It was so powerful to be there.

letters to Eli

I bought a journal several weeks ago.  We use it to write letters to Eli.  It has been an interesting experience for me.  I struggle sometimes when I write because I truly think of Eli as a mature spirit.  I think we were all mature spirits before we came here.  We did live several thousand years (at least) with God before we came to earth. I imagine Eli being much more pure and knowledgeable than me about things that matter most.  Then I think of his little, tiny body inside mine.  He is tender and fragile, and so in need of my body's constant protection and nourishment.  For some reason, those two ideas seem to contradict one another.  I know that they don't, but it's hard for me to imagine a beautiful and robust spirit in a frail little body.  I can't figure out who I am writing to.  The ideas are hard for my finite mind to connect.  All of us are mature spirits shoved into mortal bodies.  We seem to lose sight of that sometimes...especially when our 3 year old colors on the wall or unrolls the toilet paper roll.  That doesn't seem all that mature or obedient.  Anyways... my letters to him have been interesting to write and I know that as I look back I will see the significance of my feelings for him.  Ethan and Katelyn have also written him letters.  They, of course, think of him as a little baby and write to him as such. It is so precious and sweet to read their words.