Mosiah 18:9 says: "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life."
I haven't always understood the difference between that first part, mourning and comforting, or perhaps I just read it too fast and thought it was one complete thought. It isn't. I should have FIRST mourned with those that mourn. Let that part happen. It is hard to comfort someone when you haven't mourned with them first. Or it is hard for them to feel that comfort. Of course, I am speaking from my own experience. "Mourning" probably doesn't appeal to some people. HOW do you do that? It isn't as easy to objectify as "comfort" so we do the part we can comprehend. I'm not going to go on and on about mourning because this part seems so spiritual in nature and people seem to get it or not. Wordiness doesn't help in this case.
Joseph F. Smith said:
Joseph F. Smith said:
It is a very difficult matter to say
anything at a time of sorrow and bereavement like the present that will give
immediate relief to the sorrowing hearts of those who mourn. Such griefs can
only be fully relieved by the lapse of time and the influence of the good
spirit upon the hearts of those that mourn, by which they can obtain comfort
and satisfaction in their hopes of the future. …
First the mourning comes, then the comfort comes....hence the scripture.
[To Elder Joseph H. Dean in Oahu,
Hawaii, President Joseph F. Smith wrote:] I heard with deep sympathy of
the death of your baby at home. I knew how to sympathize, for I passed through the
same kind of bitter experience myself while there. I would have written you,
but I judged you by myself and refrained from doing so. Under such
circumstances I feel more like going into some distant quiet, lonely retreat,
where no eye but that of God beheld me, and there, alone, feel and sense my
grief, God only knowing it. … Time, and time only—that great healer of
wounds—can touch my soul, and I think you would no doubt feel the same. But when
the first poignant throes of grief are passed and the soul is calmed by time
and fate, then a word fitly spoken may touch the tender chord of fellowship
flowing from heart to heart in kindred sorrows.
I love how he talks about going to a "some distant, quite, lonely retreat..." I expressed this idea to Jason before reading this. I told him I wanted to go somewhere.....maybe a secluded mountain in Tibet.....somewhere far away and just be by myself. I needed quiet and calm and peace and clearer access to the spirit. It seemed that my conduit up to heaven would open and close and open and close with the busyness and noise of life. Even the good busyness and noise made that connection seem less tangible and I needed to be alone because I felt that was the only way to keep it open. I didn't get to go to Tibet, but I have retreated in other ways.
Back to the idea of mourning before we comfort: It seemed that so few people that crossed my path did this, meaning taking time to mourn before comforting, making it more complicated for me. As I reflect back, I think that many people did this around the time of Eli's graveside service and memorial, but not as much after that. Perhaps they did this on their own, in their own quiet, thinking that doing that in front of me, or side by side with me, would be a bad idea? I think they were ready to move to the next phase....bringing comfort. I wasn't there yet. I wasn't there for some time. In fact, some attempts to comfort me were very hard to listen to. I didn't care that Eli was going to be resurrected someday. I wanted him back now! I was sad now! He was gone now! And, some people skip the mourning all together. I was probably one of them, in the past. What's the point to being sad for someone? What is that going to accomplish? I think a "doer" has a hard time with this idea. But, it is amazing how much strength can be felt from someone feeling part of your pain. That has been more helpful than ANY other thing. I know I need to be understanding that people are trying to help and doing their best. It seems that those that are receiving the help are supposed to see it as such and be grateful that it is there, whether it actually helps of not. Great, it you have a lot of emotional stamina and reserves. I had none. I have a little more now. I understand things a little better now and feel such strength when people try at all even if they say of do something that isn't helpful. Their intent and desire outweighs the actual action and words. I see this better now. I am trying to be patient with others I hope that others will be patient with me.
I still feel like there are times when I just need to mourn. When I need to cry and feel that yearning for Eli. There are times when I just want to hold him and love him and thinking about a distant day seems too far. Sometimes I am only living in that day; The day when I heard a newborn cry and it wasn't mine, but I wanted it be. The day when I saw someone with a tiny bundle in their arms and a glow on their face and my arms were empty and my head was hanging down. Days when it isn't necessarily helpful to remind me that he will live again someday. There are times when I am only thinking about today.
But how would a friend know the difference? How would you know if a person needs a mourning companion or comforter? I have no idea. Sorry. I just confuse everyone, including myself. I'm not asking for it now, but just stating something that wasn't so obvious to me before this. I see the difference of mourning and comforting and the necessity of both and that will change how I conduct myself in the future. I am grateful to have a different understanding of that scripture. I have received an excellent education in it.
I love how he talks about going to a "some distant, quite, lonely retreat..." I expressed this idea to Jason before reading this. I told him I wanted to go somewhere.....maybe a secluded mountain in Tibet.....somewhere far away and just be by myself. I needed quiet and calm and peace and clearer access to the spirit. It seemed that my conduit up to heaven would open and close and open and close with the busyness and noise of life. Even the good busyness and noise made that connection seem less tangible and I needed to be alone because I felt that was the only way to keep it open. I didn't get to go to Tibet, but I have retreated in other ways.
Back to the idea of mourning before we comfort: It seemed that so few people that crossed my path did this, meaning taking time to mourn before comforting, making it more complicated for me. As I reflect back, I think that many people did this around the time of Eli's graveside service and memorial, but not as much after that. Perhaps they did this on their own, in their own quiet, thinking that doing that in front of me, or side by side with me, would be a bad idea? I think they were ready to move to the next phase....bringing comfort. I wasn't there yet. I wasn't there for some time. In fact, some attempts to comfort me were very hard to listen to. I didn't care that Eli was going to be resurrected someday. I wanted him back now! I was sad now! He was gone now! And, some people skip the mourning all together. I was probably one of them, in the past. What's the point to being sad for someone? What is that going to accomplish? I think a "doer" has a hard time with this idea. But, it is amazing how much strength can be felt from someone feeling part of your pain. That has been more helpful than ANY other thing. I know I need to be understanding that people are trying to help and doing their best. It seems that those that are receiving the help are supposed to see it as such and be grateful that it is there, whether it actually helps of not. Great, it you have a lot of emotional stamina and reserves. I had none. I have a little more now. I understand things a little better now and feel such strength when people try at all even if they say of do something that isn't helpful. Their intent and desire outweighs the actual action and words. I see this better now. I am trying to be patient with others I hope that others will be patient with me.
I still feel like there are times when I just need to mourn. When I need to cry and feel that yearning for Eli. There are times when I just want to hold him and love him and thinking about a distant day seems too far. Sometimes I am only living in that day; The day when I heard a newborn cry and it wasn't mine, but I wanted it be. The day when I saw someone with a tiny bundle in their arms and a glow on their face and my arms were empty and my head was hanging down. Days when it isn't necessarily helpful to remind me that he will live again someday. There are times when I am only thinking about today.
But how would a friend know the difference? How would you know if a person needs a mourning companion or comforter? I have no idea. Sorry. I just confuse everyone, including myself. I'm not asking for it now, but just stating something that wasn't so obvious to me before this. I see the difference of mourning and comforting and the necessity of both and that will change how I conduct myself in the future. I am grateful to have a different understanding of that scripture. I have received an excellent education in it.
