baby bucket list activity #11: Lowes Extreme Sports

Lowes extreme sports:

The kids love this place.  We failed to get a pic of the family, but here a couple short movies of the kids.  Eli didn't do any jumping but he did play a little basketball.

baby bucket list activity #10: Cascade Springs

Cascade Springs:
We started a fall tradition last year.  We went up to Cascade Springs (in Provo Canyon) to look at the leaves.  Our good friends, Jesse and Haley Hales and their family came with us last year and we decided to continue this tradition.  It seems like last year, we went a little to late and this year we went a little too early. It was still a beautiful place.

 I just thought Lincoln was so funny in the two pics above.  He is usually either super happy or super grumpy.

When you know your why, you can endure any how.

Amniocentesis results

We received our amniocentesis results. They confirmed that Eli has trisomy 18.

I got a phone call from a number that I didn't recognize. I didn't answer it. They left a message. I didn't listen to it. I thought it might be the pharmacy where I get some if my diabetes supplies from. I don't need anything from them right now, so I wasn't all that concerned about listening to the message. 

I was cleaning up my phone (basically getting rid if all of those red little numbers that tell me I have unanswered texts, unread emails, missed phone calls, etc.) I hate those little red numbers. I thought it was a little weird (and now I feel a little rude) to leave that kind of sensitive information on a message. It was from a genetic counselor whom I have never talked to. It was weird. I think they should improve they're processes a little better. It sounds like these "genetic counselors" are accustomed to giving bad news and don't seem deterred by the prospect of it. Maybe they should get some training in sensitivity or common courtesy. That being said, I might just be looking for a reason to be mad, I couldn't really be mad about the results, so the person giving them was the next best option.

I don't feel much emotion after hearing the results. I already knew, or felt almost completely certain. I'm didn't entertain the idea of the test being negative for more than about 10 minute total, which is saying a lot, because I constantly thought about the results from the first test. Constantly. It was even in my dreams, which is not a normal thing for me.  A few people asked me about the results from the amino  I had almost forgotten that we did it. It was not hanging over my head.  

The test will give us additional information about what type of trisomy 18 he has (there are 3 types, with 95% of them being a full trisomy. Full just means every cell in his body is affected). The type he has doesn't affect his prognosis. Just info, I guess.

Ultimately, I feel, on a spiritual level, that Eli isn't meant to stay here on earth. He doesn't have to. The test results on a piece of paper are less powerful to me than that feeling.

another doctors appointment

I had another doctors appointment yesterday. It was uneventful. Blood pressure fine. Eli's little heart is still beating away. I feel like they keep telling me that I can be induced early over and over again. It is getting old to hear this. I know (more than anyone), that I don't get to pick the outcome. They say it won't change the outcome. I get it, but I feel like I have a responsibility to do my part, as his mother, to let his mortal life play out as it will. That means protecting life and giving him the best chance to live, even if it's only for a very short time.

I feel like so many people... not just doctors, are treating him like he's already dead. He's not.

We really think we get to pick a whole bunch of what happens in life. Some things, namely creating and taking life are just not up to us. Society thinks to tell us otherwise. I feel like everyone is looking at me. The big, uncomfortable pregnant woman with too many hormones and not enough time. I think this should be a little more focused on Eli. This is his life after all. Don't get me wrong...I'm not mad at the doctors. They are just doing their job, and as far as they are concerned, I am the patient. It's just not the same to me.

blankets

We have two beautiful blankets for Eli.  They are identical.  I will explain.  A group called "angel watch" does some special things for people have or will likely experience a loss.  They take a blanket you have wrapped you sweet, little baby in and use the fabric to make a little stuffed bear  after your baby passes away.  It is a special memento for your family to have. They are planning on doing this for us, but we also wanted to have the actual blanket to remember him by.  As I began looking for blankets, it was a hard and interesting experience.  Nothing seemed to be "good enough" for Eli.  You can't just walk into Babies R'Us and buy some blanket off the shelf.  It seemed wrong.  I was hoping they had a store from the celestial kingdom that would magically appear, so I could go there.  It was too mundane and common grab a blanket with giraffes on it off the shelf and swipe my credit card.  I quickly realized that nothing would ever feel "good enough" so I had to make it feel as good as possible.  We went to the fabric store as a family, and picked fabric for the blanket.  I wanted something incredibly plain, because I know that HE is the precious bundle and not the blanket. I didn't want anything to distract from that fact. All of the cute fabrics are nice, but not what I was interested in.  

