She was such a support and strength to me through my pregnancy. She was always sensitive to me. She knew I was hurting and certainly didn't carry on as if I was fine. I really needed it. I knew I could depend on her.
When we started talking about the logistics surrounding the day Eli was born, I needed someone to take my kids. I needed someone who knew them well- who they were comfortable with. But, I knew that asking someone to do this was not asking an ordinary favor. I knew my kids would be extremely anxious and unsure (as we all were) surrounding this time. I wasn't sure what kinds of things they would ask Tawny. I needed someone who could field all kinds of life and death and uncertainty questions. I felt it was too much to ask anyone, but I didn't have much of a choice. I needed someone to be their mom (while I wasn't there) through this terribly emotional ordeal. I was so grateful she agreed to do it.
We talked a lot prior to this trying to figure out "possible scenarios." We didn't know how long Eli would live. We had to talk a lot of about the "what if's" surrounding his birth and death. I wanted this part of it to be as peaceful and sweet as it could be for my other kids. I wanted it to be an experience that strengthened our family and didn't cause them too much distress. I wanted them to feel how important they were as Eli's siblings. I was worried that if he were alive for a few days the kids wouldn't want to leave the hospital. I was worried he would die when they weren't there and they wouldn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't want to talk or plan the specifics because I just didn't know, but we had to have some sort of a "plan." Tawny wanted to know what I wanted. She needed to know what I wanted. She had to do this impossible task, and I wasn't even sure what to tell her. It was very difficult for me to talk about because most of my concerns related to the timing of his death, and that was very hard for me to talk about.
We talked about it as best we could. After all was said and done, the circumstances worked out just beautifully. The kids were there when Eli passed away and it was a very fluid and natural process. It was a beautiful experience for our family. I knew that Tawny would have to take them home after this event. She handled their questions and concerns as good as I could have imagined doing myself....probably better. I needed her to be their MOTHER while I wasn't there....not just a caregiver.
When we were at the hospital, the kids went down with my dad and Tawny to get some dinner. Katelyn told me later that she was very worried that Eli would die while she was gone (which was certainly within the realm of possibility at that point). She told me that Tawny told her that wouldn't happen. She kept assuring her. Katelyn asked me how she knew. I think an angel must have whispered this to Tawny. She DIDN'T know and wouldn't have presumed to know THAT. Just as the angel said, Eli waited until the kids got back before he left.
There was one particular moment at the cemetery where Tawny was in the right place at the right time and I really needed someone to be there. Me and Jason were driven to the cemetery in a car with Eli's casket. We were a bit late, as I couldn't quite bring myself to do what had to be done. Everyone was already there waiting for the graveside service. We parked the car and I knew the next step was to carry Eli's little casket to his grave. It was one of the things that I had dreaded the most. It was certainly the most public thing that I dreaded, but I wanted to do it. Me and Jason had decided to do it together. I lost all ability to control my emotions when we drove through the gates. I can't describe how I felt and I'm not going to try right now. I surely couldn't do this....not this. I got out the car and Tawny was standing right there. She just held me while I cried and told me it was going to be okay. I didn't think it was going to be okay, and I doubt she did either, but I needed someone right there at that moment. I finally composed myself and was able to do it.
So, what is it about Tawny that makes her such a wonderful person? I would have to say that it is her innate ability to love. She never has to force this because it is so natural. I thought of this scripture in reference to her:
Moroni 7: 46-47: Wherefore,
my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never
faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all
things must fail—
But charity is the
pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed
of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. It shall be well with her.
I understand better that, without charity, ye are nothing. You can do all the "right things:" go to church, pay your tithing, read your scriptures, say your prayers, but if none of that ever becomes part of you, if it doesn't develop this constant, pure love in you, it is all for naught. I understand that better after being around Tawny. I see that despite our weaknesses, charity is the thing we have to have to become like God.
She came to my house the day after I delivered Eli. I was in a daze and was still very much recovering from the previous day when I had given birth. I needed some womanly things that I hadn't gotten. My brain never made it past the delivery, so I hadn't prepared the things I would need when I got home. I didn't want to think about the time when I got home. She brought what I needed.
She was there to help with my milk coming in. She was able to help me through some of this with her kindness and compassion, but also through humor. Being able to laugh through some of that seemed unfathomable to me, but we did. I wonder now, how I was laughing, but I'm so grateful that there was laughter among the tears. I never asked her to do any of this.
Tawny has taken me out on many a Saturday to just talk. She has been so consistently caring and knows that I need her to initiate our little dates. I can make it there, but that is about it. I talk and talk and talk and she listens and validates and validates and validates.
I know I have left many things out and that Tawny is probably embarrassed a little right now, but I don't give empty compliments. It isn't in my nature. I'm not even sure I love this idea of public praise, because sometimes the intentions are off. But, I really did want everyone to know Tawny a little better. If I say I think the world of you, I really do. I love you. Thank you for marrying Justin. I may have benefited as much as he has.
