I have a good friend that very recently lost her baby. More recently than me. Her baby's girls name is Laena. My friend was 20 weeks pregnant when they found out that Laena's heart had stopped beating. I don't know what that feels like. She had to go to the hospital, knowing that her baby was already gone. She had NO hope of meeting her alive. But, she still had to go through the process of delivering her...at the hospital... surrounded by happy mom's and dad's with pink and blue car seats. She had to go in there with a baby in her tummy and leave there with no baby in her arms. What in the world?
I feel such a so protective of her right now. I want to scream at everyone and ask them if they know what just happened. My heart aches because, although her experience is different than mine, it is very much the same. I would have never realized that until now. I would have thought it was unfortunate that her "pregnancy ended this way." I would feel bad and maybe take her a loaf of bread and honestly, think she was doing "fine" after 6 weeks or so. Her daughter just died. I'm sorry if you see if differently, but that is what actually happened. I have felt this need...since hearing about her loss, to educate the world on how to treat people when this happens. I feel obnoxious for feeling this way, because I know that I have no authority to speak on anyone else's behalf. I know that no two peoples experiences are the same. I know that not that many people read this anyway... so my thoughts are presumptuous. But I do feel such a need to reach out and love and protect my friend. I want to help her. I want to help myself too, but everything shifted and changed when I heard about Laena. I wanted people to understand because I understood at least part of what she was going through.
What are you supposed to do when someone loses a child?
What to do: Something...anything done in love is well received
What NOT to do: Nothing...doing nothing is the worst thing you can possibly do. It sends the message that you are not important enough to me to try and love you. I know people don't really feel this way most of the time, but when the end result is nothing...it is hard not to feel this way.
Maybe I should be more specific:
For me, I want someone to look at me in the eye and sincerely ask how I am. I don't want them to be scared of the answer. It might be better to say: What was hard for you today? What are you struggling with today? Because you aren't doing "fine" and when someone asks "how are you doing?" we are programmed to say "fine" or "good." We want to do the socially appropriate thing. We want to give people the answer they want. But, you aren't doing fine. How in the world would you be fine? If you skip over that question entirely and ask a more probing question, you have acknowledged that you know that aren't fine. Its hard to say "I'm not okay..." But you aren't.
Use their child's name. There is no way that bringing up their child will make their pain worse (unless they are blocking all the pain. I don't know how that works. I haven't tried it and don't plan to). It can't be worse than it is. Their child is dead. Not using their name and not talking about them makes it feel like they never lived at all.. like they didn't exist. So... I think talking about their child and using their name is a good thing. It is healing for me to hear Eli's name. I want people to remember that he is my child. I think that losing a baby can be particularly painful for mothers because no one knew this child. He didn't run around the neighborhood with friends. He didn't play with cousins. It makes the loss easier for everyone else, but it doesn't make it better for mom. I think many moms in this situation walk around with a silent, unacknowledged grief.
Don't assume that faith takes away pain. It doesn't. Apathy takes away pain. That's why the opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If you love someone, you will be sorrowful when they die. It is not a lack of faith. Does our faith in Jesus Christ, and the glorious resurrection bring us peace? Yes. But don't think it takes away the pain. Don't try to slap a gospel band aid on it without realizing the true process of mourning with those that mourn.
Don't assume that the younger the child, the lesser the loss. You lose many things when you lose a child. You lose a part of you. You lose the future you had dreamed and hoped for them. You lose the life you thought YOU would have. You also realized that you won't be with them again until you are dead (which is a long time, when your young child dies). It has been hard for me because I don't know as much about Eli as I would like to. I don't know if he is funny (I'm assuming he is because he is related to me)! I don't know if he is serious and quiet or loud and boisterous. Is he a peacemaker or does he rough house. I didn't know him long enough to know any of that. That is good in some ways, but really hard in other ways. I still have that mother/child connection with him, but have a loss because I don't know him the way I would like to. I know that I will someday, but, like I said before, that is a long time away. When you lose a baby, people might think it is better than losing an older child. I have no idea if it is better? But it really sucks...it's plenty bad. I hope I never know if one is really worse than another.
I think about becoming more like Christ; how do we emulate him in a situation like this? What would he do? Seriously...what would he do? Would he sit home and do nothing because He wasn't sure what to do? Would He say nothing because He was so afraid of saying the wrong thing and offending the person. Now, you might be thinking "Well...He was perfect... He wouldn't struggle with those things like I do. He actually does know how that person feels." True. But, he still expects us to try. He expects us to run to the aid of those drowning. We shouldn't look the other way and hope they learn to swim. We need to try because He is able to reach that person through us. I may have been the worst culprit of this not too long ago. I always felt like I wasn't the right person for the job. God would surely send someone more qualified than me to their aid. I am sure I have said more than my fair share of ignorant things to people who were in pain. But, I have learned a valuable lesson. You never just sit around and wait to be invited or wait for someone else to step in; no matter what the situation is. If someone is hurting, you run and help them. I have also learned that the spirit of your help is more important than the help itself. Even if you say or do something awkward or seemingly insensitive, the love from you is what that person will feel and remember. I will be different than I have been from now on.This may be a plea for my friend...it is a plea for all of those who carry this grief...often alone and quietly. Yes... it may even be a plea for myself.
A lot of people have asked me how they can help me. Sometimes I have something to say, but most of the time I don't know. I want to say: "If you think of anything...let me know. I'm at a loss." I should say: "Ask God. That's what I am doing. He always has great ideas."
Don't forget about Laena. Her precious mother, JaLaine, never will. Her father, Mike, never will. She was born on Thursday, November 27th. Her last name is Moore.
People are hurting all around us.
Grief is an interesting thing. When we lost our baby at 16 weeks, I felt robbed that I didn't get to at least deliver and hold him/her. We had just seen the baby the week before moving around like crazy with all its little arms and legs. My baby was surgically scraped out of me (sorry, graphic) and I felt very bitter about this for a long time! I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, I didn't bury my baby and yet I was feeling the loss so profoundly. I have become much more aware and a lot more sensitive to the loss of a child at any stage. I think I was a lot like you, I used to think, "Oh, that's sad" and then forget about it. Now I feel like I grieve and mourn for and with those that have experienced a loss. It's been 15 months since our loss and I feel like myself again (though I've been changed forever), but the ache will always be there when I think of the dreams I had for raising that child. I can't help but think of the incredible reunion between these spirits and their mommas! Sorry to write a book, I've felt like I had a lot to say about this. Thank you for sharing all of your feelings!
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