Provo Tabernacle part 1

The Provo Tabernacle caught on fire a little over four years ago. Almost all of the interior was destroyed leaving a blackened shell of the original 1898 beauty.  At first, I wondered why this would happen.  I wondered why everything had to be destroyed like that.  There was so much history and personal memories that me and Jason have from that building.  Jason heard Elder Maxwell speak from the pulpit there the same day he received the Melchizedek priesthood.  He said that it felt personal to him when it was burned....like part of his past had gone up in flames.  I think a lot of people felt that way.

I feel God trying to help me understand something about my own life as I think about this seeming tragedy.  I don't mean to compare our family to the Provo tabernacle in an attempt to exalt us, but I have been able to draw parallels to my own life.

After Eli died our world went up in flames.  Most of the flames have gone out, but there are a few hot spots here and there. It happened suddenly...just like a fire usually does. I look around at what was left and it looks dark and sickening.  I thought, "Why would this happen?" We were doing okay.  There were beautiful things happening in our little tabernacle and we were really progressing.  It's not like we were a bar or a shady corner store.  We wanted good things in our "tabernacle" and invited them in.  Why did you burn it down?  All of that beauty is blackness now.  How can it ever be the same?  How can I ever be the same?  How can this possibly be better for me?  I have been very afraid that if even a small storm comes my way, the exterior will crumble.  There isn't much holding it together.  There would be no way to rebuild it.  It would be finished.

I thought when Eli died it would feel more like a room of the building was burned down. We would quickly put out the fire. It would still be painful.  We would still grieve over that beautiful little room that wasn't meant to stay the same, but it would be a room on the exterior of the building.  We might have a little smoke damage, but it wouldn't be destroyed.  I had no idea that Eli's room was in the middle of the building and that the whole place would burn down.  I was even ready with some fire hoses, but the fire was too intense.  It was too consuming.

 I have felt like I am a shell of what I once was.  I was surprised to feel this way after Eli died...really after we buried him.  I feel like part of me died and was buried along with him.  I thought that mothering my other children would save me, but it was the last thing I wanted to do.  I didn't feel capable or even have a desire to.  I feel like some of the foundation is left in me, but there is a lot of ash and rubble.  And the foundation has been rocked violently.

And here's the part that I wasn't totally prepared for:

We are in a very real battle. This life isn't for fun and pleasure. It is a very real battle between good and evil.  We are in the winding up scenes of the earth and the gloves are coming off.  We are in the last few minutes of the game.  It is intense and the opposing team doesn't play by the rules.  They aren't nice. They take cheap shots and persistently go after anyone on God's team.  I have felt this power more powerfully than ever before in my life.  It is thick and dark and almost tangible.  It isn't a figment of my imagination...that's for sure.  

I was in my basement a couple of weeks ago.  It was early in the morning and was dark and cold outside.  I knew that this assault against me wasn't the same as I have felt in earlier times.  It wasn't insidious or subtle.  It was malicious and blatant.  It makes sense.  My "tabernacle" has burned down.  If you are in a battle, when would be the best time to go after a stronghold?  When the walls are down.  When the defenses are minimal. You go in with heavy artillery.  You use every weapon you have.  You don't hide behind the bushes because you don't care who sees you now.  You are going in while your chances of destroying are as good as they have ever been.  

If you have ever had a weakness or insecurity or past experience that hasn't been dealt with, it will come out when the walls are gone.  You will feel more vulnerable and exposed than you ever have because you are.

And if Satan waits until the walls start to go back up, his chances will diminish because when they build the building up again...it's going to be even harder to penetrate. So, now is his chance to attack.  You better believe this is how Satan works.

I think people think that we are really sad that Eli is gone.  We are.  People probably I am holding a sweet little blanket and crying.  I am.  But there is  a whole lot more going on.  Every problem and struggle and insecurity is being attacked with full force.

There is a difference between sadness and despair.  Sadness comes from Eli being gone.  Despair comes when the darkness closes in.  You try to gather strength to fight back, but it doesn't come as readily as it did before; at least not from inside yourself. There is a difference between sorrow and darkness.  Sorrow is wrenching, but darkness is scary.  So I feel sadness and sorrow from being separated from Eli.  But I feel darkness and despair, at times, because of the battle being waged against me. I can't imagine anyone going through a horrific event and not having this happen to them.  They may not recognize who or what it is, but it is happening.  I think its hard to distinguish between Godly sorrow and despair at times.  They aren't the same thing, but when you are in the smoke, it is hard to separate them. I feel like I can deal with the sorrow and longing...terrible as it is.  But the battle is whole different thing.

For some reason, I feel like the pile of ash is all my responsibility.  I feel like I have to rebuild it myself.  I know how illogical that is.  It isn't like I "caused" the fire.  Even if we do "cause" the fire, doing it ourselves was never God's plan.  Jesus Christ already came a paid the price for us... because it was virtually impossible to do it ourselves.  But despite this knowledge, I look around and think, who in the world would want to set foot in here.  Especially when you could go to a different building that has a heater on and some reruns of Psych?  This place isn't feeling fun or pleasurable.  So when people tell me they WANT to be here, a part of me doesn't believe him. I don't want to be here, but I don't have a choice.  You do have a choice.  You don't have to be here. God is trying to help me understand this.  I am a slow learner.  It's not totally my fault.

The thing that saves me is that I already know who will win the battle.  We don't have to wonder if we are outmatched or outgunned; even, and especially when, our tabernacles are destroyed. We don't have to recoil in fear (even though I do sometimes...  I'm trying to sound like a brave soldier even though, sometimes, I'm hiding in a dark corner of the rubble hoping the enemy will just go away and let me clean up my mess in peace.)  God has promised to send people to our rescue.  He has promised to send people to shield and protect us if we need a little rest from the battle.  They will stand in front of you with their shield and take the heat for a minute so you can regroup.  This is absolutely true and has happened to me.  For some reason, I thought I had to do this myself.  The bullets and arrows started raining down and I wondered how I would ever protect myself....I felt weak from the burning of the fire and wondered why I had to fight the battle now....now that Eli was gone.  Wouldn't I be spared from the battle because I had given all I had to God?  Wouldn't he quench the fire quicker and send the opposing army away...because he surely has power to do that.  I thought I would be spared for some reason.  That was never a conscious thought, but it must have been there because I feel really picked on.

It's like ALL those movies with a depiction of a war or battle.  The "good" guys seem to be holding their own, but about 3/4 into the fight, things take a turn for the worst.  Things look hopeless and you fear they will be defeated.  You want them to win so badly, but the odds are against them and they are beginning to lose faith.  Then, the reinforcements come and save the day.  You weren't expecting them, but if they didn't come, you would be dead.  I have felt that. Only, this battle isn't in a movie.  It's real and its the only battle that matters in the end.  And some people are walking around, picking their noses, and don't even realize that we are at war.  It's probably all those people who are in the heated building watching reruns of Psych.

I have people ask me, "How are you doing?"  In what context? In the context of a blackened building and having my leg stuck under some rubble?  Well... I feel better than yesterday when my torso was stuck under the rubble, but it's still pretty precarious in here.  It you are asking me in THAT context I can give you an honest answer...but if you have no idea where I am, I don't know what to say to you. If there are people right next to me helping defend the fortress and are fighting off the enemy, I seem to be able to answer them most of the time.  If people are yelling at me from the safe outskirts of the building, I don't have enough energy to yell that far.  I'm not necessarily upset that you're not in here.  I just don't have the wherewithal to answer everyone...not until I am on safer ground.