Aversion to Halloween

I have been writing about a lot about my love for the season Fall....HOWEVER...there is one part of Fall I could really do without: Halloween.  I know some people love it.  I don't.  I never have and I assume I never will.  I have more of an aversion to it this year than ever before.

I don't really understand the point of Halloween.  We dress our kids up in costumes and let them knock on doors and get free candy.  I'm not sure the life lesson...don't talk to strangers, don't take candy from strangers (except on Halloween- it's okay on that day).  And the decorations....ugh...makeshift cemeteries in front yards with homemade headstones, skeletons, mummies, zombies...what?  I even saw a little mummy figurine at the cemetery which I thought was more than a little ironic; very, very strange.  I have seen a lot more decorations this year than I remember seeing in past years...the grim reaper, bloody arms...I don't get out much, so the fact that I have seen these things is a little strange and bothersome.

The haunted houses, forests, corn mazes....I don't get it.  I don't enjoy being scared.  It doesn't give me any sort of thrill.  It just feels terrible and sick.  The only haunted things I have been to in my life were with a Young Women's group...which is probably not appropriate?  I once watched a scary movie at a Beehive activity and couldn't sleep for weeks.

I recently helped in Ethan's class and had to help some of the kids write poetry about zombies.  They were telling me all kinds of interesting facts about zombies...their eyes hang out of their heads, they hold their arms straight out in front of them when they walk, they can only say "brains....brains...." (because that is what they eat?).   I am pretty naive when a  bunch of 7 year olds are bringing me up to speed on zombies.  Then, they told me they come out of the ground in cemeteries.  OKAY, OKAY....I had to stop them there.  I went on for a little while about how zombies are PRETEND and when we "come out of the ground" we aren't going to look like that and it won't be scary.  ANYWAYS.....we got back to writing the poems...(just as long as everyone was clear on the facts!) Seriously...who came up with the gruesomeness of this supposed holiday.

Somewhere along the way people came up with these strange symbols and idea.  The grim reaper for one...I have experienced death one time and it was the furthest thing from the ideas that the grim reaper conjure up.  Another idea is the idea of cemeteries being dark and scary places.  Some sacred truths have been twisted and made to be something horrible and sick instead of what they really are.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Hopefully I haven't offended all of the Halloween loving people out there.  It is fun to watch the kids get dressed up...I could do without the free candy.  They should at least have to do something for it.  And what ever happened to those tiny tootsie rolls that I used to get?  I used to get 7 or 8 pieces of "good" chocolate and a lot of no name, old candy.  Now, my kids get the GOOD stuff with an occasional orange paper wrapped mess of peanut butter and taffy.  On the bright side, we have so much candy that we can decorate our gingerbread houses around Christmas time.  I would still rather just buy the candy for the gingerbread houses.

All in all, I am sooooo happy that Eli was born in November.  It seems like when November 1st comes, Halloween is OVER and Thanksgiving and Christmas have begun.  I don't know of another holiday that gets the boot so fast.  Hooray for that.  I much prefer Eli's birthday being in the season of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It just makes more sense.  I'm happy Heavenly Father planned it like that.

As season within a season

On October 5th, my dear friend, JaLaine, gave me a jar full of leaves.  It was a beautiful jar and the color of the leaves were vibrant.  She knows about my love of Fall and I thought it was a beautiful gift.

Then she told me a story of the leaves...last Fall, her son, Logan, needed some Fall leaves for a school project.  They went and gathered up many leaves...more than they needed for the project, and took them home. She wasn't sure what to do with them at the time, so she decided to try freezing them to see if they could be preserved.  (I thought this was quite a genius idea).

Fall came and went.  Eli came....and went.  Her daughter, Laena, came....and went.  She never could have known how special these leaves would be when she was gathering them up last Fall.  When she was cleaning out her freezer several weeks ago, she realized she had forgotten all about them.  She had kept a piece of the actual season of our children without realizing the true purpose of the leaves at the time she had preserved them.

Leaves are one of my favorite symbols of Fall.  They symbolize a life that is mature and rich and colorful.  There is a hint of death in a colored leaf, but it is so beautiful that a green leaf clinging tightly to a tree branch doesn't compete with the beauty of a leaf that is maturing and changing, and yes...dying.

I feel like Eli's life was much like one of these leaves; budding in the spring and changing as quickly as the seasons to something beautiful and rich and complete in the Fall.  We experienced so much while he was here...truly a lifetime.

I'm so grateful that JaLaine gave me a piece of Eli's season...a season within a season.

Pumpkin catch

I know a lot of families go to a pumpkin patch every year.  We go to a pumpkin "catch".  (At least that's what Lincoln calls it).  Last night we went to a pumpkin catch and had a great time.

Last years' visit to a pumpkin catch was quite memorable.  (Most things last year were quite memorable).  I wondered how these family activities would be for me this year...

This year we went on a hayride, went down slides, weaved through a maze and played in the corn box (akin to a sandbox)...which kind of gets my germaphobia going.  The kids kept getting corn in their ears and I was sure we were going to end up at the Instacare by the end of the night to have the kernels extracted.  In the end, all the corn came out of their ears and we found some beautiful pumpkins.  Jason hunted for a perfect pumpkin for Eli.  I gave him the biggest hug when he brought it to me.  I don't feel as much sorrow as I thought I would at doing these activities again without Eli physically with us.  Of course, I wish he were able to pick his own pumpkin, but I feel comforted as I feel him close by during these times.  He isn't here like he was last year, but he is still here... 

