I found out I was pregnant on March 21st....there's that number 21 again. Here is my story about getting pregnant with Eli:
We had Lincoln in 2011. It was a rough pregnancy (just meaning that I was very sick and wasn't sure how I would make it through to the end.) I remember being 10 weeks pregnant with Lincoln and just breaking down and crying because I didn't know how I would go on. I felt nauseated constantly. I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel awful. I felt awful at the beginning of the day, the middle, the end.... it never went away. There wasn't a "good" time during the day. It was 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for an entire pregnancy and that wears you down. I actually prayed that I would be pregnant with twins because I felt we would have another baby after this and didn't think I could do another pregnancy. I needed this to be my last pregnancy. I know that's not how it works and I was already pregnant, so..... I was just desperate. I didn't actual think I would magically have twins ; ) And then there's the diabetes issues. Every time I have a baby I go to the doctor afterwards to see if anything has progressed in relation to my diabetes. This would usually manifest in my eyes as retinopathy, but could also present in any part of me. It is a progressive disease that affects your vascular system....meaning it affects every part of your body. It is always progressing on some level, just as our bodies are always aging. I always need to make sure I am aware of any new developments before I dive into a pregnancy. I have been so blessed and have been relatively unscathed from my pregnancies, but it is always a concern. It requires constant vigilance while I am pregnant. I can't just run and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and not have it affect my blood sugars and potentially my baby. I have to be so careful and it is stressful to watch my blood sugars go crazy at times while forming a tiny human being.
Well, I finally had Lincoln and then the postpartum depression hit. It wasn't a mild little "baby blues" issue. I had some postpartum issues after Katelyn and Ethan, but nothing like this. This time was different. I'm not sure I knew how bad it was until I started to feel better. It lasted for a little more than a year. I knew we needed to wait awhile to have another child. I know that bringing a child into my family is a very big deal. The pregnancy affects everyone in the family and the post baby stuff affects everyone. It wasn't just me I had to think about. I needed to feel responsible and judicious about what I was doing. And Lincoln topped it off by being deciding not to sleep through the night until 18 months. Needless to say, we don't just get pregnant without a great deal of thought and prayer. We don't do it because we are trying to have a certain number of kids. We obviously don't do it because we are bored. We are not trying to fit some predetermined mold in spacing or quantity. We would only do it if is the right thing for our entire family. I felt that Eli was supposed to come. I felt more strongly about this pregnancy than I have about any of my previous ones.
Going into this pregnancy felt like a stretch. I get sicker each time and I have more kids to take care of each time. I was very nervous that the depression might rear it's ugly head after the baby came. I felt nervous, but I trusted God and knew that He would provide the way through the relentless sickness and the depression, if it came. I trusted Him, but knew this was not to be a small feat for our family. It would not be a small feat for me. But, I knew it was right and that there would be a beautiful addition to our family. I felt our family would be complete and the time had come for this child join us.
We were very excited, (pretty nervous), but mostly excited when we found out I was pregnant. I got sick 2 days after taking my pregnancy test; not even enough time to bask in the beauty of this beautiful life that was being formed inside me. It hit me on Lincoln's birthday. I will always remember that. My days of eating and drinking and standing up like a normal person were over for 9 months. But it was okay. It was more than okay. It was a blessing....such a blessing.
I went to my 8 week check and they did an ultrasound (which they had never done in any of my pregnancies). I became somewhat emotional as they showed me the little bean with a tiny heart beating away. I was surprised how emotional I was. It was a miracle. I commented to Dr. T about what a miracle it was. I told him that of all the children I had been pregnant with, this one felt like a miracle. It was such a privilege to create a life. I was so grateful for the opportunity to do this and didn't take it lightly. I felt that despite the physical and mental hardships, I had always been sustained and would be this time too. I anticipated that I would get through these challenges and be holding a beautiful baby in my arms.
I never could have imagined what lay in store for me.
