One wish

If I had one wish can you guess what it would be?

Wish #1:
Would it be that Eli's body would be totally healed? No.  I thought at my first ultrasound that might be a good wish.  I have since realized that it would not be.  If Eli had a perfectly healthy and sound body he would live.  That is not God's will for him, so that is not what I want.  Of course, when we started out with this pregnancy that is what we wanted.  Doesn't everyone say "We don't care if it is a boy or a girl.  We just want a "healthy" baby." Some people really do care about the gender issue, but most everyone agrees on the "heatlthy" issue.  No one wishes for a baby with chronic health issues or a body so frail and weak that they won't even live.  That seems like a terrible mistake and tragedy. When you look at the actual person, things change a lot. Your paradigm changes.  When I think about a "generic" baby, of course I want them to be perfectly healthy.  I don't want a single finger or toe missing.  I want every single organ to work perfectly. I feel cheated or wronged if I don't get that.  Is is really a evolutionary "mistake" when part of someones body doesn't work?  A good chunk of my pancreas doesn't work. It makes it impossible to live without a constant infusion of insulin.  Is this a mistake?  I don't think so. I don't like it all the time, but it's not a mistake. But when I think about Eli, I don't think his medical diagnosis is a mistake.  It was very intentional by Heavenly Father.  He isn't supposed to stay on earth because he doesn't have to.

Its not that he doesn't "get" to stay here.
He doesn't "have to" stay here.

Is that really a tragedy?  Not really.  It's quite the opposite.  I'm not saying it doesn't feel like a tragedy.  It does.  But I would never wish a mortal experience upon him that he doesn't have to have.  I mean, mortality is great and all.  There is a purpose in it.  But, is this where we want to hang out forever?  I doubt any of us feel that way.  It is a test.  Tests are kind of sucky sometimes.  He already passed the test.
I have a depressing thing to tell you.  We are all appointed to come to earth at a certain time and we are all appointed to die at a certain time.  NOTHING we do will change this timeline.  If you are seat belt wearing, organic food eating, germophobic individual and you are going to die in a car accident or die from cancer it is going to happen anyways.  You can't stop it.  If you take great care to fireproof, and earthquake proof and tornado proof you house by building an underground bunker to save your life, and you are supposed to die, you will anyways. Isn't' that such a powerless thought?  Am I advocating that we stop wearing seat belts, take down the fences around our pools, and go sky diving? No.  I think that next to our agency, our mortal life is the most precious gift we have been given.  We have a responsibility to protect and preserve and keep our selves healthy and safe insofar as we are able.  We will be held accountable for these things.  I just feel like I used to have a false sense of security thinking I could save myself from terrible things by being careful and responsible.  If it is in God's plan, it will happen, regardless. I wondered when we found about Eli what had caused his chromosomes to split improperly.  They tell you that nothing you did/do will prevent or cause this, but I wondered a little bit.  Was is my multivitamin.  Did I eat too much kale (just kidding, kind of...).  I wanted to feel like I could prevent it in the future should be ever have another baby. Like, if I made the "right choice" this time it wouldn't happen.  I wanted to understand. They kept telling me... it just happens... you can't prevent it.  We don't' like those answers as mortals.  We are sure if we eat enough lycopene we won't get prostate cancer... I guess I'm safe from that, though.

Wish #2:
Do I wish we were having a different baby.  I mean a different spirit with a different plan for his/her mortal life?  Do I wish that my neighbor had Eli and I had her baby? No.  I don't want someone else.  I want Eli. He is part of me. I'm not jealous of anyone elses baby.  I do get jealous of the idea...only because that is the idea we all think will happen. We think...get pregnant, give birth, bring the baby home, and they grow up and live a full and healthy life. If one of these things doesn't happen, we feel like we got ripped off.  Like somehow God had promised that these things would happen in that order. I have looked and He NEVER promised us that.  He promised us a couple of things.  He promised that we could have agency.  He promised we would all be resurrected someday regardless of how obedient we are. He promised we would all die.  He didn't say when.  He promised we would be tested. He promised He would provide a way for us to come back to Him. He promised He would love us.  Nothing in there about having you "life plan" work out to your liking.

Wish #3:
Do I wish we had never gotten pregnant with Eli?  Do I wish that we were just content after three healthy pregnancies and three healthy babies?  I mean, we have both a girl and 2 boys and I don't have easy pregnancies with diabetes.  Why did we keep going?  It was never a question because we knew that our family wasn't complete.  I don't wish away this experience even though it isn't pleasant most of the time.  I am happy for all of the parts of it... or I know I will be someday.  Sometimes it feels like we will have 4 full pregnancies but only 3 kids and it doesn't make sense. But, I know that we really do have 4 children.

Wish #4:
Do I wish I could take away the pain I feel?  Not so much the physical pain, but the emotional and spiritual pain.  Sometimes, I wish that I could.  I think I was naive in my thinking.  Because I have trust in God's plan for Eli, I somehow thought that this understanding would shield me from a lot of the pain.  Maybe it has.. but it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes.  I thought that my faith sustaining me meant that it would hurt less.  I'm not sure if that is true. Sometimes I wish that the pain would GO AWAY and leave me be, but I actually don't wish this away either.  I have felt more loss and pain as time has progressed partly because I feel more connected to Eli.  When we had our first ultrasound with him I didn't' feel that connected.  I had only felt him move a few times... I was barely showing... I didn't know his gender.... he didn't have a name... it was more abstract.  Now I feel him every hour...his body is growing inside mine and I can feel it grow... I know that he is a boy... and I know his name.  He is mine now.  It feels different to know that your baby is going to die when they feel like they belong with you.  It is harder.  But, I don't want the pain to be gone either.  That would dissolve a lot of the connection I have to him.  I believe the pain will lessen, but I don't want it gone because I don't want my love for him to be gone.  The more you love someone, the more you feel like you have to lose when they are gone.  I actually was scared to connect with him because of this.  Its funny how I felt like it was more of conscious choice than it really is.  It is so innate and so natural to love your child. I do love him and this makes the loss harder, but I wouldn't want the pain gone because part of my love would go with it.

So... it sounds like all of the logical "wishes" I might have had, aren't even what I wanted.  What do I want?  I want to take all of the beauty and lessons I learn from this experience and leave most of the pain behind someday.  I want exactly what it happening.  I want to look back with an assurance that I acted and loved with out boundaries no matter the cost.  I don't simply want it to be over for the sake of being "over."  God helped me to change what I wanted after I connected and grew to love Eli.