Too close

I took this picture trying to get a shot of a rainbow.  I looked at the picture later and realized that the camera had focused on the rain on my window instead of the rainbow.  I could see the rainbow, but it was somewhat blurry and out of focus.  Instead, I could clearly see the drops of rain.  I found it paralleled a feeling I have at times.

When me and Jason went on our trip to Europe we were with a big group from his work.  My grief was still very raw and painful and interacting with other people was quite a feat for me.  We were on a cruise and had dinner every night with the group.  The idea seemed to be that you needed to sit with different people every night to mingle and get to know each other.  I wasn't really in the mood to get to know new people, but I did my best.  I tried to be quiet and pleasant...both of which are not always my forte.  One night we sat with a couple and she asked about our family.  I found myself trying to explain our experience with Eli in about 3 minutes.  It isn't really a 3 minute experience, but that's all the time this conversation would allow, so I tried.

I realized I was too close to my grief.  I couldn't give a summary or synopsis of our experiences.  It was as if I were standing in front of a mirror, but instead of standing back a few feet so I could see my entire body, I was only a couple of inches from the mirror.  I could make out my own eyes and nose, but everything was blurry or out of my field of vision.  I was simply too close to the experience.  I couldn't see it clearly.  Time has a way of helping you move back from the mirror to see the whole picture more clearly.  There are times, many times, where I still feel too close to the mirror.  My grief is still acute.  It isn't something that did happen; it is something that is happening.  As this year continues to move forward, it feels like last year in a lot of ways...a sort of reliving of the those days.  But there are also times when I can see more of the picture.

When I look at this picture it speaks volumes to me.  Sometimes you are just to close to see things clearly, but, in time, your lens can change and focus more readily on the rainbows.

11 months

I have a few thoughts to share at the 11 month mark.  I must say that it feels more like the month before Eli's first birthday than it does 11 months (which I realize is technically the same thing, but doesn't feel the same).  Anticipation...does it ever end?

I felt very resistant to October coming last year.  There was a very good chance that Eli would be born in October and I felt that being in a different month, say July, August, September, gave me a reasonable buffer between the present and the future.  When October came, I realized that time had run out (at least it felt that way).  I hated the Halloween decorations.  I don't really like Halloween anyways, but it felt pressing to see these decorations.  It felt like time was mocking me, and it was in some ways.  I knew it was definitely within the realm of possibility that Eli would die before my kids went trick or treating.  It felt very strange because I knew exactly what trick or treating would look and feel like, but had not idea how birth and death would feel.  Fortunately, we had more time with him than expected and we all went trick or treating together.  I felt the same sense of dread when September 30th changed to October 1st this year.  I felt the same anticipation when I saw Halloween decorations come out.  It was much less intense, but a little strange to feel that way again.

When I was younger I never liked fall.  I didn't understand the hype of it...the soups, the smells, the leaves...I saw that everything was dying and I couldn't understand why everyone liked it so much.  Perhaps, I have always been a bit too anticipatory and couldn't enjoy the beauty of the moment we were in...the moment before the death.  I only saw what happened after the leaves changed colors and probably missed the colors all together.  It seemed depressing.

Several years ago, I began to see the beauty of this season, and it unexpectedly changed from my least favorite season to my most favorite.  I started to love when the nights got a bit chilly and I could drink hot chocolate.  I loved that I needed a blanket when I curled up to read a book.  I loved the smells, the soups, the leaves falling and blowing across the road as I drove.  It seems like the great symbol of the cycle of life. The plants are the most full and colorful.  The moment when all things come into fruition and are harvested.  In a symbolic way, it is where I want to be someday.  I want to be full and mature and filled with color showing that my life was rich and beautiful.  I want things that have been planted to come into fruition.  I want the stillness and contentment that come with life lessons and experience.

I worried that having Eli in the fall might change my perception of this once favorite season.  I wondered if I would only see it as a time of death again instead of the beauty that occurs before it.  I have been so happy as fall has come and I have felt the familiar love of this season.  I see Eli as a great symbol of fall.  A life, that, although short, was lived fully and beautiful and without restraint; a very meaningful life that has changed people.   I see him as a great example of the lessons of this season and I believe that my love for this season will grow and deepen as I always associate his birth with this time of year.  I believe that Eli has made fall a little bit sweeter and a lot more meaningful for me.

I will always associate Eli with this season; partly because he was born in it, but more importantly, because of how I see him spiritually.  I don't see his life as a tender plant that has just broken through the winter ground only to be stepped on.  I don't see his life as a tiny new bud on a bare tree only to be hit with sudden frost.  I see him as fall.  I see him as mature and powerful; filled with knowledge and clarity. It gives me a place to look to as I experience fall through the seasons and through him.

Cascade Springs

We started a new tradition a few years ago.  We go to a place called Cascade Springs up Provo Canyon with our friends, the Hales' family, every fall.  This year I couldn't help but reminisce about last years trip.  I remember we went too late in the year and everything was mostly dead.  I was absolutely miserable as the winding roads that lead up here are a great invitation to exacerbate nausea.  I had really started to retain water at this point in the pregnancy and I even remember how tight everything felt on my body and how uncomfortable I was.  I did it last year because it felt important to keep going.  I did it because what else was I going to do?  Sit home and cry (which also happened from time to time).  But, this year was different.  I was happy that we had gone last year.  I was grateful that I have memories of family outings while I was pregnant.  I was happy we were there again.  I felt much better physically and emotionally and it was obvious as I thought about the previous year.  We went at a great time this year and the leaves were just beautiful.