It is interesting how everything in life seems to be like this right now. All the fluff, and icing, and extravagance are gone.  It is all about simplicity, and pureness.  Life has a lot of "fluff" that we really can do without.
So, my wonderful sister, Heather, agreed to sew the blankets for me. She made them with love and I think they look absolutely perfect.  The kids were excited when we got them back from her.  Lincoln tried rolling around in it for a little while and we eventually had to put it away because I was afraid he would destroy it.  He has a tendency to do that sometimes.  Katelyn and Ethan felt each side and tried to decide which side was softer. It was very sweet.  Thank you Heather.

anytime

I had a bad day a few days ago.  Sometimes, it is best for me to talk to someone about it.  I usually call Jason first. Sometimes the feelings I have are so sensitive that I only want to talk to Jason.  There are a few other people I feel safe calling if he isn't available.  He does have to work sometimes : ) I called him and he didn't answer.  I called a few more people and there was no answer. I was distraught, but understood that people have other things going on and sometimes just can't answer the phone.  I knew that there was one person I could always talk to.  I have always known this, but it was so much more real this time, when I really needed someone there.  I know that I can talk to my Father in heaven anytime.  He is never in a meeting at work.  He never has his ringer turned off.  He is never stuck on another call.  He is simply always there.  I don't have to feel rushed when I talk to him.  Sometimes I worry about the time I am taking to talk to people because they have things to do.  For example, I feel like I can't talk to Jason forever because I know he is at work and actually needs to work. He has meetings and calls, etc. When I talk to my Father the reception is crystal clear.  I don't have to go to a certain room in my house so he can hear my clearly.  He understands much more than my clumsy words.  Even if I don't know how to express myself or am too upset to talk, he understands my heart.  It requires much less explanation to talk to him.  He knows exactly why I feel how I feel.  I don't have to explain the background leading up to my feelings.  I don't have to worry how I sound.  Sometimes I sound intolerant or angry or confused or sad.
I realized what a profound blessing it is to be able to have this kind of access to God.  I never have to worry if he will have time to talk to me.  When I feel desperate to talk to someone who cares, I know that I have Him.

"Prayer is a supernal gift of our Father in Heaven to every soul.  Think of it: the absolute Supreme Being, the most all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful personage, encourages you and me, as insignificant as we are, to converse with Him as our Father... He has created numberless cosmos and populated them with worlds, yet you and I can talk with Him personally, and He will ever answer." (Richard G. Scott...using the supernal gift of prayer)

Merry Christmas

Last year for Christmas, Jason really wanted to get me an iPad. He explained all of the really great benefits to having one. I wasn't sure how much I would use it and wasn't really sure if I wanted it at all, but there wasn't anything else I wanted,so I decided to give it a try. I don't care a great deal for electronics. Don't get me wrong... I have an iPhone and all, but I could care less if I have the latest and greatest. We recently got a larger tv,and I can't say it has enhanced my life at all. It has caused some frustration when learning the new remotes. So, I didn't think it would change my life to have an iPad, and I was worried it would sit on the counter unused. That hasn't been the case. The thing that has been most enhanced from having this handy little device is my scripture study. I can look at referenced scriptures in conference talks more easily, and take notes using the lds tools app. I like to take notes, but am very inconsistent because, in the past, I would use an old fashioned notebook and pen. Then I would lose the notebook and begin another one. It took forever to write things down and I would always feel like it was useless because I was never going  to go back and read it again. With my iPad i can just talk into the mic and it will record my notes for me. This has been revolutionary for me because I have a lot to say and would never take the time to write all of my thoughts and impressions. 

I have found that as I write things down, the spirit tells me more and more. It's as if I am saying "This is important enough for me to write down. I care about this." The spirit speaks more easily to me now as I ponder and pray and study. Maybe it's because I am physically showing that I do care about what I'm hearing/feeling.

