I knew that one of the things I had to do was wash all of Eli's clothes. I put it off until last week. I bought that really nice detergent (Dreft) for babies. I have only bought it one other time. It was before we had Katelyn. I thought you HAD to use that. I was a first time mom and didn't know any better. I soon realized that you could use any hypoallergenic, dye-free detergent and get the same benefit for a much lower dollar amount. Well, I wanted to buy the best stuff this time. I bought the smallest bottle they had knowing I probably wouldn't use most of it.
When the time came to start doing his laundry, it was a very interesting process. I waited until Lincoln was at preschool. I cleaned the washer inside and out. I cleaned the whole laundry room. I felt like it needed to be clean in order to bring his stuff in there. I cleaned my room and made my bad so I could lay out clothes on my bed. I sorted what I had. I decided to wash some tiny little things all by themselves because they were so special. I didn't want them touching anything else even if they were the same color. I set up a special place on the dryer to air dry most of the stuff. It felt almost ceremonial. When I opened up the detergent I immediately remembered having Katelyn. That detergent has a very distinct smell that I hadn't smelled in almost 10 years. It was a little hard to smell it. I wanted to light a candle and drown out the smell as first, but as the day went on, I didn't mind it. It took me an entire day to wash just a few little things. I felt a little sad.
But later, as I began to carefully fold the tiny things and put them in a special bag (that I washed with the same detergent), I was grateful. I was grateful because I had the chance to do this. There are so many people who lose a baby who don't get the opportunity to plan and prepare the way I have been able to. It felt like such a sacred and singular thing to do. I was grateful to feel like I had what he needed and what I needed to feel comfortable. It was not a normal laundry day for me.
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