shut in vs shut out

Ok, after my last post, I had a good friend talk to me about what to do when the person needing help shuts you out.  I haven't been on this side of the fence recently, but let me tell you my thoughts.  The first couple of weeks after Eli died, I hardly talked to anyone. I talked to Jason and God.  I did this because it was all I could do at the time.  It wasn't necessarily because I was too sad, mad, angry, etc to talk.  It was just way too much to process. There were simply too many emotions for such a finite mind to go through.  If I did have a day where I felt okay, I was scared to talk to anyone for fear that they would say something that would send me into a tailspin.  If I was having a really awful day, it usually took me at least a day to identify what I was feeling.  So, no matter what kind of day it was, I didn't talk to anyone.

 The reason I tell you all of this is because I didn't even feel capable of talking to anyone for a couple of weeks.  It has been 5 weeks ago since Eli was born, and I feel a lot more capable of talking now.  But, I still struggle sometimes and shut the world out.  It is a way to cope and process what it going on inside of you.  I received countless texts and emails in the days following Eli's death.  I don't think I responded to any of them.  I felt incapable.  I didn't answer my phone.  I received cards and didn't read a lot of them until later.  I would open one here and there.  It was too overwhelming to open them all.  I am usually a very capable person so feeling overwhelmed by the thought of reading a card was foreign.  It's not that they didn't help.  It was just overload. 

But, I did know that people were there.  I wasn't trying to shut them out.  I needed to know people cared even though I wasn't responding. I needed to know that when I did feel like I was ready to talk, my friends and family would be there.  I actually became a little anxious about this idea. I was worried that by the time I came out of my cave, everyone would be sick of waiting outside and would have left.  I still feel a little like a cave woman right now.

I also felt like I was stuck between two worlds.  I think I was.  I feel that slipping a little more each day and I don't like it.  Even though being stuck there made me almost unable to function, I don't want to come back and accept that I am really stuck here for now with only an occasional glimpse of where I was with Eli.  Eli was never part of this world.  But, he is a part of me, so if I come back to my life, he won't come with me. That's how I feel, at least. He never left the hospital, so when I come home, I don't look at his room and remember him.  I don't want to come back to where he is not.  I can't quite accept that he will never be part of my world... the one I am living in now. 

An event as dramatic as a death brings a lot of new emotions.  It can make a very good relationship feel strained. I don't know how it feels to be on the other end, but I'm sure it feels very hard, and maybe even upsetting, when someone doesn't respond to you.  It may feel like you are unwanted or unloved.  Like the friendship you thought you had, is either gone or changed so much that it will never be as sweet as it used to be.  I'm sure this is a tool of the adversary.  Our relationships are our most treasured thing in this life.  There are only a couple of  things we take with us when we die, and our relationships is one of them.  Our relationships sustain and carry us through difficult circumstances.  Of course, Satan would want to destroy that. He will put a wedge between you and someone you love however he can. He wants everyone to think they are unloved and isolated...no matter your situation.  But, nothing beautiful ever dies.  A beautiful relationship doesn't die when hardship strike.  It may feel unsteady for a bit because the circumstances have changed.  But the relationship hasn't changed.  

And by the way, I hope not to offend people by what I say. I am incredibly blunt.  Some people like it. Some people don't.  I came like this and haven't tried too hard to fight it.  We all get offended from time to time. We all have different life experiences and perspectives, so we see the world from a different angle.  But these are just my thoughts.  It isn't my goal to make everyone feel perfectly comfortable all the time. I just want to share my journey and how it is changing me and opening my eyes; how it is helping me understand myself and God better.  It is carving out places in my soul that haven't been touched before.

It seems like getting our negative emotions out, either through speaking or writing renders them less powerful.  But, when we say or write down our positive emotions, it seem like that power is amplified.  When we share the good, those things seem to expand and grow outward.  When we share the bad, those things seem to dissipate. So, I feel like I share a lot of the bad in order to try and get rid of it.  I also try to share the good, but don't seem as anxious about getting those out of my system. Maybe I should just give the disclaimer that I might say a lot of negative things right now, but if you can be patient and wait, I will tell you more good things in the future.  I have them all written down.