If you want to hear a mellow or happy story about delivering a child, turn on Oprah. If you are a woman and plan on giving birth, but never have, this might scare you. I don't know how most women's labors are, but I have only had one that didn't scare the crap out of me. I had weird, unrelated things happen with my first 2 babies. My labors are always long, and we get the happy privilege of being awake the entire night before we have our baby... just to make sure it is as tiring as possible. My cervix is never ready to let the baby out, so we stay all night to get it "prepped." That's just a nice word for pain. I expected my labor with Eli to be similar to my last one because I felt I had given birth enough times that the pathway had been paved. If you saw Lincoln as a baby, you would understand what I am talking about. I received the same drugs with Eli as I did with Lincoln so I thought I would be in labor for most of the night... be in horrific pain for 2 or 3 hours and he would arrive mid morning. It didn't work out exactly like that.
I wanted to try not having an epidural this time. I have had one with all of my other babies with varying degrees of effectiveness. One time they put it in, but never hooked it up to the pump, so it wasn't very effective. Apparently, it is important to hook it up to the pump? I hesitate to share my reasoning because I'm not sure I can explain why I wanted to do this. The easiest reason to understand is that I wanted to be able to move. If Eli wasn't with us very long, the idea of not being able to move my legs did not sit well with me. I know that the nurses/doctors could bring him over, but I wanted to feel like his mother...at least a little bit. Not an invalid. I think this was more of mental than physical idea to me. I have also thought a lot about this idea of pain. I find it a little funny, in our day and age, that we try to block pain completely. "Gentle dentistry" is the new phrase. When you have a baby, everyone assumes you will get an epidural. It is the only humane and logical thing to do. What in the world has everyone been doing for the past 200 years without epidurals? Jason told me they would just bite on a stick. I'm sure they had some ways of dealing with pain, but we like to block it completely. We are so scared of pain. And why go through it if you don't have to?
I had a friend who once told me her labor story. She checked into the hospital to have her baby, got her epidural before she felt one contraction, took a nap and woke up to push. I have had epidurals and it didn't exactly go that way for me... When I received epidurals in the past, it wasn't because I was in horrific pain. It was because I felt some pain and was scared it WOULD BE horrific if I didn't hurry up and block it. I had more anxiety about the pain than actual pain. Through my pregnancy experience with Eli, I haven't been able to block the pain I am in. Most of this wasn't physical pain, although some of it was. I believe there is a purifying power with pain. It shouldn't be blocked. It can do beautiful things when we experience it, even though it isn't pleasant. I was so sick and tired about being scared of the pain. I wanted to embrace it. I felt that something beautiful would happen if I did this during my labor. It did.
Another disclaimer...if you have never learned how a baby is born and don't know the terminology you might want to read something more filtered. I won't tell you anything too graphic, but it may be more info than I gave to my kids. When Ethan asked me "exactly" how a baby gets out of my tummy I told him that there is a "special tunnel" from the "special room" where the baby grows. When it is time for the baby to come out they travel through the "special tunnel" and go through the "special door."
Our first nurse was Nicki. We liked her. She was personable and kind. She checked my cervix and could barely find it. That is bad if you want a baby to come out quickly. They ended up doing three doses of cytotec at 12:00 am, 3am and 6am. Each time they checked me I hadn't progressed so they gave me another dose. It got my contractions going around 2am. I had some problems with my blood sugars just prior to that and the nurses got a little stressed. I know that aren't used to dealing with diabetes. I wasn't stressed... I just needed some juice. They started my insulin drip. I thought it was a little premature to do this... even thought I knew they would do it at some point. The doctor on that night wasn't my favorite, and seems a little hypertensive. I thought about fighting it a little, but just went with it and hoped it would be okay. I knew once I was hooked up to the iv, the fun would begin and it would be harder to move around. Each time they gave me cytotec they checked my cervix. My 9:30 am I was only a 1 and could not believe it. I had been contracting very hard for several hours and was trying to keep my pain under control by moving around. I was sure I was a 2 or 3 at least. I think Jason may have slept an hour that night and I think I got about 30 minutes before they started the insulin drip. There was no chance of sleeping after that with the pain and the blood sugar checks they were doing. Around 5:30 Nicki came in and we asked her if we could hear Eli's heartbeat. They hadn't hooked me up to the heart rate monitor with him. They gave us the option to, but we decided to listen periodically instead of continuously. We had decided to do this months ago as we thought about how we would proceed with the delivery. We had to decide it we would do a c-section if he became distressed. The doctors had advised us not to do a c-section and we had agreed. If they did monitor Eli, and he did become distressed, and we weren't doing a c-section, than monitoring him would only stress all of us out. It is a knee jerk response to do a c-section if this happens, as we weren't doing one so... there you go. Nicki said she would let us hear him as often as we wanted to, but she wouldn't pester us about it. This was the first time we asked her. He moved around so much that night. I was never worried about him. I enjoyed those movement as I knew this wouldn't last much longer. She sat there from 5:30-6:00 trying to get a good read out. He was SOOO active and wouldn't hold still. She could hear his heart and it was within a normal range, but he wouldn't hold still long enough for us to get a print out of it. Me and Jason just smiled at each other when she asked if he was always like this. He always was. I didn't realize that we would never hear that movement again.
We another nurse that morning from 6-11 (Rhonda) and then another from 11-2 (Laurie). I liked Rhonda. I had a hard time with Laurie. Rhonda said they could break my water at 9:30. I was barely dilated enough to do so, but she said they would try it. It took Dr. T a full hour to get there. Maybe he was downstairs eating a breakfast burrito. I don't know. I was annoyed because I was in so much pain and nothing was happening. I felt like if they broke my water I would start dilating... that is what has always happened in the past. I saw a pen on the table and told Jason I was going to try and do it myself. I was mostly kidding. And just so you know... I did keep asking Rhonda where Dr. T was. I also dreaded the time when they would break my water. I had a lot of fluid with Ethan, as well. I remember day dreaming about the time when they would finally break my water. I knew I would be able to breath again and I looked forward to this moment with great anticipation. I had a lot more water this time, but I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I felt like I had kept Eli safe and warm and comfortable for so long. I dreaded the moment because I feared that his comfort and security would be gone. I wouldn't have been so anxious to do it if I wasn't in so much pain. He finally came and did break my water, and it was different than I thought it would be. My amniotic fluid came out fairly slow, which surprised me. Dr. T and Rhonda left the room and then the flood came. My fluid just flowed and flowed and flowed... so slowly, but continuously. My stomach got smaller and smaller and smaller. I just cried. I felt like his warmth and protection were gone. I knew that I had done everything to keep him safe as long as possible, but it still hurt. I felt unable to protect him from what lay ahead. I could see his tiny little body on the right side of my stomach. It felt as if ALL the fluid were gone. I could see him little body so clearly. I wanted to hold onto him and tell him I was sorry. He didn't move after that.
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