I don't think we often understand the frailty of life because everything we see is so alive. This was so apparent to me when I found out that Eli was going to die. I noticed life in everything....people, plants, insects. But I also noticed death more often.
Once you have watched someone die, you realize that life is so very fragile. It makes you feel more vulnerable. It makes you feel like God is in control. Not you.
I have read that people who are grieving a child, don't fear death. I can say I don't fear death anymore. It wasn't a huge fear before, but it was definitely a fear. Most grieving parents want to die at some point during the early aftermath. This is true for me. It's not that I wanted to take my own life. But, when someone you love dies, and you know the only way you can be with them again is to die, it doesn't seem like a bad thing anymore. It seems like your ticket to a reunion. It is your ticket. So, death isn't a big deal anymore. I'm not even worried about how I will die anymore. Death doesn't seem so abstract to me anymore. I have watched someone I love die. Something that is sacred has been twisted to be a scary idea. It isn't scary. It wasn't for me, at least. I thought that handling Eli's body after he died would be weird or scary in some ways. Again, this wasn't at all the case. It was very sacred. Dying isn't the worst thing in the world. Being left behind might be?
The other day I killed a fruit fly. I don't love killing bugs, but I also don't like them in my house. I don't usually go to extreme lengths to preserve their lives by taking them outside, but I do occasionally. I just don't like to end the life of anything. I feel bad if I have a plant that dies. If you saw my yard, you might not think it affects me because lots of stuff dies, but I just feel bad about it. I feel like if I had taken better care of it, it would have lived. Well, the other day I killed a fruit fly and instead of feeling a tiny bit bad, I thought to say, "Your welcome." This place sucks and you get to go on to something better. You are welcome. I see death so differently than I used to.
