Eli's memorial

I didn't want a traditional funeral for Eli. I didn't want the cemetery to be the last thing everyone saw. I don't think of Eli as a little baby. I know that, in a mortal sense, he was, because we all have to be born as a baby, but when I thought of him before he was born and when I think of him now... I see a mature spirit. I imagine him to be in the prime of his life. We were all mature spirits before we were born to our earthly parents. We lived with Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother for thousands of years before we came here. That idea It is quite a stark contrast from a helpless infant. That changes the feeling of this immensely.

The memorial was what I had hoped it would be.  I was a little worried to stand up in front of a bunch of people and try to say something of substance.  I didn't want to look like a grieving mother even though I know that is exactly what I am.  I didn't want the pity because pity is pathetic, and doesn't help anyone.  I'll take sympathy or empathy, but please don't give me pity.  I would rather have nothing. But, I knew that I had done harder things that this in the last couple of weeks.  I had been more nervous with the idea of going to the hospital.  I had been overcome with grief when we had to go to the graveside service.  So, this seemed easy, in comparison, and I felt okay about doing it. I wanted this to be a spiritually uplifting experience. I wanted people to see a glimpse of who Eli really is.  I wanted to bear testimony of some of the sacred truths I have learned from Eli.  I didn't expect to go, and be crying, and needing people to give me hugs to make me feel better.  I feel like grieving is a very private matter and is not possible to do in a public setting...at least for me.  I felt I would be somewhat disconnected from my feelings of loss. I hoped to be in tune with the spirit and deliver the message I needed to.  I felt like all of these things happened.  I think some people were worried that I would just fall apart remembering how awful this whole ordeal was.  It was quite the opposite. I felt better today than I have in many days.  The last day that was this good was November 5th. I really remembered Eli today and all the good and beauty that has come from this experience.