What can I say? Zezza (Zez, Zezzy) lives next door. Her name isn't actually Zezza and I'm not sure I know that whole story as to why this became her affectionate nickname. I'm not going to pretend like I know. Her name is Sierra. Near the beginning of her life, everyone seemed to call her Zezza. I felt awkward calling her this. I felt I was the only one who called her Sierra. I didn't think I was "close enough" to use her nickname. But after some time, I actually felt awkward calling her Sierra because I was the only one saying it (or so it seemed).
I'm not totally sure why, but Zezza has found a very special place in my heart. She is one of my little sunbeams and I think that has made the spot even more sweet. She is the kid who runs outside without her clothes on. It isn't uncommon to see her in rain boots and a diaper (at least when she wore diapers). Her hair is usually a ratted mess and she has an adorable grin with prominent front teeth. She has huge, sweet, brown eyes on her tiny face. And what a sweet little voice. She isn't confined by her tiny body....very tiny in comparison to Lincoln.... he could smash her if he wasn't careful, and sometimes he's not. She makes up for her size with her energetic personality. She can really throw a tantrum. I have seen MANY tantrums in my time, but she has actually scared me. I didn't know that was possible. And before you start wondering why she is half naked and doesn't have her hair combed....you must know that her mother, Lindsay, is VERY responsible. She clothes her and feeds her and fixes her hair and loves her. Zezza just takes off the clothes, spits out her food, pulls out her pony tail and screams anyways. It is NOT a parenting issue (in my opinion). I can't say exactly why I love her so much, but I do. I joke with Lindsay that it is so easy to love her because she isn't mine.
Zezza has talked to me a lot about Eli; honestly more than a lot of people I know. I think it has something to do with the fact that she also invited a baby into her family recently, so the concept of pregnant mommy and new baby resonated with her. She is younger than Lincoln, but seems to understand things a lot better than him. She understood the difference between a baby coming home and a baby dying....at least on some level. I guess I enjoy that she isn't afraid to say something about Eli. Sometimes incredibly blunt, but, nonetheless true and refreshing. Lindsay had, at one point, tried to quiet Zezza down. Zezza told her mom that I told her it was okay to talk about Eli....which I don't remember saying, but I certainly felt and must have communicated to her in some way. I'm grateful she isn't afraid to say that Eli died. He did. I will say it, but most people won't. It too blunt a word, but it is true. She will. One time we were talking about Heavenly Father in sunbeams and I was trying to explain to the kids that we have a father on EARTH and a Father in HEAVEN. They didn't quite get it and just kind of stared at me like I was a big liar. "Ummmm.....my dad lives in my house"....they told me. Then Zezza said, "I know someone who lives in heaven. Eli lives in heaven." Another time we were talking about something unrelated in sunbeams and she blurted out, "Eli died. But that's okay. He's going to be resurrected." I have no idea how she even knew the word resurrected, but she did and it was so sweet. She was quite expressive as she said it. She is always expressive. I love it. At one point she asked Lindsay if they could make us Valentines cookies to help make me happy because Eli had died. So thoughtful....she's only 3! It did make me happy. It made me happy that someone knew I was sad because Eli died.
I have found that my ability to have good friendships with people right now is pretty minimal. I feel like sunbeams is the right place for me. That age group is so healing to my soul. Zezza was being a little crazy in sunbeams a few weeks ago so I was holding her and trying to distract her. I started talking about my garden. I asked her if she would help me plant peas. She agreed. We did it today. I feel pretty capable of having a relationship with a 3 year old. They are always simple and usually sweet (and if they're not sweet, it's fine because they are only 3). Nothing is complicated. Not much is expected except snacks and hugs. Their "problems" usually boil down to hunger, fatigue or someone taking their toy. I feel capable of helping with those problems.
I have talked about Lincoln being such a good grieving buddy and I really mean that. He doesn't look at me weird when I don't fix my hair. He doesn't really care if I can carry on a normal conversation and I can talk about whatever I want with them. He doesn't expect a lot and is content to plant peas and let me hold him. I don't know what I would do without these sweet three year olds. It makes sense that we are commanded to become as little children:
"And again, verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become a little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)....for such if the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 19:14)
It seems like a good group to hang around with. It must make me feel close to heaven and that is where I want to be right now become someone I love is there. It is one of the main reasons I used to work in the NICU. When deciding where to work I reasoned that babies are the closest thing to heaven and I wanted to be close to that place. Knowing what I know now, I am sure there were and are many, many angels in the NICU everyday. I'm not sure I ever understood that while I worked there.
I just had to add in this pic of her hair. This is her "normal" hair style. I love it!
