pictures

Before we had Eli, I read about people who had gone through similar situations.  There was a common thread. The mother's would often say that they would look at the pictures of their baby's over and over again.  They said that the pictures were their most treasured keepsake.  I knew I would love the pictures we would get, but I had no idea how much I would hold onto them.  I thought it was a little odd that these poor mother's would just hold onto these pictures and look at them all the time.  I felt bad for them and thought, "I don't think I will do that." I don't think it's weird anymore.  I look at the pictures we have all the time, over and over again.  I will spend hours sometimes.  I could never thank my friend, Stephanie, enough for her willingness to do this.  She captures things in a beautiful way.  I'm sure you agree after looking at the pictures.  

Originally, I wanted her to take some pictures of Eli, by himself...like the newborn pictures you see on pinterest.  I didn't think it would be quite the same because of the limitations we faced, but I still wanted some like that.  I do have some like that, but it turns out that those aren't my favorite.  Not even close. I like the ones of our real life. Of me and him. I look like I just gave birth...in my hospital gown, messy hair, no makeup, tired.   I'm not self conscious of these pictures at all.  They are beautiful to me because they capture what really happened. We didn't have a chance to bathe Eli before he died.  He was too unstable and it wasn't important.  His hair is dirty and there is blood on him in all of these pictures. He looks perfect to me. That's the way he came and that is the way he went.  

Before we went to the hospital, everything we had been living for was in the future.  We were waiting to meet Eli.  We were anxious about what would happen and how long he would be here.  I thought of little else for the months leading up to November.  In less than 24 hours everything shifted dramatically.  We made the fateful trek to the hospital, I went through labor, we met our precious Eli, he died, we cared for his body, they took his body away, and we drove home. Now everything we had waited and hoped for was in the past.  It was over...just like that.  Almost like a dream. I am looking in the past now, trying to hold on those moments. So, I stare at the pictures a lot and it brings me back to that day.  Back to him.