I remember... before Eli died... I would hear things about the holidays being tender or difficult for people that had lost a loved one. I barely understood what grief was in a theoretical sense, so I certainly didn't know what it would mean in my new reality. I thought...I won't have to deal with that. Lucky me. That only applies to people who have once enjoyed a holiday with their loved one and they have since passed away. Eli was never here for Christmas, so that won't stir up anything for me. There are multiple things I thought I wouldn't have to deal with in the world of grief that have surprised me and this was one of them. Something I have learned is that grief covers everything in your world. It permeates your whole life and affects things that you didn't think it could or should or would touch. It sort of descends on everything and makes some things better, some worse, some more meaningful, some without meaning, etc. It just changes everything.
I have graduated, somewhat, from the naive feeling I had about the holidays not "affecting" me and knew that Christmas would affect my grief. I have found peace with this idea.
This year felt like big deal to me. I practically missed last year. I was so absent emotionally. As I look back at pictures I see myself, but don't honestly remember much about being there...probably because I wasn't. Your mind has a powerful way of transporting you somewhere else even if you body is present. I felt excitement about this year as I prepared and shopped and did traditions with my family again. I also felt some sense of anticipation as we changed a few traditions to help us remember Eli and make the holidays meaningful. I felt DONE with the fluff...the silliness...the extra's that just ended up weighing me down and taking up my time. I wanted to trim the fat and do only those things that would help us remember our Savior and feel closer as a family. I also wanted some meanigful traditions that would help us feel a closeness to Eli. We planned our holidays, partiuclarly Christmas Eve, and I wondered how it would feel. I really wondered how the kids would receive it. It wasn't as much "fun" as what we had done in the past and I worried that is would be a disappointment to them and they would simply "tolerate" what mom had planned. But as the days played out, things were smooth and sweet. We all enjoyed our new simplified and meaningful traditions and I felt a sense of peace about our changes.
I'll share a few things we did. On Christmas Eve we went to the cemetery and left a lighted candle on Eli's grave. This is a tradition that many people have and it is was very sweet to me to see so many families gathered around graves in the snow...probably heading off to their holiday parties afterwards...but taking time to remember their loved ones on this important day. We also decided to sing some Christmas carols. We aren't exactly a Christmas caroling family, but I enjoy singing and I thought it would be fun to try. We stood there in the cold and sang. At first, it felt a little awkward for us. There was a family near us and we aren't exactly the Mormon Tabernacle choir, but after just a few lines I started to feel comfortable. I didn't care who heard. We were there and we were sharing some sweet moments with our son. We had a nice candle lit dinner that night and spent some time talking about Eli and our other brother, Jesus Christ. We talked about how sacred and holy Eli's birth had been. He is the nearest thing to perfection that we will meet in this life. Then we tried to imagine how Christ's birth had been. Because of Eli, our family has a very tangible and real connection to something that was more of a story before. We were able to connect the sacredness of Eli's birth and death to our Savior. I think it made it much more real for my family. I think about Mary and her experiences. I feel I can read that story with a new perspective now. We talked about two brothers in heaven...how both wanted us to come back and would do anything to help us get there.
We gave each of the kids a little box that looked like a treasure chest. Each year Eli will give them a gift that will help them remember him in some way. We also had a family gift from Eli...a "memory gift." It is meant to be something that will help us to keep creating meaningful memories as a family much as we did when we did our baby bucket list. This year he gave us passes to a children's museum we hadn't been to. I was surprised as I watched our kids. They seemed happy and content and hardly missed the crazy, fun things we had done in the past. I guess we all want to be spiritually fed no matter our age and that need is stronger than our need to just have "fun." (Of course, there is a need for fun too, but on this day, we needed something else). Our family just needed to be fed and strengthened.
This year I had a stocking made for Eli. Each year, we will buy him a book. This year it was "As Long as I'm living my Baby you'll be." It was very fitting and appropriate for how I feel right now. I will always feel that he is my baby in many ways...even thought I know he isn't in infant form right now. He will always be my "baby" literally and figuratively just as all of my kids are my babies. We read this book together . We also read the books we had read in the hospital when he was here with us. It was tender and sweet to do that as a family.
This year, I felt that taking the time to do those things on Christmas Eve was tremendously helpful in my grieving process. I needed time to think and have tender feeling towards Eli. When the excitement of the other Christmas festivities came along it wasn't grinding on me because we had taken that time already. It was okay to have fun and enjoy the lighter side of Christmas because we had done the things of true importance first.
I gave my birthson that same book!
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