So back in January, I entitled a section of my study notebook "especially for baby." We wanted to have another baby at the time, and I was anxious about the prospect because my other pregnancies have been hard. They seem to get harder and harder each time (physically), so I wasn't sure how this would go.  But, we did know that there was a little soul waiting to come down so it wasn't really a matter of if, but when.  I began to record impressions I had that I thought pertained or would help me through my pregnancy. I had other notebooks in my study section, so this was a rather specific way for me to keep track of feelings I had about our hopefully impending pregnancy. I want to share a few excerpts from that time as I feel it is quite interesting as I look back. Keep in mind that I didn't find out I was pregnant until March 21st.

1-6-14 
Maybe the greater experience is to have to walk through it w Him.

daily bread (D. Todd Christofferson)

He is mighty to save. He is the only "perfect helper" and "perfect" source of information we have.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich.

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.” Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and … faith [in] Jesus.” 

Continue in Patience (President Uchtdorf)

2-17-14
My body us a gift from God and is to be an instrument through which my spirit can work. It is meant to glorify God

2-25-14
It is a little presumptive to think that we know when His children are suppose to come here. We obviously need to seek His guidance and begin to try when we feel it is "time," but remember that they are His children first and He really does know what's best for them and for our whole family.

Ephesians 6:16 "Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked."

Use this shield to stop you from imagining the worst or creating terrible scenarios... Use your faith to remember that God is is control. He sees the end for the beginning...He has THE plan for your life and you can trust Him.

It is so interesting to look back and see how much I need these messages now... more than before.  It is so important to record our thoughts and feeling.  It can mean more than we think...

vinegar

Last summer I started an odd practice.  I would drink apple cider vinegar every day.  It claimed to help with allergies.  I have allergies that really bother me and they don't seem to be affected by any drugs I take (at least not enough to notice).  I read about this remedy and decided to give it a try.  It was disgusting, to say the least.  I would do in the morning.  If I didn't, I would talk myself out of it. I would drink a few tablespoons mixed with a little stevia.  The stevia helped a little, but it was truly hard to get down.  I would gulp it in one swallow and then sit over the sink rinsing my mouth out and spitting in the sink.  My kids would see me sometimes and just stare at me in horror.  Katelyn would ask. "Are you ok?"  I said "yes" matter-of-factly.  I'm sure I scared my kids.  Sometimes my stomach felt like it was going to reject the vinegar, but I always kept it down.

Why on earth would I do such a disgusting thing.  I believed it would help my allergies.  I figured that 60 seconds of nastiness was worth a decrease in allergy symptoms.

I have been known to drink other gross things for the sake health.  I drink a smoothie every morning and I put a wide variety of things in it.  Usually kale, a whole lemon, blueberries, banana and whatever else is laying around that no one will eat.  I use water to liquify it.  It is gross, but I know how good it is and it doesn't bother me to drink it.  Some people ask me why I don't make it taste better.  I know how to.  I just want those exact ingredients everyday and I know I won't eat them by themselves in that quantity.  I don't water it down with sugar or other things to make it taste better.  Having it taste good is not my goal.

Why all the talk about drinking gross things?

I feel like this experience is a lot like drinking vinegar.  It tastes gross, but I know how good it is for me and my spiritual development.  Sometimes that's not enough.  Sometimes I feel like everyone else around me is drinking a delicious glass of lemonade and I have a steaming thermos of vinegar.  The worst part is when people whine about their lemonade.  It's too sweet... its too sour...I don't have the right cup.  I struggle with this.  I try to remember how delicious my vinegar will be someday, but right now it tastes horrible.  I know that other people aren't trying to show off their tall glass of lemonade to me.  I just notice it because I don't have the same drink.  I know how sour lemonade can be.  I have had some sour lemonade and whined plenty about it.  

I am surprised to still feel sympathy, and sometimes empathy, for peoples different drinks, that seem far more palatable than mine.  It hasn't changed my ability to feel this and I am so grateful for this.  I think the difference is when people acknowledge that I am holding a different beverage all together.  It is then, when my heart is softened and reaches out to them in their feelings. It's amazing what a little perspective can do for you.

