laundry

I knew that one of the things I had to do was wash all of Eli's clothes.  I put it off until last week.  I bought that really nice detergent (Dreft) for babies.  I have only bought it one other time. It was before we had Katelyn.  I thought you HAD to use that. I was a first time mom and didn't know any better.  I soon realized that you could use any hypoallergenic, dye-free detergent and get the same benefit for a much lower dollar amount.  Well, I wanted to buy the best stuff this time.  I bought the smallest bottle they had knowing I probably wouldn't use most of it.  

When the time came to start doing his laundry, it was a very interesting process.  I waited until Lincoln was at preschool. I cleaned the washer inside and out.  I cleaned the whole laundry room. I felt like it needed to be clean in order to bring his stuff in there.  I cleaned my room and made my bad so I could lay out clothes on my bed. I sorted what I had.  I decided to wash some tiny little things all by themselves because they were so special.  I didn't want them touching anything else even if they were the same color.  I set up a special place on the dryer to air dry most of the stuff.  It felt almost ceremonial. When I opened up the detergent I immediately remembered having Katelyn.  That detergent has a very distinct smell that I hadn't smelled in almost 10 years.  It was a little hard to smell it.  I wanted to light a candle and drown out the smell as first, but as the day went on, I didn't mind it.  It took me an entire day to wash just a few little things. I felt a little sad.

But later, as I began to carefully fold the tiny things and put them in a special bag (that I washed with the same detergent), I was grateful.  I was grateful because I had the chance to do this.  There are so many people who lose a baby who don't get the opportunity to plan and prepare the way I have been able to.  It felt like such a sacred and singular thing to do.  I was grateful to feel like I had what he needed and what I needed to feel comfortable. It was not a normal laundry day for me.