Jeffrey R. Holland

We had our last ultrasound on October 28th.  We knew, without a doubt, it would be our last one.  We knew that we would have to pick the day Eli would be born after consulting with our doctor.  Every time I walked into the hospital to have an ultrasound, after July 3rd, I imagined the day I would walk in and head up to the 5th floor to deliver Eli.  I sat in the waiting room with Katelyn and Ethan.  It had become my habit to look at the floor or my phone and disconnect from what was going on around me.  But, for some reason, I was looking around that day.  I was looking off to my right thinking: "I hate this place.  I wonder if this is what hell is like..."  Now, I don't really think hell is like that, but it was the best way I could describe my feelings of angst to myself.  In my moments of contemplation I saw someone walk around the corner.  Guess who it was!

It was Jeffrey R. Holland!  I watched him for a second, trying to decipher if this was really him.  I realized that it was!  I watched him walk from my right, across the lobby, and out the revolving door.  He was walking fast.  It looked like he was on a mission...very focused; not a leisurely stroll.  Anyways.... I thought I should run over to him and grab him.  That is not something I would normally do.  I would feel too insecure to do something like that. But, I wanted to, and considered it.  I was REALLY big and had my two kids and didn't think there was any way I could catch him anyways.  I hoped he would stop by the valet and wait for his car, so I could walk out and talk to him.  I don't know what I would have said?  I sat there in a daze, stunned at what had just happened. "Maybe this isn't hell," I thought.

I was content that I had just SEEN him in my moments of anxiety.  Jason came around the corner and sat by me. I told him what had just occurred.  He asked where he went and I realized, very quickly, that he was going to try to find him for me.  I thought it was the sweetest thing ever, but was pretty convinced that he was long gone.  I appreciated what he was doing though... So, Jason walked outside looking for him.  He walked toward the parking garage.  He had almost given up hope when he saw someone walking back towards him.  At first, he didn't think it was Elder Holland, but as he got closer, he realized it was.  He quickly sat down on a nearby bench....maybe trying to look casual.  How do you approach an apostle?  Especially one who is walking so fast?!  When he came closer, Jason stood up and said "Hi."  (Because what can you say that is more eloquent than that?) Jason asked him if he was in a hurry and he said "kind of." Jason asked if he could walk with him and he readily agreed.  Elder Holland asked his name, and Jason responded.  He said "Hi Jason."  He explained to Elder Holland what I had been thinking while waiting in the waiting room.  He may have edited the exact wording.... Elder Holland responded that hospitals can be a tough place.  Jason asked him if everything was okay and he responded that his wife was there, but that she was doing much better. Jason was so happy he had asked!  Then, Elder Holland asked why we were there.  Jason explained that we were having our fourth child and that he wasn't expected to live.  We were there for our last ultrasound.  He stopped suddenly, put his hands on Jason's shoulders, looked him in the eye, and said "Jason, everything is going to be okay."  And then gave him a big bear hug.  They walked past the valet and Elder Holland threw his keys to the boys there.

I saw them as they came walking through the revolving doors.  Elder Holland had his arm around Jason's waist and Jason had his around Elder Hollands shoulders.  I have been told that my eyes were quite wide at that moment.  I could NOT believe that Jason found him and that they looked like old friends.  I immediately jumped up (as well as I could with my sizable belly) and hurried over to meet them.  Jason introduced me and I stuck out my hand to shake his.  He ignored my outstretched hand, and embraced me in true Elder Holland fashion.  I just started to cry.  He said that everything was going to be okay.  I believed him.  I felt like even though I had just met him, and had no personal history with him, he knew something about me that I didn't.  This may sound odd, but I was so happy that he didn't approach me with a look of sadness in his eyes and say how sorry he was.  I felt like that was the response I got from everyone.  It was appreciated, but I didn't need someone else feeling bad for me while looking at the ground.  I needed someone to skip over that and tell me it was going to be okay... someone who actually had the authority to say it!  I was glad he didn't preface his remarks by saying he was sorry.  I'm not sorry for the experience.  I'm not sorry I have Eli.  I'm not sorry for any of it.  I'm not even sorry for the pain....because it means I love him dearly.  I haven't enjoyed every second of it, but I'm not sorry to be Eli's mother.  I feel  privileged to be his mother; no  matter the costs associated with it. 

He released his embrace and looked into my eyes.  He put his hand on my cheek and told me it was going to be okay. He was very adamant as he spoke.  He spoke with fervor and resolve.  He wasn't just trying to make me feel better.  He didn't say it tenderly... he said it passionately.  I started to rambling on about how I hated this place, but then I saw him and decided that maybe I didn't hate it.  I told him I had read a talk by him just that morning; Cast Not Away Therefore Thy Confidence.  I wasn't trying to look extra righteous... it had been an answer to some questions I had, and I wanted to tell him so.  I couldn't believe the timing on that point. 

He turned to leave and then turned back and asked us to let him know how everything turned out.  We were left totally speechless. Of all the people in ALL the world, I don't know if there is another person that would have helped me more in that moment.  Who else could speak with that kind of determination?  I didn't need someone soft and squishy.  I needed someone who meant business and didn't mess around.  I needed someone that was loving, but firm in conviction.  I needed someone that I greatly admired.  I needed someone I could trust. I needed Elder Holland! I don't care a great deal for movie or music stars.  I can't even think of anyone I would really want to meet in the entertainment business.  So, Elder Holland is the biggest celebrity that I could imagine at that, or any moment.  The thing that was so amazing to me is that I didn't feel like I necessarily needed it at that moment.  And that's why it was so special.  He came before the moments of my absolute extremity to reassure me that all would be well.

The kids were just staring at us while we talked.  I was so engrossed in what was happening that I didn't even realize they were peeking over the waiting room chairs, until after he was gone.  I felt so bad that I hadn't brought them over to shake hands with him.  The kids asked if he knew us.  I said, "Now he does." He had  talked with us as if we were old friends.  Katelyn and Ethan sensed this, which is why they asked us.  I thought it so beautiful that he talked with us that way. He was so personal.  He didn't act hurried, even though is was obvious that he was.  He was sincerely interested in our family.  

We walked back to our ultrasound room.  Before the appointment, I had been nervous that Eli was still breech and that it would make the delivery more complicated.  I was worried about a lot of things. After we talked with Elder Holland I felt like saying," Hey...he's breech, he's not...whatever...Elder Holland said I'm going to be okay." I wasn't worried or scared.  I had complete confidence in his words.  I hang onto those words still.