21 days

I always look forward to December 22nd.  December 21st has the least amount of sunlight of any day of the year...making it the darkest day of the year.  I like that day after this because we get closer and closer to more light.  I like this for literal and figurative reasons.  

I went to the cemetery on December 21st.  I take a picture each time I go.  As I was driving in that day, I had the feeling that this was becoming very familiar and routine for me...like a habit.  I have heard that it takes 21 days to form a habit (some people say 28 or 31 days, but that is besides the point).  I wondered how many times I had gone to the cemetery since Eli died.  I looked at the pictures I had taken on my phone.  I had been there exactly 21 times.   I thought that interesting.  

And another funny thing about the number 21.  Today is January 21, which Katelyn informed me is my half-birthday.  We don't celebrate half-birthdays at our house or anything, but Katelyn always seems to remember them.  I have a vivid memory of my actual birthday last year.  It had only been 6 days since we found out about Eli's diagnosis.  I remember those feelings very well.  Me and Jason went out to dinner.  We wanted to keep living our lives as best we could.  We had a quiet dinner and talked about Eli.  We talked about what we felt was right for him. Jason expressed the desire to give him a name and a blessing if time allowed.  

We went for a walk on along Provo river after dinner and talked. We talked about what we could put in his casket when he died.  We talked about burying him.  I remember our exact location and what the river looked like during each detail of our conversation.  We didn't talk about those things a great deal after that day.  We became too connected to him and the thought of actually putting him in a casket was sickening.  We decided to wait until we HAD to talk about it and trust that God would guide us through those things when the time came.  He did