the tree

Yesterday Lincoln looked outside and was trying to tell me that the tree was broken.  He pointed to several trees explaining that they were all "broken."  I was looking for a broken branch or other sign of breakage.  After talking with him a little longer, I realized that he thought they were broken because all of the leaves had fallen off.

I bent down next to him and said, "Oh honey, they aren't broken.  The leaves have just fallen off.  In the fall, the leaves change color and die, and then they fall off.  But, don't worry! In the springtime new leaves will grow."  He just stared at me for a second and then replied, "Oh," and walked happily away.

The sky was gray yesterday and it was quite cold.  All of the leaves on the trees we were looking at, had fallen off.  The grass was brownish yellow.  It was quite bleak looking out there.

I realized that I felt a lot like the "broken" tree.  I felt like so much of what made me feel safe and secure and warm had fallen off.  I felt the "fall" season when the leaves began to change colors.  I knew that my time with Eli was so limited and I tried to enjoy the changing, beautiful leaves.  But it was hard to do this sometimes because I knew what would happen after the leaves turned red and orange and yellow.  They would fall off.  I would be left with no leaves and feeling exposed and cold.

I think some people are probably wondering if I am okay.  I'm not sure how to answer that.  I was finally able to meet Eli last Wednesday.  It was the most sacred and special thing I have ever experienced.  The whole day was beautiful. But that night someone from the mortuary had to come and take his little, precious body.  On Friday, we had to dress his body and prepare him for burial.  On Monday we had to put him in a tiny casket and bury him. It went from such a beautiful and sacred experience to feeling like your heart had been broken in so many new and different ways. So, am I okay?  No... not really. I am alive... like the tree.  My roots are intact. Most of the time, trees don't die in the winter.  Occasionally a tree does die if it is weak or the winter is particularly harsh.  I'm not going to die.  But the leaves are gone and I feel exposed and cold and a little sad looking... like the tree.  But, in the springtime new leaves will grow.  It just takes time and patience.

I find it strangely ironic how closely the seasons have followed my time with Eli.  Even the day of his graveside service was sunny and a little warmer.  The day after was colder.  The day after that everything looked dead, it was freezing and the sky was dark.  Today is snowed for the first time this year. If you are like me, you are never ready for the first snowfall.  I tried finding the kid's boots, hats, snow pants, etc.  I didn't remember where I had stored it away last year. Jason looked at snow shovels at the store yesterday and decided to buy it "later" because we didn't need it yet.  We all knew it was coming.  It was in the forecast and it IS  the middle of November.  But, you are never really ready for it when it comes.  The weather takes a sudden turn from autumn to winter.  That's how my life felt for the last week and a half.

I read a talk from President Hinckley.  He talked about how God has the capacity to keep his promises.  It was a tremendous comfort to me. I think that my favorite scripture would have to be John 14:18:

I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you. 

I believe Him.