Owning yourself

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.  

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I have struggled a lot with the social ramifications of this process. I mentioned, at one point, that I wasn't sure if I would rather have a "trial" be this public knowledge or not.  I would probably say no today and no most days.  But, I also realize that there are many additional lessons to be learned by the nature of this being public knowledge.  People have to respond in some way, even if there is no response.  No response is an equally loud response.  I NEVER would have invited this sort of thing into my life....meaning the public part.  I am certain of that.   And because I never would have invited it, I never would have learned any of this.  

I feel like I am learning to "own" myself regardless of how people act or react to me.  I am trying, at least.  There have plenty of opportunities for this.  Some people have been down right malicious, some people just completely ignorant, some people want to know and imagine, others won't even look at you for fear of being able to imagine, some people are kind and unafraid, some people are kind, but very afraid, and many people talk to me in reference to how this has affected them; which is valid in its own right, but hard for me to hear at times, because they seem to have a full resolution and I don't.   No wonder I want to go in a cave and wait until I heal a little more before coming out and facing this part of it.  Lots of patterns, lots of social science.  I'm sure someone has written a book about this;  A book about other people respond to your grief.   I could write a book about it.  I don't think I will. 

And what about this idea of "owning yourself?"  I like how he says that it is a "privilege" to own yourself.  It sure sounds nice and empowering, but what does it mean exactly?  Maybe it is a little different for everyone, but here is what is means to me today.  

You are the best person you can be regardless of how other people treat you or act towards you.  You are not influenced by how people view you and you do not make decisions based on how you think someone will respond. You make decisions based on what is right.  You are honest with yourself and don't justify your bad behavior when it might be easy to.  You treatment of other people has nothing to do with how kind or unkind they are towards you.  You don't let anyone change you except God.  You seek the change He tried to make in you even though it might be painful and difficult.  You are humble in this change even though the admission of your weaknesses might feel embarrassing (even though He already knows).  It might be embarrassing to yourself.  You don't do what everyone else is doing without consulting yourself first to see if that is what you should be doing.  You are in control of yourself.  

I think this takes time.  It takes quiet and stillness.  It takes communion with God.

Like I said, I am trying, but it is something worth paying the price for.