I used to wonder what life would be like after Eli died. I used to wonder when I would feel "good" or "normal" again. I even wondered that right after he died. "When will I feel like 'myself' again?" as if that were the most desirable thing. It's interesting where grief takes you. I don't really care if I feel like "myself" again. I'm not upset about who I used to be or how I used to feel, but that isn't really my goal anymore. I think my journey has helped me realized that I will never be the same and I don't even want to be. There are things that I do want back. I do want my naivety back, but that has been destroyed never to be rebuilt. I want some semblance of happiness back although I feel different.
My mind and my vision has been irreversibly altered. I see the plan of salvation in such a clearer and more concrete way. I no longer see "heaven" as a nice place "somewhere in the sky" or whatever I used to think. I don't even know what I used to think. I never thought about it in depth. I never had to. I think about it all the time now. My son lives there, so it matters very much to me. It isn't an abstract idea anymore. I am tethered to a place that I have never seen but is as real to me as this earth. Part of me lives there so it is tangible to me now.
I guess I realize that getting back to my "old life" isn't an option for me and that doesn't bother me anymore.
