hour glass

If there was ever a moment in which I could stop time, it might be now.  I feel very connected to Eli...to his body...to his spirit.  I know that it can't stay like this forever.  As I watch my belly grow, faster and faster, I know that it is impossible to keep him inside.  I want to keep his spirit inside me as much as, or more, than I want to keep his body inside me.

It's odd, because there have been moments during this journey that I would have been okay for it to be over.  I didn't want to think about the same things over and over again.   I didn't want to live with uncertainty.  I didn't want to connect more, because my heart will break that much more.  I didn't want to watch the seasons literally change as I felt what was impending in my life. I just wanted it to be over.

I don't feel like that right now.  It is so real. We have planned out our weekends until  he is born.  We have planned things beyond when he will be born.  I signed up to go into Ethan's class and help several times in December and January.  I felt wrong in doing it.  I know that I don't actually know, with a certainty, what December and January hold, but I am pretty sure I know.  It's hard to think about Halloween because it is so close. In August it seemed so far away.  We were still going to 7 peaks. Our baby bucket list was long.  Now the days are colder and the list is short.  I couldn't put up my fall decorations.  I actually love fall. I love feeling the brisk air and the start of soup season.  I felt like if I left my summer wreath on the door, summer would last forever.  It's still there... but leaving the wreath there won't stop any of this.  I was a little offended to see Christmas stuff as Costco.  How dare they plan that far in advance?  As if life is just going on... of course it is.

I want to hold these feelings in my heart forever.  As painful and uncertain as it is, I feel a sense of fullness because he is with me all the time.  I want to stay in this moment. I want to bottle it up and preserve it, like it's peaches or salsa.  But you can't do that.  I remember having Lincoln as a newborn.  He would arch his little back when we would pick him up sometimes.  It was the most beautiful and perfect feeling.  I knew it would fade because he would grow bigger.  I was sad to think of that.  He did grow up and did other endearing things, but nothing quite as perfect as a newborn back arch and yawn.  I want to bottle the feelings I have with Eli up... and keep them forever.

We have know for several months that there would be a goodbye.  I feel like we should be more prepared to say goodbye, but I don't think you ever are.  If you love someone, you can never  feel like you are ready to say "goodbye." No one says it better than President Uchtdorf:

We Are Not Made for Endings

"In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."

I think we all have those precious moments that we don't want to end.  Maybe it's a conversation where you connect with someone.  Maybe it's a beautiful sunset.  Maybe it's when you first fall in love.  I think we all have felt the bliss of this and the hint of anxiety that follows; knowing that the moment will end.  But, we hope for more moments just like this in the future.  I hope for these moments.  I wonder how it will be someday when we live with God. 

In Alma 40:8 it says :"all is as one day with God, and time only is measured unto men..."

I wonder if all these blissful moments will be simultaneous or ever present before us.  I can't even imagine that, but it seems that this is an eternal principle that we can't comprehend yet.  I feel like because I am mortal...time is very really to me. Fleeting moments are very real.  Endings are very real... every though I know better.  My spirit knows better.