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They didn't want to start my pitocin because Dr. T thought that breaking my water would do the trick and he didn't want to do too much too soon. My contractions stopped completely for about 20 minutes. I just sat there feeling nothing from Eli and no signs of my body wanting to deliver him. We had a resident come in earlier and ask if he could observe my delivery. He was very nice, but he approached us a family with a baby with trisomy 18. He didn't want to observe the delivery. He wanted to observe the baby with trisomy 18 after he was born. We had a nursing student come in at one point and just kind of stare at us while our nurse (Laurie) took care of us. I felt like we were the freak show that residents and nursing students want to see and write up. I don't want to create the wrong idea... almost everyone was so kind and treated us as parents and addressed Eli by his name. But at this point in my labor, all the other people seemed to overwhelm me.
I thought about how Ethan had prayed every night for Eli. He would pray for the same specific parts of his body (hands, feet, brain and heart). He would pray that they would "work well." His prayers were so sincere. He wanted this and believed that Heavenly Father would hear him and answer his prayers. He knew that Eli wasn't going to live long, but he really wanted to hold him. He would pray that we would all be able to hold Eli before he died. As November approached, he started to pray that he would be able to hold Eli for a "long time." I asked him what he meant by "a long time." He said he wanted to hold him for 5 minutes. I was relieved to hear that he didn't mean hours and hours. He also fasted for Eli. We have never encouraged our kids to fast until they turn 8. So... Katelyn was the only one that had ever done it and it was quite a feat for her to fast 1 meal. We always left it up to her and she did it most months. I think it was purely out of duty, because she is such a rule follower. When we found out about Eli, we asked Ethan if he wanted to fast for him. Ethan fasted for him each month from August until November. His specific reasons for doing this changed a little each time, but he always had an idea of what to pray for without us prompting or telling him. There was one time when he was fasting and it was only 9:30 or so in the morning. He was trying to wait until 12:00 to eat but was just STARVING! I told him the Heavenly Father was so proud of him for the effort he was making, and that it would be fine if he broke his fast a little early. That day he was fasting that "Eli would live for a long time"...meaning a few hours in Ethan's mind. In pure innocence, he worried that if he stopped fasting Eli wouldn't live as long. I thought my heart would melt and break all at the same time. I told him, emphatically, that he had given Heavenly Father the most perfect offering he could have and Heavenly Father would bless him. It didn't matter how long he fasted... Heavenly Father was so very proud of him. I don't think I have ever fasted with the faith and purity that Ethan did. The reason I tell you all of this info, is so you can understand how invested this sweet little 7 year old was in this process. He had such pure, childlike faith. It was so powerful and humbling to witness, and I wanted desperately for Ethan to feel like his prayers had been answered. I thought about how the kids had a little black bag that they were bringing to the hospital. It had books and some sweet little shoes in it. They were ready to do some "activities" with Eli when he was born. As I thought about Ethan, with the black bag, my heart was sick at the thought that maybe he wouldn't get the chance to do what he had planned. I care about Katelyn and Lincoln, but it wasn't the same as Ethan. I couldn't bear the thought of his heart breaking, and him feeling like his prayers hadn't been answered. I could deal with my heartbreak, but not his. I wouldn't feel capable of answering his "WHY?" questions.
My contractions started again, but they felt so different now. Laurie came in around 11:30 and started the pitocin. My contractions became incredibly intense and didn't seem to let up. There was one after another without any breaks. I started bleeding quite a bit...which has never happened to me during labor. We told Laurie and she gave us a weird explanation that related to being at the dentist and made no sense. I was pretty out of it at this point and wasn't sure what to do about the bleeding. . The pain was unbearable and there was no break from the pain to regroup. I remember looking up at the clock at 12:00. I was breathing through the contractions as best I could...really trying focus and detach from everything else. I looked up again and was sure it had been an hour. It was only 12:10. I started to cry. The nurse came in to see my crying and said something weird thing about how things usually start happening when patients start crying. It was a little offensive as I didn't feel like this was a normal situation and my reasons for crying couldn't possible be categorized with every other patient. She offered me an epidural...maybe my crying bothered her? They were monitoring my contractions and they could type in notes on the same screen. She typed "Patient crying...support person offering comfort." I don't know why that bothered my so much. She seem a little detached from what was happening. When she left the room I started yelling at Jason about how obnoxious that was to write in my chart. Laurie checked me again around 12:30 and I was only a 4. I was stunned. I was sure I would have progressed a little more. I knew that I couldn't physically or mentally handle another contraction and felt totally defeated with miles left to go. I needed some relief. Jason kept asking my if I wanted Fentanyl and I kept refusing, but I finally agreed. I hoped that it would give me a little break so I could regroup and keep going. Laurie went to get it. By the time I asked for it, my resolve was completely gone. I needed it immediately and I felt like she was gone for hours getting it. I desperately waited as the contractions continued one on top of another with no relief. I was so conflicted about getting drugs because I had truly wanted the full experience. I didn't want to block the pain. I was legitimately worried that something bad would happen to my body at this point. I felt things beginning to shut down. She finally returned and gave my the Fentanyl. As soon as it hit my system things took a turn for the worst, The room began to spin. I felt unable to open my eyes or talk. I was unaware of what was happening around me. The pain wasn't eased at all. I don't remember a lot after that. At one point Jason asked me if I wanted an epidural. I was still only dialated to a 4. I became very nauseated and they gave me a blue bag to vomit in. I just laid on my side with the bag stuck to my face while I vomited in it. I kept thinking I needed to move the bag, but I couldn't. I nodded my head at one point when Jason asked me if I wanted an epidural. I remember the anesthesiologist coming in to start my epidural and tried to open my eyes to see him, but only had them open for a second. He asked me questions and I tried to answer, but Jason ended up answering for me. It was horrible to feel that helpless and unable to communicate. The pain continued and my ability to focus and breath through it was completely gone. I hoped that I could live through the contractions. I kept waiting for him to start the epidural. At one point I felt little sharp pain in my back, but never felt the pressure and popping sensation I thought I would feel. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't starting the epidural. He had already done it, but I didn't feel anything. I think my pain was too intense. He told me he would give me low dose. After several minutes my pain was still horrible and I could move my legs without any problem. I didn't think it was working. But I could feel my whole body completely collapse between contractions and I realized that the pain had been eased. I could still move without any help and I was grateful for this. I kept feeling pressure and tried to tell the nurse I needed to push. The last time she had check me I was a 4 so I don't think she believed I would be ready. After she checked me again I was an 8. I kept trying to talk and tell Jason that Stephanie (our friend who was taking pictures for us) needed to come in. I was finally able to say her name and he told me that she was already in the room. I tried to open my eyes to see where Jason was. I didn't remember a lot of what happened and Jason helped me fill in the blanks the next day. I asked him where he was while I was pushing. I don't remember seeing him. He had been holding my head and helping me hold one of my legs. He was on my left side. I didn't remember any of it. I just remember someone counting really loudly. I don't remember anyone coming in the room during any of this, but Dr. T was there to deliver Eli and the neonatologist (Wyc) and a respiratory therapist and nurse had all come. I believe we had three rounds of pushing before he came out. I felt everything while I delivered him and it didn't seem to hurt. Even afterwards...Dr. T had to do some stitches and I felt the sensation of it but it wasn't painful. Maybe the pain previous to that had been so intense or maybe I was in shock. I just remember feeling it and wondering why it didn't hurt worse than it did. Jason said he saw Eli's head as he came out at 2:04 pm. He said there was bright red blood everywhere. Eli's sweet little face was covered in it. It was all over his eyes and in his mouth and nose. It scared Jason.
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