November 4th

I want to share a lot of the experiences that we have had starting on November 4th.  I think it may take awhile.  For some reason, it has taken a little longer than I thought it would to share some of this.  It may be, in part, because so much happened so quickly.  I learned things in the 5 hours I was with him that I couldn't have learned in a lifetime without him. 

As a little time as passed, I feel more willing to share some of these things...but I could never share everything. Our experiences don't feel as fresh, which makes it easier to share.  

Also... as a prerequisite to the next 30 posts or so... if you are looking for a story filled with fluffy fruit dip and sparkly unicorns, you might want to look elsewhere.  This will be real life.  Good and bad. Beautiful and heartbreaking.  Some of it will be a little sacred and some of it raw, and it might make you wish you were looking at a fake life on pinterest... but I never liked that anyway.  This is real life, with real people and real emotions and a beautiful, strong spirit that we got to meet and love and hold for a moment.  Eli is so sacred to me and you won't have the chance of feeling that in full measure from simply reading this, but hopefully you will feel something. His spirit is so strong and he hasn't finished touching people here.  

November 4th:

I had a hard time sleeping the night before. I couldn't help but think what would be happening in the next 24 hours. My mind couldn't rest.  Me and Jason went to the temple on Tuesday. I had tried to get everything done Monday so we could have a quiet, reflective day on Tuesday.

Labor and delivery called me around 4:30 and wanted me to come in around 6.  I was confused because I thought I would be going in much later.  I had told the kids we would put them to bed first.  For some reason, they thought I wanted to have him the middle of the night.  After clearing up the confusion, they told me to come in at 10pm. Tawny came a little bit before 10 and we gave her instructions. I felt light and pretty okay at this point. I wasn't in a hurry to get there.

We went in at 10:15. I am never late.  I didn't care that I was right now.

The streets were dark and seemed to be deserted as we drove.  I liked that because if didn't feel like there was any commotion. We easily found a place to park.  We had two big bags. One with our stuff and one with Eli's. I had imagined walking in so many times. I always imagined us trying to be brave and holding hands.  That's what we did and it was easier than I thought. I had been nervous about that experience for quite some time.  I didn't see anyone in the halls. We signed all the paperwork. It was sitting out prepared for us because they knew we were coming. They showed us to a corner room: LD 18. It was a bigger room with lots of windows. The way the room was set up felt different than the other rooms because of where everything was. They gave me a gown. Me and Jason had worn our team G shirts. It was so special. I realized I would have to take it off. We took a pic together first. I went in the bathroom and was quite reluctant to change. I sat there for awhile by myself. I started to cry knowing that the next time I put my shirt on my belly would be gone. I liked the way me and Eli looked in the shirt. It was precious. I finally took the shirt off and put the gown on. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that now was the time I just had to be brave. I would never be ready. I had looked at my extra large belly so many times; especially in the days leading up to the 5th. I treasured the way it looked. I loved it and what it meant. I had created a beautiful, mortal body. He was inside me. I knew it couldn't last forever, but treasured the feeling I felt. I loved how it looked.