I feel like I have to clarify or add to some of my labor story. I read it and think it just sounds terribly hard and awful... but it wasn't that way. It was incredibly painful, in a way I have never experienced, but there is so much more to it than that.
For the weeks and months before we delivered Eli, I would think about the labor experience a lot. I would try to imagine what it would be like. I tried to think of what I would want. I did want to be able to move after he was born. I did want to have the full experience. I did want to feel the pain. There was something inside me telling me that there was something to be learned and treasured about the experience, and that I had to fully submit myself to it to have it happen. It felt like a spiritual pull telling me what to do. I think it sounded insane to Jason. I think he wondered why I would make this harder on myself than it already was. He reasoned that if Eli were only going to be with us for a short time, I should save my energy to be with him and not use it up on the pain of labor. I didn't disagree with his logic, but somewhere deep inside of me I knew that the experience I really wanted wouldn't come if I didn't give everything I had in a physical, emotional and spiritual sense. I wasn't afraid anymore. I think knowing that someone you love is going to die can have that effect on you. The "worst" thing you can imagine has been handed to you, and now the experience is all you have left. There is a deadline and you have to leave it all on the field, so to speak. You won't get another chance. And I was ready for it. God prepared me. I look at that situation now...now that I am on the other side of the love...experiencing the pain, and it looks crazy to do something so openly and completely. But I am also so grateful that God prepared my heart to sacrifice in a way I had never experienced.
I thought I would be awake all night with moderate contractions. I thought the contractions would get really bad in the morning and they would be almost unbearable for and hour or so. I kept the idea of getting the IV drug, Fentanyl, if things became unbearable. The Fentanyl would give me a break from the pain just long enough to rest, regroup and go forward. I thought that the actual delivery would be painful, but also amazing to feel. I felt like God had directed me in my thoughts and felt sure this plan would work. I told Jason that I was open minded, but I really liked the plan I had. I felt like because I wanted and felt right about doing the labor this way, God would surely help me make it happen. He would give me just a little more than I could bear, but He would be there and I would miraculously come through it with His help.
Imagine my frustration when the pain became more than "just a little more than I could bear." As I put my head down and closed my eyes, I felt my hair surrounding my face. For some reason, it made me feel safe and sheltered. I was able to anticipate the coming pain and take 5 or 6 long and deep breaths to get through the contractions. If the contractions were longer than a minute I would struggle, but find a way to mentally bear up under the weight and continue forward. This went on for quite some time. I felt strong. I felt I could do this. I thought about Jesus Christ had physically felt everything I was feeling, and knew that he had experienced much, much worse. I was actually grateful in some way to feel the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I felt I could be strong and bear this. It felt beautiful to do so. But then the contractions took on a life of their own, causing pain in my whole body and leaving me unable to do anything but submit to the awful surge that came with each contraction. My mental resolve slowly dissipated, and I felt my mind and body break down and become slave to the excruciating pain. I wondered why this was happening so differently than I had hoped. When my nurse checked me and I was only a 4, I was in disbelief. I felt defeated. How could I be almost writhing around in pain on the bed while my body seemed to stand still and hold that little baby inside? Why was there no progress? I remember grabbing the bed hoping that it would somehow absorb my pain. I think I may have mentally been able to go a little farther if I had some proof that the pain was doing something. But the pain seemed virtually useless and uncontrolled. I finally conceded to the pain medication that I had thought would be my back up if things really fell apart. I remember as she pushed it in my IV. It seemed to take many, many minutes for her to do so. Every pain was so exaggerated by now and I sorely needed rescuing. When the medication exacerbated my weakened state and did nothing for the pain, I felt completely out of control. I wondered why this was happening. I wasn't mad; just bewildered. They finally did give me the epidural for the last 45 minutes or so of labor. Even with that, the pain was almost unbearable.
I realized later that I had done everything I could have. I had given all I had. I had given much, much more than I thought was possible... I felt on the verge of something very scary... I wasn't scared I would die, but I wondered what would happen if I let the pain ravage me in this way.
I realized that no matter how much we give to Heavenly Father, it will never be enough. It won't even be close. We will feel so far away from where we need to be after we have given everything we have to Him. We will see that the gap is so big that we need someone to rescue us and save us from destruction. He will come. He won't make the pain disappear. He won't make our sorrow flee away immediately. He is capable of doing that, but he won't until he helps us become what he wants us to become. He will ALLOW us to give everything so that our sacrifice will be enough for him to sanctify and redeem us.
I know that I have never given so much physically, emotionally and spiritually as I did while I was pregnant with Eli. It culminated during my labor, but it was ongoing through the several months I had him inside me. I wouldn't have felt worthy to be his mother if I hadn't done that. I felt like my offering to God was sufficient. I wouldn't have felt like it was enough for this noble spirit unless I did that. God allowed me to feel what that felt like to give all that we have power to... and maybe a little more than I thought possible. Through the sacrifices I made, I was able to feel a love for Eli that I never could have otherwise experienced.
I think people think I am sad or sorry about my labor experience. Some people probably felt bad that I had to go through that because my pregnancy was already so hard. But, I am not in the least bit sorry. I learned things I could have never otherwise known. My heart knows these things...not just my head. I would do it all again.
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