When someone loves your child it does something different to
your heart than when someone loves you. It matters more and reaches a
sacred and tender part of you. It has a greater effect than anything else. At
least for me. I know that when I see someone doting on my kids or gushing
over this or that with them, I am filled with a deep sense of love for that
person. They are loving the most important and beautiful part of me.... meaning
my children.
That is how I feel when someone shows love for Eli. This is different than how people show love to my living children. They can't go up to Eli and squish his sweet chubby cheeks or talk about how big he is growing. They can't comment on his temperament or his sweet laugh. No one can really comment on a milestone he has reached or an upcoming birthday. I want to talk about him, but don't have any mundane things to say about him. I have plenty of things to say, but the venue isn't always right for that kind of talk and not everyone should hear it or CAN hear it.
I do love to hear his name. I talk to Lincoln about him a lot, because he never tires of what I say. I ask him things about what he thinks Eli is doing. I'm curious about what Lincoln will say, but mostly I just like to hear him say his name. (pronounced "E-why"). He seems to be under the impression that he watches The Incredibles with Heavenly Father, and today he told me that Heavenly Father makes him cookies. He seems to know that Eli is okay, because doesn't that sound like "heaven?" The Incredibles and someone making you cookies.
I love when people will talk about Eli; when they aren't scared to say his name and ask me questions about him. People who know me well know that just because I didn't see him for very long in the flesh, doesn't mean that I don't know him. I do. I know him in a different and deeper way than I know most people. It is not a superficial relationship. Everything is deep and meaningful. There is no fluff. That is how I like things anyways, but knowing Eli requires this. I ONLY know him on a deep and connected level. There is nothing else and there doesn't need to be anything else. What a beautiful kind of relationship; there is nothing else like it.
I love when I feel that people love him. There are people in my life that are able to express this and that genuinely love him. They know him because they know me. They understand that Eli is part of me. You can't fully love me without loving him. You can't.
But, you can't talk about Eli casually. You can't walk up to his car seat and comment on how his nose and mouth look just like Lincoln's. There isn't a car seat to walk up to. It is hard for me to see this in other babies and even children. You wouldn't think that blowing birthday candles out for another family member would be hard for me to watch. It really has nothing to do with Eli, right? But for me it does. When I see that, I know that he won't have that opportunity in this life. I will never get to watch HIM do that, even if I get to watch my other children do it. It affects me because my world seems to revolve around him right now. Seeing other babies is very hard, but even seeing other children is hard for me sometimes. Seeing my own children grow has caused twinges of pain. It seems backwards, but EVERYTHING I see is in relation to him and the fact that HE isn't here right now. In time, this will change.
I know this is harder because so few people met him. If you did meet him, you are lucky and I'm sure you know that.
I think people look at our "situation" and think, "How sad. That must be so hard." But, if you shift your focus from looking at the "situation" to looking at HIM, things are completely different. So few people can do this, because so few people know him or attempt to. If you know Eli at all, you can understand why I miss him so much.
Anyways, the saying goes: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I would add that the most important thing a person can do for a mother, is to love her child.
That certainly is the way to a grieving mother's heart.
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