Another story

We read two books to Eli. The second was: Guess How Much I Love You. I read this one to him. We have so many opportunities to read to our children if we only take them. What would be the last book you would read to your child? This is what I chose:

Little Nutbrown Hare,Who was going to bed, held

on tight to Big Nut down Hare's very long ears.

He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

"Guess how much I love you," he said.

"Oh, I don't think I could guess that,"said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"This much," said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms.  "But I love you this much,"he said.

Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach," said Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That is very high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.  I wish I had arms like that.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea.

He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.

"I love you all the way up to my toes!" he said.

"And I love you all the way up to your toes,"said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.

"I love you as high as I can hop!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.

"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare-

and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.  

That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the thrornbushes, out into the big dark night.  Nothing could be farther than the sky. 

"I love you right up to the moon,"he said, and closed his eyes.

"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. 

He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon-and back."

Back in July, shortly after we found out about Eli's diagnosis, I wondered how this would affect my love for him.  Would I not bond to him as much because I knew he was going to die?  Would I want to bond to him as much, knowing this?  I quickly decided that I wanted to, but wondered if my heart would hold back.  I wondered if I would guard myself...even if it was unintentional.  We went to his second ultrasound the last day of July.  I was so worried to go.  I was worried that they would look at what was "wrong" with him over and over again.  I saw him, and just melted.  Love poured from my heart as I watched the screen.  I felt so much love for him.  I couldn't have stopped it if I had wanted to...which I didn't.  I just loved him so very much.  
When we were at the mortuary I held him again.  I half laughed and half cried as I told Jason that I had once been worried that I wouldn't love him enough.  I knew this had never been a problem.  My heart was so tightly bound to his.  I didn't love him any less because I knew he was going to die.  I loved him more because I knew that my time to love him on earth would be so short...I wanted to fit a lifetime of love into the time I had.  Oh, I love him still.

While I read to Eli, I know he heard my words, but more importantly, he heard my heart.  Most children can ask for "just one more story..." He couldn't, but I read one to him anyway.