Is honesty really the best policy?

People have thanked me for being brave enough to tell the story I have been telling. It hasn't been hard so far... Mostly just a relief to put the words on paper. It is cathartic. It's starting to get scary and I feel like I could graceful bow out and no one would think twice. I did just bury my child and the ground around him and my heart is frozen now. I think maybe it would be better to wait until the spring comes to talk about the bitterness of winter. It is much scarier to talk about this while it is happening because I don't know how it will end. I don't know the twists and turns ahead... It isn't a book with fictitious characters... It isn't a documentary on Netflix... It is live coverage. 

I keep thinking... Do you want to know the real story? I'll tell you the real story...

And then the real story gets harder and deeper and darker... And I think... 

Do you REALLY want to know the real story? I'll tell you the real story... and then it gets even harder and deeper and darker...it gets deeper and darker than I could have imagined... And I have a good imagination...

I think I should never tell anyone, but then I feel a little better for a minute and I do. 

Maybe you don't want to know... Maybe I don't want to know.... But I already know... Maybe I don't want to say because it will scare you... Maybe I don't want to say it because it will scare me.

I have to wonder if this is really brave or is it just stupid?  There is a fine line...I have much more to say about this, but I'll save that for another time.

When you watch a movie there is usually a sad or depressing part about three quarters of the way through the movie. They create a music montage of unhappy songs and show a poor unfortunate soul doing things like standing at a grave where everyone is dressed in black; if they want to make it really good they will make sure it is raining and everyone is holding a black umbrella.  Sometimes you see someone drinking a mind numbing beverage while sitting against the side of a bed in a darkened room. They might show someone crying or having an angry emotional outburst, and then finally succumbing to the pain and just sobbing against someone's chest. You might see someone running in the rain.  Whatever you see, it will always be dark and dismal.  But, this only lasts for about 3 minutes.  As a movie goer, we would hate it if it went on longer than this.  We watch it just long enough to know they are really upset about something, but not long enough to upset us.  And then we see the sun come out and people magically transform into happy creatures.  In real life, this phase goes on for a lot longer than 3 minutes and the transformation isn't magical; it's a miracle.

This morning I talked with Jason about being a "real person."  We tried to decide if anyone wants to hear about a fake life.  Does anyone REALLY want that?  We decided that the answer was no. People like to TELL about their fake lives...or post things about, but it doesn't seem like anyone likes to HEAR about this.

We all want to see faith triumph over fear.  We all want to see darkness give way to light. We all want to see peace replace pain. We all want this because it makes us think it is possible for us too.  And the deeper the sorrow the more glorious the ascent.

So, when I think about what to write I wonder how real I should get.  Do you really want to know what it happening to me after what I have gone through.  Somehow, I think that is the more important story.  Is the sun going to come out again after my 3 minute montage of grief? My prediction is yes, but it's not going to be as simple as the movies make it seem, and the darkness may go on for longer than anyone would want to watch on the big screen... but that's why it will be beautiful.