I wrote this back in early December. I thought about it today.
"There is always something to be thankful for. I have been surprised by this.
I am grateful that Eli was born and died on the same day. It's not that I didn't want him here, but when I think of that day, I will think about his birth and not his death. There won't be two separate dates for this.
I am thankful that I have somewhere to visit that helps me to feel close to Eli. I never thought I'd be thankful to visit a cemetery, but I am.
I am thankful that we have the money to buy a headstone for him. There are some babies at the cemetery that don't have headstones. I'm not sure why. I wonder if it is financial issue. I' grateful that I have the ability to give him that (or give myself that). It just feels more comfortable.
I am thankful that this happened while the kids are in school instead of during the summer. I'm having a hard time doing very much and it would be much more difficult if it were summertime and they were home.
I am grateful for the timing of the seasons. The fact that it is winter makes me feel like the earth is mourning with me instead of mocking me with new blossoms and fresh growth."
I am grateful that I had those thoughts back in December. That was not a particularly light time for me. I wanted a harsh winter with too much snow and too much ice. It seemed appropriate. It didn't happen and we had a rather mild winter. I think we did, at least. I'm not sure how I feel about spring. It seems a bit premature for me, but I can't seem to stop time from moving forward. It snowed this morning and I was secretly happy about it. It felt like a relief... it made sense to see it.