I bet you are wondering if drinking the vinegar worked for my allergies.  I did notice a dramatic improvement in my allergy symptoms.  

agents to act

It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important.  You have to do the right thing.  It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there'll be any fruit.  But, that doesn't mean that you stop doing the right thing.  You may never know what results will come from your action.  But, if you do nothing, there will be no result.
-Gandhi

amniocentesis and ultrasound #4

My perinatologist (Dr. D) called me last week and said she felt I needed to have an amnio done. This is where they take amniotic fluid out of your body with a needle and then test it. It is considered more accurate because they are actually analyzing the baby's DNA instead of my blood. I felt like we had already crossed this bridge when we got the initial diagnosis.  They told us that the blood test was 99.7% accurate and his ultrasound findings are consistent with his diagnosis.  I didn't feel like we needed any additional tests.

Beyond that, I feel like he isn't meant to be here on earth for very long.  This understanding of who he is, is more telling to me than the medical tests.  Despite this, we decided to just go ahead with the procedure.  Dr. D felt like, after taking with some other doctors, that we needed to be absolutely sure before making these huge life or death decisions about his care pre and post delivery.  Also, he doesn't have any massive malformations as babies with trisomy 18 often do. Me and Jason felt like it was a reasonable thing to do.  

Yesterday, I talked with Dr. T about it and he agreed with me even though he feels like this diagnosis is pretty definite.  He also told me that they sometimes do therapeutic amnios to relieve some of the pressure caused by the extra fluid.  I was quite excited about this prospect.  I have a lot of amniotic fluid and it is quite miserable. I was excited to get rid of some of it.  I talked with Dr. D about this.   She said they don't normally do it because there is risks involved with extracting a lot of fluid.  Of course. It makes sense.  

I am not very happy with Dr. T telling me this.  (I am mostly kidding, because I like him so much).  But I was a little sad.  That being said, I would never do anything to put Eli at risk for my own comfort.  I value his life much more than my own comfort and I'm sure most pregnant moms feel the same.  Dr. D said that we could even have him early if I became too uncomfortable.  How funny that a medical professional would say  this.  I just think that being uncomfortable is such a minor problem. I think about people who have chronic pain.  They don't have a purpose behind the pain like I do.  That must be incredible hard to deal with... no end in sight without a seemingly important reason behind it.  

I didn't particularly enjoy the procedure, but it was really ok.  We are supposed to get the results in 12 days or so.  One thing it will tell us that the blood test didn't, is what type of trisomy 18 he has.  There are three types (with 95% of them being full trisomy).  The type of trisomy doesn't necessarily affect their prognosis, so it doesn't matter a great deal.  It is just additional info. I don't think I will be preoccupied with this.  I'll let you know.  

They did a full ultrasound prior to the amnio.  I didn't know they were going to do this.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week which they cancelled.  I am kind of sad about it because we were going to take  the kids to that ultrasound.  Katelyn has especially been looking forward to it.  I didn't want to take them the amnio for obvious reasons.  Had I known they were going to do an ultrasound prior to, I would have brought them anyways and had them sit out in the hall when they pulled the needles out.  We do have another one scheduled for Oct. 6, so its not too far away. Here is what they saw on ultrasound:

Growth: He is in the 10th percentile. This is as good as we can hope for. He was at the same percentile last time we had an ultrasound. So he is basically measuring 2 weeks behind.

Fluid: Mine was 24.  Normal is 1-20.  They expect this and wouldn't have me deliver based on this finding alone.

Placenta: They usually check this and they didn't this time.  I didn't realize it until after we left.  I think I was too focused on the amnio.  I am assuming its fine because he is still growing reasonably well.

THANK YOU

I went to the doctor today and my regular OB, Dr. T,  was back!  THANK YOU!  I talked with him about everyone having different opinions regarding when I should deliver.  He gave me sound advice.  He seemed to understand where I am coming from better than the other doctors have.  I was soooo happy to talk to him today.  He said that the longest he would let me go would be 38 weeks.  At 38 weeks, there isn't the issue of "prematurity" so I wouldn't have to worry about that being in the back of my mind.  My thinking is that ANY baby born around 34 weeks would need some assistance to live, so if he did pass away I would always question if it was due to prematurity.  He understood that, for my own mental sanity, I need to give Eli the best chance.  I realize that I can't control the outcome, and delivering earlier or later may not even affect the outcome, but I have to do everything that lies in my power to give him the best chance at life.  
So, the plan is to let me carry him until he is 38 weeks unless Eli or I show signs of needing to do it sooner.  I am very comfortable with this plan.  (I will be 38 weeks on November 7th).

