I was thinking the other day about when we first found out about Eli. It was simple.
Eli was coming to get a body. He didn't need to stay here and be tested. I had the privilege of providing that for him. I would miss him, but it would be okay. The end.
That is the simple version.
I won't write the complex version, but sufficed to say, I have written hundreds and hundreds of pages about it; about every little detail; every nook and cranny; new places inside me that I didn't know existed; dirty places in me that needed some cleaning; beautiful places in me that needed to be realized. It has been anything but simple. It has blasted a hole in my whole being and nothing looks the same anymore. I see things I never thought I would have to face. MY grief wouldn't be like that. I have fallen apart and acted in ways that I would never act. I have thought about things that no one would ever want to think about. I have done things that no mother EVER wants to do. It has become very complicated as I try to live in two places at once. It is painful as I feel the pull and need to live in mostly one place. I have felt darkness and pain that I never anticipated. I felt light and knowledge beyond my comprehension. I feel that I examine and analyze every tiny portion of this journey. Every portion of Eli's life, before he came, when he was here, and his life now. I examine my life in the same context. I try to understand what God has told me, what He is telling me and what it means. I am finding that I see the same things differently as time goes on. I get a new insight as I think about the same things over and over again. It seems there is a lifetime of information and learning to be found in the last 9 months. It seems there has been a lifetime of emotion in that time; sorrow, anger, gut wrenching pain, gratitude, depression, confusion, humility, pride (the good and bad kind). I could go on and on. I haven't wanted to leave one stone unturned or one path untouched. I wanted the whole experience. I am not hiding from it. I believe I am getting it. It is very complicated.
I started thinking about the nature of God in conjunction with this idea. I thought about how God is very simple in some ways. The doctrines of the gospel, the essential ones, can be understood by most children. God created us. God loves us. God directed the creation of our world. God wants us to return to Him, but we can't do that, in our fallen state, without an completely pure and clean sacrifice. God sent His Son to atone for our sins and give us the power to return to live with Him. God will not give up on any of us because He doesn't want any of us to be lost. The end.
But, God is also complicated. I think about the human body. The heart with its own electrical system; the eye with a self focusing lens; cells that automatically regenerate themselves. I think about the intricacies of our world; the climate, the food chain. I think about how God put us all on this Earth at this time and somehow intertwines our lives perfectly so that we can have the greatest potential to get back to Him. We couldn't even do that with one person. We couldn't have the right person see someone at the park and talk to them, or have the perfect song on the radio, or have the right co workers at the right time, or time the traffic to avert an accident and on and on. He does that with every single one of us. It is a highly complicated system that involves billions of people on this side of the veil and the other side. It is perfectly orchestrated. It is highly complicated.
I was feeling a little bit weird about the fact that I have made this so complicated. I thought, "I needed to go back to the original thought and stop over thinking everything." But, I also realized that there is beauty in it because we see things we didn't see before. We are aware of a blessing that we didn't notice. We learn a great truth that came after a tough question. I think we have to be both: simple and complicated, but for different reasons.
But, I guess in the end, it really is simple. Do I trust God or not? Do I believe that He can do what He said He could do? Do I believe that He will make ALL things work together for my good?
Yes
Do I need to understand the intricacies of His work to trust Him?
No
That's good because I don't.
