Movement

I have found comfort in burning candles lately.  I am not a candle burner, normally.  I have few candles, and once in a great while, I will pull out the matches and light one. But it's pretty uncommon for me. I have burned through more candles the last two months than I probably have for my whole life.  I tried to figure out what about a candle made me feel better.  

There is the concept of light.  We cleave to light.  When I was holding the candle and walking into another room I noticed that it was harder for me to see what that light was doing.  It was too close to me.  But if someone else carried the candle, I could see the way more easily.  It was more clear where they were and what was happening.  I'll let you dissect that idea yourself.

But, I realized that one beautiful thing about a candle is that there is movement.  The flames moves, but the wax also sinks lower and lower as the candle burns.  It makes me feel like there is progression.  Something is happening.  It is not stagnant.  Maybe having the candle move is helpful when my movement (literally and figuratively) is so slow.  If I can't have movement, I want to create this in my own environment.  Something needs to be progressing...even if I don't feel I am progressing.

I used to drive around in my car, alone, when I needed some movement.  This wasn't done out of anger.  This happened most often to me during the time I got my car up until I married Jason.  There were lots of solitary car rides.  It is a familiar thing to me.  Why is that if you sit in a car for an hour and don't go anywhere you feel claustophobic, but it you drive around, with no particular place to go for an hour, you feel free?  It is because of the movement.  I have taken a few car rides like this lately.  I don't have the freedom I did when I was younger or I might make more of these car rides.  The biggest difference between the car rides I took then versus now is that I have a safe place to come home to and a Bose sound system.  I had never tried out the sound system before.  I tried it out.  Here is a good song for a drive such as this: 

(But if you can't turn up the bass, it's not even worth listening to...you can borrow my car if you need a good system to try it out on...)

Multiplied

Movement has been a comforting thought for me during this process. I feel like as I go through this process of grieving, I need movement.  Some of the movement may be up, some may be down, some of the movement is to places I have never been and didn't think I was capable of going.  But as long as there is movement, there is progression.  It was something that I understood before I had Eli.  I prayed that God would guide my heart where it needed to go.  Sometimes that means He will allow the darkness...sometimes it means He will bring light.  I asked Him to guide me where I am supposed to go and let me stay there long enough that it will be beneficial to my growth.  I don't want to stay longer than is needful in some places, but I understand that I have to be there long enough to let the place enter into me and change some part of me. Movement is the most important part of grieving for me.  If I stop moving, then there is a problem.  The places I go aren't the problem, it's when I get stuck.