home depot

Another trip to home depot. Jason wasn't able to go with us this time.  I would not recommend taking 3 kids to home depot day by yourself.  And, when a three year old throws a tantrum with paint around, it can be messy.  I am still happy we went.  Katelyn wore Eli's apron and made a little bird house for him. 

baby bucket list activity #9: Temple trip

Temple trip to the Provo temple:

  I was at the temple by myself several weeks ago and had the impression that we needed to go to the temple as a family in honor of Eli.  As we were driving to the temple, I thought about how families gather prior to a missionary embarking on his mission.  There are several gatherings, but I think the most important is when we gather at the temple and a new Sister or Elder receives their initiatories and endowment.  It is always overwhelming for the family and the person doing the living ordinance (...for different reasons.  If you have been through the temple you can relate with both of these feelings).  I felt like this was what we were doing with Eli.  I know that he wasn't actually receiving his endowments, but I know that this is part of our progression to return to live with God again.  When they asked if we were there for a living endowment I almost said "Yes." It felt like I was. He is certainly progressing, as are we.  I don't know how this works in heaven... I haven't been there in a while and I can't remember, but I know that we are always progressing.  

This day was symbolic for him progressing in the same way we all progress when we go through the temple prior to our mission; whether that be to a faraway place or another place where God has chosen to send us.  For me, it wasn't to a faraway place.  It was back to the temple to be sealed.  God has a different, perfect plan for each of us. 

Eli will also leave on his heavenly mission soon.  I never thought I would have a missionary so soon.  I have heard many people, who have had a child pass away, say that they feel like their son or daughter is serving a mission on the other side of the veil.  I always thought  this was a nice sentiment, but never understood the reality of it.  I do now.  I know this statement is much more than a nice thing to say or envision.  It is true.

 I kept looking at the date (9-13-14) stamped on my name card and knew there was something significant about the date.  I racked my brain, and we discovered that it was the same day Jason left on his mission 14 years ago.We don't normally celebrate this date or anything, but maybe we will now.  I feel like this was significant.

We are missing a couple of people in the picture.  Tess and Jared left before we took the pictures : (

another doctors appointment

I had another doctors appointment today with my OB.  My regular OB is still gone, which I am not happy about.  I trust him the most and he seems to have all the answers.  They don't know when he will be back?  I hope it's soon.  My blood pressure is fine and his heartbeat was beautiful again.  I had no worries about it.  He is so active and I just love it.  It is so comforting and helps me feel more connected to him. 
I don't have a concrete idea of when Eli will come.  I get different opinions from different doctors.  My perinatologist just wants to keep watching Eli and me and says I could be pregnant for up to 39 weeks.  My alternate OB said that he wanted us to pick a day sometime between 34-36 weeks.  That is quite a difference.  He says the longer we go, the higher the risk of stillbirth.  I wish they had the same opinion because it would be a little easier know what to do.  He told me that there isn't really a "standard of care" for this situation, which leads to different opinions about it.  I don't feel like we can arbitrarily pick a day for him to come without a legitimate reason.  34 weeks is pretty early in my opinion, and  I would not be comfortable having him unless his condition or my conditions started to deteriorate.  I REALLY wish my regular OB  was available because, again, I trust him the most.
With that being said, I am not overly stressed about it.  I know that God will show us the way and help us make this decision. He has been there and guided us with each important decision we have to make, so he will be there this time.  I know that Eli has a plan and he isn't coming one day sooner or later than that  plan.  It's nice to know that someone with all the answers is actually in control, so I don't have to stress over my decision so much.

1,2 or 3

It seems like we have 3 possible immediate outcomes:

1. stillbirth
2. live birth with short life (meaning minutes to hours..maybe days?)
3. live birth with prolonged life (days to weeks?)

There are times when I feel like all of these outcomes are hard...probably because they are.  It was hard for me to wrap my head around each one individually because they are very different.  

I don't really think about him being stillborn.  There's not much to think about and no way to prepare, so I don't.  I know it could happen, but I don't try to process that idea.

