Clubs

I recently read a poem that described a lot of my feelings. This woman describes her experience going to a book store after her newborn died.  Instead of buying a book about babies, she was buying a book about grief.

"The titles inviting me to join

their band of broken hearts and shattered lives.

I want to scream-I do not belong here!

...I choose the book on grief

and lay it on the counter like an unclean thing.

The eyes have changed, they look away,

no longer wanting to see inside you.

They secret my purchase away

but I am not concealed

I have been torn open for all to see..."

Remember in high school when you were able to take part in extracurricular activities...some of them being clubs.  There was FHA, FFA, NHS, Key Club, chess, etc.  What if you showed up on the first day of your freshman year, and they randomly selected students to be in certain clubs?  You didn't get to choose.  Well... no one would like that.  The whole point of these clubs is to find something that suits you and helps you interact with like minded people.  What if, for example, there was a toilet cleaning club.  5 out of 2000 students were selected and were in charge of cleaning toilets every Wednesday for 3 hours after school. Students in this club wouldn't be able to be part of any other club for the duration of their high school experience.  

I feel like I am a new member of a club that no one wants to belong to. It is the club of mothers whose babies have died.  People shudder, sometimes literally, when they hear about this club. They say, "I can't even imagine." 

No.......you really can't imagine. 

I imagined and imagined and imagined from July until November, and I couldn't have imagined how this would be.  It is a small band of sad women, who feel relegated to dark, lonely place. They thought they would be in the club of "New Mothers," which makes the contrast seem even more unbearable.  They are on the outskirts of the rest of the population; just in seeing and hearing distance from the "New Mothers" club they had planned on joining.  This club looks sickly and feels like death, and everyone in this club has thought that death would be preferable to this place on at least one occasion. There isn't much to look at in our club besides empty arms and shattered dreams, so a lot of women find themselves looking longingly towards different clubs...but mostly just the one club.

Many people like clubs of one kind of another. I'm not sure we call them "clubs," but that is what they are.  Here are some easy bumper sticker examples.  I am in the "RAGNAR" club.  I am in the "LOTOJA" club.  I am in the "My child is an Honor Student" club.  I am in the "Baby on Board" club.  I am in the "Obama Hater" club.  You don't see bumper stickers that say: I am in the "sit on the couch and eat Cheetos all day" club.  I am in the "my child gets C's and D's club."   I am in the "I forgot to vote on election day" club. Or even worse: I am in the "infertility" club.  I am in the "Yearning to be Married" club.  We don't want to brag about those things.  We don't like being in those clubs.  We like to take credit for all the "good" clubs we are in, but don't put a spotlight on the clubs we don't like.  There is no bragging in the club I belong to. No one wanted to be a member. 

When someone new joins the club we all weep when they arrive.  We never want anyone else to come and join us.  We would rather everyone was in the "New Mothers" club even if we can't be there. When you first arrive, it feels wretchedly unfair that you have to be here at all.  You are happy there is support and love, but you can't get over the fact that you hate this place. You hate that you are a lifetime member.

You do different things in this club.  Going to the cemetery on holidays has become a new tradition for many of us.  You are grateful you have a place to go, but feel too young to be there in the first place.  On the 23rd of December we went "shopping" for headstones.  It was as unpleasant as it sounds.  I was bitter that my holiday "shopping" was limited to this right now. Who in the world does that when they are only 33?  Someone in my club does that.

For Christmas, I was planning on buying tiny shoes and socks for my bundle of joy.  Instead I got to buy a wreath to put on his grave.  When I imagined spending Christmas with my new baby, this isn't what I had in mind.   When you get gifts you don't get sweet little outfits and diapers.  You get books about grieving and calming bath salts.  Because you actually have time to read books and take baths every night now that your baby is gone. Please don't think I am ungrateful for the above gifts.  I most definitely am grateful.  I need those things in abundance right now and I truly appreciate them.  I am just sad that I am in the club that has to receive those gifts.  When someone picks out a card for me they don't go to the "welcome baby" area.  They go to the sympathy and condolence section. I only know because I recently bought a card for someone in that area and it seemed like a cruel irony. 

There are initiation requirements for some clubs.  In the "New Mothers" club you are initiated with nursing problems, sleepless nights and a post baby body.  In my club, you still have your milk come in, but no baby to feed.  You still have sleepless nights, but not because you are snuggling your baby.  You usually have a post baby body too, but no baby to validate that either. 

My friends say I still belong to their "club," but I know I don't.  I can't anymore.  At least not right now.  I feel like I have been marked.  I will always be here, but someday I can be part of other clubs again.  Clubs of my choosing, hopefully.