Team G shirts

Before we got pregnant with Eli we had the idea to get "Team shirts" for our family.  Me and Jason wanted to use this idea of a team to help teach our kids certain principles.  For example, everyone has a "position" to play in the family, just like a team, and everyone has to do their job to make the team work.  Another example:  The team is more important than the individual.  We look at how our decisions affect our team and not ourselves.  If a team player is injured, and can't do their normal job, we all pitch in and help out.   I could go on and on.

When we found out about Eli's diagnosis we knew we needed to make our idea a reality. We went through quite a process to figure out just how to make these shirts.  What to do on the front/back.  We toyed with the idea putting our first names on the front of the shirts above our "G" logo.  We decided against it because we are all on the same team, so we should look the same.  On the back we have the year we were born.  I think it is fitting that me and Jason have the same number (81), symbolizing that we are unified and one in purpose.  I especially love the G that Jason picked.  It reminds me of a shield.  Our family stands a shield against the outside forces that might try to destroy us.  We protect each other and we are protected as we live worthy of our covenants.

We all wore our shirts to the hospital.  I remember how awful I felt when I had to take mine off to put on my hospital gown.  It took me a long time to do it.  I knew that the next time I put it on, Eli would no longer be protected inside of me.  I could have stayed in that shirt forever.

Eli wore a team G shirt after he was born.  He didn't have anything on for quite some time.  He was so tiny and fragile and putting clothes on him was not important or necessary.  There was one point where he seemed to be doing well and we decided to put it on him.  I got it about halfway on him and sensed that it was stressing him.  I almost pulled it back off.  I didn't want to cause him any discomfort.  I wondered if I was just being "cutesy" by having him wear this little onesie.  I immediately felt the impression that this was different.  I wasn't being silly in doing this.  It was different and it was okay to put it on him.  

Eli is buried in his onesie (along with some clothing over it).  I wanted him to be buried in something special.  If I were to die, I would be buried in my temple clothes.  I couldn't figure out what would feel right to me.  I stewed and stressed over it for quite some time while I was pregnant.  It was hard to think about this instead of the normal things an expectant mom thinks about.  But, I was grateful that I could take my time to decide instead of being blindsided when he died.  Finally the answer came.  This was the right thing for him.  It connects him to our family. I know it is just an outward expression, but it is very special to me.  It feels like a beautiful way to connect with him and makes me even more proud to be a Gause.

Our family wears the shirts on the 5th of every month.  I think we will always do this.  It symbolizes our connection to Eli, but the idea isn't solely built around his life and death.  I think Eli helped guide and direct us during the planning phases that occurred long before he was conceived.  It is supposed to continue and include him.  I don't know what the 5th of each month will evolve into for us, but it will continue.  I know I will always think of Eli when I wear my shirt, but it won't always remind me of his death even though it does right now. 

Katelyn has asked if he has a shirt in heaven that he can wear on the 5th of every month.  I told her that God can do anything, so I'm sure a Team G shirt is within his capacity.