I am at a loss for words. Its easy to write stuff about our "baby bucket list." I just throw on a few photos and write what a fun time we had... The end. Not much substance, so it doesn't require a great deal of thought. Even posting about beautiful and thoughtful gifts from people doesn't require a lot from me. Other things are harder to put on paper.
I guess the people around me are sensing, what I am very much aware of. Time is getting short. Eli is coming soon. I have had that line from "The Grinch" in my head. "I must stop Christmas from coming." But, like the movie shows us... it will come. We have had a recent influx of telephone calls, texts, gifts. People letting us know that they know it's close. At first, I wanted to hyperventilate. I realized that there were at least a few things that I was putting off until "later." I have realized that it is "later." I feel like there are so many things in my head that I can't put on paper. Some are too abstract or vague... some are too personal... some are too raw. Maybe I will share things later... I don't know.
I will tell you a few things that are going on in my brain right now. A couple of weeks ago I started to get really nervous. I realized that the time was at hand. No more of this... "when October comes" business. It is here. I knew it. I didn't like it at first. I could feel and see my belly growing and the days ticking with no chance of it stopping. Those feelings lasted a little while, but have been replaced with other feelings. Mostly peace.
Two days after we received the test results for Eli, I got a little white board that has lived in our basement for years. I wrote a scripture on it and put it by my bedside. My idea was to change the scripture every so often. I would put something on there that would help me through each particular piece of this journey. Well... I haven't changed the scripture one time. Not out of laziness. I just needed that scripture, and I need it more than ever now.
Doctrine and Covenants 123:17: Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then we may stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed.
I know that there are things that I can do right now. I can be his mother. I treat this pregnancy as if it were any of my other pregnancies...probably a little better. I haven't thrown in the towel because they told me he is going to die. It's not because I necessarily think that I can change the outcome. It is because he is alive now and I am responsible to do all in my power to give him the life he is supposed to have... even if it is very short. We have planned and prepared things to the best of our ability despite so many unknown variables.
But, on the flip side, there is so little we can do. Maybe that is part of the reason I like this scripture. I know that God's power will be manifest and I will see it. This is His plan. It will go just the way He needs it to and I will be more of a spectator than a person calling the shots.
The whole "cheerfully" part has been a bit of a challenge at times... sometimes is works, sometimes its not quite there.
But the next part is critical for me: "Then we may stand still...with the utmost assurance...to see the the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed." There is such power in the the idea of standing still and letting God work in our lives; Trusting him. Trusting the power that he possess and that His will can be made manifest to us. I can stand still and watch and listen to what he tells me. Maybe this idea is so significant to me because there really is nothing I can do to change Eli's outcome. I know that what "lies within my power" is pretty minimal. It helps me trust God and His plan more knowing that I really have no control.
I feel such peace and reassurance knowing that he will be with me every step of the way. I trust this. I absolutely know that there are many things I am completely unable to do myself. Usually I can muscle my way through something or "gut it out." This is completely different...Much more than I can handle. I am profoundly aware of that as I go through the different scenarios in my head. I feel that He has to be there to steady me and hold my hand during the unfolding of this process... especially the the end of Eli's life. I am no match for that kind of thing. I know that He will because He promised He would; so that it what I hold on to. I don't hold onto my own ideas of how to get through this...I hold His hand and He will take me through this because there is no other way.
I've always wanted to comment....but what can one really say? Keep your chin up....good luck.....nothing feels sufficient, especially from someone you barley know. I do want to say thank you though, thank you for reminding me over the past few months of Gods love for each of us....that he's there for us always. Many years ago I had an experience in my life that is both very different and very similar. I recall praying and even begging for comfort, for peace and strength when the time came. I know you don't need reassurance from me.....a stranger....but I can say that when that time came, Our savior was there....and he stood right by me....to calm trembling hands....to warm them when they became empty....to row my sinking ship back to shore. Thank you, thank you for awaking the remembrance that I owe Heavenly Father so much....
ReplyDelete