Facing Fear

I'm not sure what my worst fear used to be?  I think losing a child was pretty high on the list.  Maybe first or second. I don't know. I didn't usually review this list but kept in the back of my mind hoping that no one would see it.
Now, I feel like I have had to face this and I haven't been dodgy about it. I wanted to face it head on.  I know there is beauty in, at least, that, and I don't like the idea of running in fear.  It is unbecoming of a Gause.   As I have tried to do this, I have watched other people. 

Some  people are too afraid of their own fear to watch me face mine.  I think it is liberating in some ways to have this happen.  That sounds weird, but I'm not afraid it will happen because it already did. And being afraid of your worst fear can be worse than facing it in some ways.  You get to see it for what it is.  I think we run because it is an act of self preservation. It is hard for someone to stand by you as you grieve because they are too scared of their own worst fear.  People want to think that if they stay away from the thought of it, the sight of it, and reminder of it, that some how "fate" will overlook them and they will be go through this life without too many bumps or bruises, and certainly without an amputation.  I have seen this in myself.  I never would have even said (out loud) that one of my children might die.  It's too scary.  Its like you are tempting fate (as if that's what happens).  If I don't talk about it, it means I don't know about it, therefore it will never happen. I remember talking about life insurance. No on likes to talk about it, because you have to say and think things like, "If you die...."  and then you really have to think about it... at least from a financial standpoint. We want to stay far, far away from that.  I feel like I am less afraid now. I don't like to talk about people dying or terrible things happening, but I know it makes no difference if I talk about it or not.  Keeping quiet won't change the future.  I know that it is totally possible that another one of my family members could die.  I don't want them to, but I don't pretend like it couldn't happen (like I used to try to), because it certainly could. 

Maybe that's one of the gifts of this for me.  I see mortality for what it is.  I see it as temporary for everyone.

I also realize that there are worse things than death.