dream

I had a dream last night. I was holding a baby. It was my baby. It wasn't Eli. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl. My other kids were the same ages as they are now. Me and Jason were in a hurry to get somewhere and we gathered up the kids and our baby to go. I didn't have any intense emotions towards the baby. It was our baby, and I loved him/her, but the emotions were not overwhelming. 

I woke up and realized it was only a dream and this was real life. I didn't really have a baby to take care of. I wasn't overly sad about the dream. I didn't think about it for several more hours. Later on I thought about it and wondered why my kids were the same ages as they are right now. I wondered why I didn't love and hold onto that baby in a different way in my dream. I wondered why I didn't feel more emotion towards the baby. I wondered if the dream was my old "plan".  Was it a way to show me what my life could be like? Could I ever really know how precious and sweet that baby was until it was gone? Why can't THIS part be the dream?

I have wondered if this experience is a way to show me what is important.  Was God trying to help me appreciate the blessings He has given me? Was I blind before? I was blind in some ways, but not because I wanted to be.  I sought God and I wanted to love my family fully.  I wanted to focus on what mattered most.  I have always felt this and have made sacrifices to do this.  But, I couldn't do it fully because I had never experienced joy and pain in such a powerful and profound way.  It is like a pendulum swinging back and forth.  You can't swing one way without it swinging the other way.  My pendulum just wasn't swinging that hard.  It wasn't my fault.  It just didn't have a reason to.  

As Neal A. Maxwell stated: "...the cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day be the receptacle of joy."  Do I get to experience this so that everyone who has a baby to hold will hold onto them a little tighter?  That might be part of it.  There are lots of reasons...some I know... many I do not know.

I thought about the dream and about the first time I held each of my children.  I thought about how I felt. 

Here is a picture of the first time I held Lincoln. It is a nice picture.

Here is a picture of the first time I held Eli.  It is a different picture.