physical feeling of loss

I was talking with my friend, JaLaine, the other day.  She recently lost her baby, Laena.  She was saying that things seem to take longer in the morning (getting ready, etc).  I liked her analysis of this.  She said that when she woke up, her body was sad.  It wasn't because she had necessarily recalled anything.  Her body just felt a perpetual sadness and refused to move as it once had.  I feel that sadness...waking and sleeping and most of the time in between.  It is heavier at times than other times, but it is always there.  It is a void that makes your body feel heavy.

In my previous experiences having babies, I always felt a sense of loss after delivering a baby.  It was surprising to me when I had Katelyn.  I felt a need to be near her, usually holding her all the time for a few months.  That worked out just fine because she constantly needed to be held, and I didn't have any other children to take care of.  I couldn't figure out why I felt that way, but it was undeniable.  As I had Ethan and Lincoln I realized that I felt a sense of loss because they were no longer inside me.  Part of me was gone.  It was okay, because I could just pick them up and fill that void.  I wanted them close to me; against my chest or nursing was the best way to fill the void.  There was a physical sensation of loss, but also a handy way to soothe it.

After identifying this pattern, I realized that when Eli was gone it would be quite horrific.  I already feel a sense of loss when I have a baby, so what is going to happen when I have a baby and he dies? It is quite a problem.

I woke up one morning several weeks ago and laid in bed... awake.  I felt the left side of my chest caving in.  It felt like someone had taken a very large ice cream scoop and dug out part of my chest.  I'm totally serious when I describe this.  It feels very physical.  I had felt this feeling many times before that day, but it was as intense as it had ever been.  I honestly thought that if I moved my body at all, it would cause more pain in my chest, so I laid there, motionless, for quite some time.  I kept hoping I could find some sort of putty to fill in the hole.  It felt physical enough that putty or caulk seemed like a viable option.

It's interesting, because I held Eli in one specific spot on my chest.  I was hooked up to IV's and a blood pressure cuff, so I had to hold him on my left side.  I normally don't hold a baby on that side.  But, that is where I held him.  That is where my body aches.  I think my spirit must ache for him.  I have heard of this "chest caving in" or "aching arms" feeling.  I didn't realize it was quite literal.  My arms don't ache, but my chest does.

Do you think if I held another baby, just like I held Eli, the ache would go away?

Well, there is an inordinate amount of babies around here, so I thought I would try out my hypothesis.  I waited until my chest was really aching to try it because I thought it would be easier to tell what was happening.  It didn't work. In fact, it felt really weird to hold another baby in that same place.  It was like I was trying to jam the wrong puzzle piece in the right spot.  It was very unpleasant.  I guess that is Eli's spot.  I will keep it safe for him until I hold him again.