1,2 or 3

It seems like we have 3 possible immediate outcomes:

1. stillbirth
2. live birth with short life (meaning minutes to hours..maybe days?)
3. live birth with prolonged life (days to weeks?)

There are times when I feel like all of these outcomes are hard...probably because they are.  It was hard for me to wrap my head around each one individually because they are very different.  

I don't really think about him being stillborn.  There's not much to think about and no way to prepare, so I don't.  I know it could happen, but I don't try to process that idea.

When I think about him being born alive my heart leaps inside me.  At first, I was scared of this.  I was scared of meeting my precious child and then having him leave.  That seemed too hard.  I know that will be painful; much more painful than I can fathom, but I wouldn't trade that opportunity for anything...even less pain.  I realize what a sacred privilege that would be.  So then I thought, what would be the MOST IMPORTANT things I could do with Eli and my family if we only had a few minutes or hours.  I would hold him and talk to him and sing to him.  I might ask him questions. I would kiss his little cheeks and his little feet. Jason and the kids would hold and kiss and love him to pieces.  And then Jason would give him a blessing.  I would love for this to happen.  What a beautiful experience to bless this sweet and pure spirit.  I hope for that moment for Jason.  We would have someone take lots of pictures.

The third idea was very hard for me to grasp for some reason.  I couldn't bear to "prepare" things at home and then come home to an empty bassinet and itty, bitty diapers.  I almost decided not to prepare because it seemed so unlikely. 

I was finally able to do this as I thought of Eli.  I thought to myself "Oh, Eli.  I love you so much.  I want to see you and hold you and love you, but I don't know how long you will be here.  I am your mommy and I will have everything ready for you if you need it.  However long I get the privilege to be your mom while you are here on Earth I will prepare for it. Whatever you need, I will be here."

I was able to look past the thought of an empty bassinet and empty diapers.  I realized that carrying these things back to the basement wouldn't be the hardest thing I would have to do anyways.  It wasn't so much about physical preparation as feeling like I could be there no matter what he needed and not worry about how those unfulfilled expectations might affect me emotionally.