The first 14 minutes

Normally, you don't measure you life in minutes or hours.  Eli did.  If you are only here for a few hours, every minute is important.  Eli was here for 291 minutes. If we lived like every minute was important and purposeful, we would function much differently.

Eli was born at 2:04 pm.  They took him over to the little bed and suctioned out his mouth and nose. Jason said there was a lot of blood.  They used an oxygen mask to ventilate Eli.  He hadn't attempted to breath or move at all.  I could see his body from where I was.  His arms were completely limp down at his sides.  I heard the neonatologist, Wyc, say that he had a heartbeat.  I felt so grateful that he had been born alive.  I wasn't worried or stressed that he looked like he was going to die. I felt completely calm and at peace. He hadn't made any attempt to breath after a few minutes and Wyc asked Jason if he wanted him to do chest compressions if his heart stopped.  Jason said that he felt such a weight as he stood there and watched Eli.  Jason held his tiny hand.  He wanted so much for him to breathe.  I hadn't been communicating much with him for the last little bit, and he felt solely responsible to make decisions at this point.  We had already talked through this many times and had determined to not do any resuscitation measures.  We knew they couldn't save his life; merely prolong it, and would cause unnecessary pain to Eli.  We wanted Eli's experience with us to be as sweet and beautiful and as painless as possible.  But, for a second, Jason wondered if we were really doing the right thing.  

When I worked in the NICU, as a nurse, we would talk about this exact type of scenario.  The nurses would discuss what they would do in a similar situation.  I would always say: "I don't think I would resuscitate, but  if it ever came down to it, I would just pray and pray and pray and ask Heavenly Father what to do."  Being a nurse is not the same thing as being a parent. I would never judge a parent for making a different decision than what we made.  Everyone baby has a different mission, and we knew that this is what was right for our situation and our family.

It is one thing to say all of this; it is quite another to see your son laying on a table with no signs of life and not intervene.  It is innate to want to save your child... to do anything necessary to save him.  But, we always knew that this wasn't the right thing for Eli's sojourn on earth.  I will forever be grateful for the quiet strength it took for Jason for gently hold Eli's hand, as I still say in the bed, and tell the doctor that he didn't need to do chest compressions.  We hadn't wanted them to breathe for Eli either, but it was hard to understand what would happen after the delivery.  It was different than anything we had experienced and we thought he would be breathing if he were born alive.  They continued to breathe for him so we could have a little bit of time with Eli.  I was so grateful that the doctors and respiratory therapists knew what to do, because we didn't.  They knew we wanted him to be comfortable and they knew we didn't want him on a ventilator. 

When he was about 5 minutes old, they held him up, so I could see his whole body.  He still looked completely limp, but he was beautiful. They quickly put him back down and began breathing for him again. After about 10 minutes, nothing had changed.  We still hadn't seen him move or take a breath on his own. I was much more aware of what was going on at this point. I said Jason's name. I wanted him to look at me and tell me what was happening.  I knew what was happening because I could see him, but I needed someone to look at me and tell me.  I didn't want the doctor or nurse or anyone to tell me.  I wanted Jason to.  He turned around and looked at me and just shook his head.  He couldn't bear to say anything. I didn't break down and start to cry.  I felt calm and truly at peace if Eli died.  There were angels there sustaining me.  I didn't see them, but I am sure of this.

We hurried to have the kids come in at that point..  We wanted them to see him alive.  They could sense the seriousness of the situation, but were also childlike in their anticipation to see their little brother.  We had talked about this so many times and the time had finally come. I saw the little black bag they brought filled with the books, shoes, etc.  My heart sank a little as I thought we wouldn't be able to do those things with Eli.