Story time

Our experience with Eli was so unique because we had a lot of warning before he died, but not very much actual time with him.  I always felt he would be born alive, although I didn't know this for sure.  In the early days of our journey we talked about what we wanted to do with the limited time we would have with Eli. It was a time to look for purpose and be deliberate, and not just find things to fill up time.  We could all do better with this idea... including me.  I don't usually feel like my time with someone has an expiration date, but I did feel like that with Eli.  I couldn't wait until later to do this or that. I didn't have tomorrow to hold and kiss him.  It didn't matter if I was tired or in pain... I only had today.  

It was a blessing to be able to live like that for the months leading up to his arrival and during the time he was with us.  We didn't do ANYTHING haphazardly.  We just didn't have time for that. There was a day, I remember distinctly, that I was laying in my bed in the middle of the afternoon (trying to stave off the nausea with a little shut eye).  My eyes were wide awake, and I knew that on another occasion, I would have deemed that a waste of time; just laying there and not sleeping. I would have gotten up and done something "productive."  But I didn't that day. I just layed there and held my tummy and tried to soak in that moment.  I thought that this was my chance to take a nap with my baby.  Usually I have done that, quite by accident, after having a newborn, because of the exhaustion that comes with that.  I knew this was my only time to talk a nap with Eli.  I held onto him, literally and figuratively, knowing that I wouldn't get naps like this in the future.  It is a challenge to live like that all the time because we always think we will have another day.  But what if you don't?  

"Dream as is you'll live forever.  Live as if you only have today. -James Dean. 

How often do we do that?  How often do we do take full advantage of strengthening a relationship in the moment, because that is the MOST IMPORTANT thing we could be doing with our time. I have been annoyed with all this holiday cheer...That's just where I'm at right now.  I think "Are all of these things that everyone is doing strengthening relationships?" If what you are doing is really going to strengthen a relationship, then, by all means, do it!  If it isn't, it's a waste of time! A big, fat waste of time. Instead of spending 3 hours researching which game would stimulate your preschoolers brain activity, why don't you spend 10 minutes deciding on which game to buy and the other 2 hours and 50 minutes playing with that preschooler? That will stimulate their brain.  I don't care how good the other game is.  It won't strengthen your relationship unless you sit and play with them.

I'm pretty sure you all know this, but when you die, you don't get to take your Christmas presents with you.  No one will care if your stockings matched.  No one will care if your had a perfect place setting for Christmas dinner.  God doesn't care. It will matter if you looked at someone while they were talking to you.  It will matter if you gave someone a hug and told them you loved them.  You only get to take a couple of things with you; relationships and knowledge. We are wasting a lot of time, my friends.

We didn't have moment to waste with Eli.  It was very easy for us to decide how we would spend our time with him.  We wanted to give him a blessing. We wanted to hold him and kiss him and talk to him.  I wanted to do skin to skin with him.  We wanted to read some stories to him.  We wanted to sing to him.  We wanted pictures of this so we could remember.  We didn't plan anything else besides that.  My mind couldn't go further than that, and nothing else seemed important.  We were able to do all of those things... and nothing else mattered.

One of the books we read is entitled: 

Love is you and me

"Love is me.... and love is you. So when you smile, I smile too.

When you're around the skies are blue. It's like being happy! times two.

Love is...sweet.

Love is GRAND!

Sometimes love is just holding hands.  It's a feeling inside.

It's a smile in your heart.

It keeps us together when we're apart.

Love is fun! It's feeling free!

Love lets you be who you want to be.

Love will catch you when you fall.

Love! It's the greatest gift of all.

It's just us two...without a care.

It's what we give...

and the times we share.

It wipes away the tears...send our troubles along...

Love is the place where you always belong.

And we've got love-me and you. We're sticking together. We'll see it through..and wherever we go...

Love will always be...because

love is you and me.

It was written for me and Eli...or so I felt, the first time I read it.

I have read that people stay in their grief longer because they feel it connects them to their loved one. I very much understand that idea.  But after I read this book, I heard the spirit whisper to me that my love would connect me to Eli; not my grief.  It was a powerful truth that gave me hope, and helped me understand that love is more powerful than sorrow or pain. Love endures, while those other emotions fade.