Megan was much, much more than I could have hoped for. She definitely did a great job caring for my physically needs, but that was not what touched me so much. She approached me as a mother instead of a nurse. She had told me that she had 3 little kids at home. I could tell how much she felt responsible to help take care of my kids as well. She helped me change my gown very discreetly while my kids were there because it had blood on it and she didn't want it to alarm them. She did a few other things (I won't mention what...) like that, to help my kids not see something that might bother or upset them. I would usually be more attentive to things like that, but wasn't in a physical or emotional place to do so. I heard later how she had been the gatekeeper for our room. She was so careful and respectful of letting people in and out. She was even like that when she came in and out. She treated our room like the sacred place it had become. She kept her distance to allow us the space we wanted as a family, but was very available. I can't imagine that she had other patients. It didn't seem like she did, at least. At one point someone mentioned moving me downstairs to the mother/baby floor and she quickly stepped in and said that I was not going anywhere. After Eli passed away, she was still so kind and helpful. I think so many nurses would have bothered my the situation and would have kept more of a distance. About an hour before we left the hospital she came into our room with a brown bag. She had bought something for our kids. I could tell she felt uneasy and questioned what she had done. I was overwhelmed with feeling of love for her and her kind act. She bought 3 little stuffed bears; two dressed in blue and one in pink. She had wanted them to be for Katelyn, Ethan, and Lincoln from Eli. I was just stunned with her thoughtfulness. She again questioned what she had done, and told me she wondered if she should have bought 4 bears so Eli would have one too. I had wanted to do something like this for my kids, but wasn't sure how to with Eli. My brain just never made it that far. In my minds eye, I could see her in the gift shop downstairs trying to find something thoughtful and sweet and the spirit whispering to her that this would be perfect. I imagine she stood there and second guessed herself thinking that I was a complete stranger and this would be awkward or uncomfortable. She may have even worried that the gift wouldn't be well received and she would feel dejected after opening her heart to us. The act greatly touched me and I told her that I had wanted to do something like this but hadn't. She had done it for me and I could go home and give those sweet bears to my kids in the morning.
She always used Eli's name. She knew he was my child....my baby. I loved him and I think she could put herself in my position because she had also had a baby recently. She didn't try to dissociate herself thinking that I was just some unfortunate person whose baby had just died. I was a mother... just like her. I had been pregnant... just like her. I loved my kids...just like her. I had a home and family and now my baby wouldn't be there as I had dreamed...which wasn't at all like her. He would be in a casket instead of a car seat. She didn't objectify Eli or the situation.
So let me try to explain what the most beautiful gift was for me. She opened her heart and her emotions to my grief. She was not, in any way, required or expected to do this. She could have detached herself from our situation and brushed it aside thinking that it was just a "sad thing for that poor family..." and then gotten on with her life. I think that working in the medical field can have that affect on people. You just look at them as a patient and not as another human being who has a real life outside the hospital. A real life that involves the emotions and stresses and everyday cares to deal with; and now these real life people have lost their child. I'm sure when she came to work that afternoon she wasn't planning on that kind of day. She was probably dreading a long 16 hour shift. She probably hoped that the cafeteria had something edible that day. She was probably planning on telling her coworkers about the fun plans she had for Thanksgiving. She opened her heart to me when she didn't have to. No one would have blamed her or thought twice if she hadn't. We would have been perfectly content to have a competent individual who took care of my physical needs and was respectful to us...someone who kept a little distance. But she jumped into our lives and was visible affected by what was affecting us.
I think this idea has caused me ponder a little. I think it is a brave person who is willing to walk with you on a road of grief or sorrow. I have wondered why anyone would want to do such a thing. If you path seems a little easier and there is more sunshine and flowers, why would you purposely submit yourself to walking on a thorny and dark path with someone else? Why would you want to experience that kind of sorrow if God isn't making you? It's so much easier to sit in our rose garden and pity people who are in a briar patch... it's understandable why you wouldn't go near them because you don't want to rip your clothes or get poked with the thorns. Its safer to keep your distance and throw a plate of cookies their way. But walking into a thorny situation takes courage. It leaves you feeling vulnerable, but you are willing to do it because the person in the briar patch is more important to you than the discomfort of going there.
But that's why it is such a beautiful gift. Because it's a choice.
When someone joins us here, we are feeling the love God. What did Jesus Christ do for us? He dove into a situation that He absolutely didn't have to, in order that He could carry our burdens and relieve our pain. He was already promised everything the Father had. He had a choice to take His rose garden path and live happy. But He chose the most painful and thorny path of them all... and He did it for us. And what happens when we don't even acknowledge that He did? We we turn our backs on Him and His most beautiful gift for us? I hope that we can accept this beautiful gift...because it is a gift. It has already been given to us. He did not have to do it. He did it because he loved us enough to suffer for us so our path could lead back to the Father. And the thorns we have on our paths are quite insignificant when you think of the path He walked.
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