I don't know why I don't write as much anymore. I'm sure anyone reading this really enjoys me saying that over and over again. I can't put my finger on the change in me (and that bothers me). I used to write several times a week. I like being able to at least understand what is happening in my mind even if I can't always steer my thoughts in the direction I like. I wonder why writing hasn't been as much a part of my life when I compare my feelings post Eli versus post Miles. When Miles died something sort of snapped inside me. I can't totally put my finger on that either although I spend a lot of time thinking and praying about it. Maybe it is beyond my ability to grasp. But...I do have the urge to share things every once in awhile. Today I was reading in Hebrews. If you haven't read through this book in awhile, I invite you to do it. A lot of what Paul said to these people has been very helpful to me. In chapter 12 verse 11 he says:
"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."
I looked up the definition of chastening. I find that I frequently look up definitions as I study. It's not that I don't know what the word means...or at least I think I have a general idea of what most words mean, but I usually gain added insights as I break it down. One of the definitions of chastening is to prune of excess, pretense or falsity.
I hope (and mostly believe) that the non joyous chastening I have experienced and continue to experience and experience and experience is pruning me of excess...of anything that does not REALLY matter. I want it to.
I also want it to help get rid of any pretense that is left in me. I am not much for pretense. I think the pretense part of my brain never really formed correctly and I am quite blunt and straight forward. When me and Jason visited England I thought I might fit in better there. Pretense seems almost absent from their culture. People have told me this is refreshing, but I wonder. It isn't always refreshing...(like if I say something you don't like). I think we prefer the truth only if it agrees with us; if it convenient. Sometimes the truth doesn't. I also wonder if my grief is helping me gain some pretense instead of getting rid of it. In general, I find that people SAY they want to know the truth, but that isn't always the case. Sometimes it's just better to fake it and pretend like everything is okay. Some people need you to. Grief has taught me that. How sad (I think it's sad, at least). Maybe a bit of pretense is good... but to be honest, I just think it's lame. I like it straight. Even when it hurts.
So chastening is unpleasant, at best, but necessary. I like the imagery of pruning...pruning the excess. It reminds me of a clip I saw awhile back:
The Will of God
God, please prune me...and please help me to endure it without becoming bitter or despondent. Please help me to trust this process that seems long and agonizing and sometimes just plain mean. I trust the process, but don't always trust myself in the process (if that makes sense). I'm not sure I can hold up against the fire at times.