When I think about him being born alive my heart leaps inside me.  At first, I was scared of this.  I was scared of meeting my precious child and then having him leave.  That seemed too hard.  I know that will be painful; much more painful than I can fathom, but I wouldn't trade that opportunity for anything...even less pain.  I realize what a sacred privilege that would be.  So then I thought, what would be the MOST IMPORTANT things I could do with Eli and my family if we only had a few minutes or hours.  I would hold him and talk to him and sing to him.  I might ask him questions. I would kiss his little cheeks and his little feet. Jason and the kids would hold and kiss and love him to pieces.  And then Jason would give him a blessing.  I would love for this to happen.  What a beautiful experience to bless this sweet and pure spirit.  I hope for that moment for Jason.  We would have someone take lots of pictures.

The third idea was very hard for me to grasp for some reason.  I couldn't bear to "prepare" things at home and then come home to an empty bassinet and itty, bitty diapers.  I almost decided not to prepare because it seemed so unlikely. 

I was finally able to do this as I thought of Eli.  I thought to myself "Oh, Eli.  I love you so much.  I want to see you and hold you and love you, but I don't know how long you will be here.  I am your mommy and I will have everything ready for you if you need it.  However long I get the privilege to be your mom while you are here on Earth I will prepare for it. Whatever you need, I will be here."

I was able to look past the thought of an empty bassinet and empty diapers.  I realized that carrying these things back to the basement wouldn't be the hardest thing I would have to do anyways.  It wasn't so much about physical preparation as feeling like I could be there no matter what he needed and not worry about how those unfulfilled expectations might affect me emotionally.

field trip

Me and Eli had the opportunity to go with Katelyn on a field trip with her class. We went to the Hutching's museum in Lehi and the pioneer museum in Provo.  I'm not going to lie... I was bored, but I was happy to be there with Katelyn and Eli.  It doesn't matter so much what we do... as long as we are together.

baby bucket list activity #8: aquarium

The Living Planet Aquarium: We took our family to the living planet aquarium last week.  We had never been before and were excited to go because Lincoln talks about turtles all the time.  He thinks that a turtle lives on the mountains to the east of us and frequently goes outside to see him. Sometimes the turtle can't be seen and Lincoln tells us he is sleeping.  No one in our family has any idea what he is looking at, but we talk about it at least a couple of times a day.  He loved seeing the real turtles.

terminology problems

I have a major issue with some phrases that we like to use and I want to tell you about it.  What is this business about a "post baby body?"  I am so sick of this I could vomit.  My ears cringe when I hear someone say to me or someone else, during the postpartum phase "Oh my gosh! You look soooo amazing."  To which the subject of this compliment usually tries to pretend that they are terribly modest and don't deserve such a compliment.  
Really?  This is sooooo amazing?  What about when you had an entire human being growing inside you? When you were a partner with God in creating a mortal body?  What that really repulsive to look at? Isn't there something far more amazing about that?
 But, in our culture, or society, or in our own brains, we think that there is something far more beautiful and attractive and definitely "AMAZING" about how you look when that little life comes out.  Like there was nothing beautiful about the miracle that just took place.  Oh, but now... .you look amazing!
I really think we should walk up to pregnant women and tell them how amazing they look.  Because if we are being truthful at all, that is the amazing thing.  Not how fast you can fit into you skinny jeans after giving birth.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we never try to get our "baby weight" off.  I think that's fine and probably the most healthy thing to do for our bodies.  We generally carry more weight around when we have a baby growing inside us for survival purposes.  I am all about working out and eating right.  But, what I can't handle is people saying they are "healthy" when they are really just vain.  We can do sooooo many things in the name of "health" that arne't healthy at all.  But everyone loves and agrees with being "healthy" so we can go on all sorts of weird diets and lose all sight of being "temperate" because we are trying to be "healthy."
You might just all think I am saying this because I am a rather robust pregnant women. If I lived back in the day when famines struck, my body has evolved to survive.  It's quite miraculous. Only now that we don't seem to have much of a famine, people aren't into survival of the fittest kind of bodies. Ha!  I understand what it is like to carry more weight around during this time and how that can affect you psyche. I think it is just good to examine what we value and our real reasons for "getting back in shape." 
Lets all start telling pregnant women (and our pregnant selves) that they LOOK and ARE amazing because creating life is one of the greatest privileges and blessing we will ever have as women.  It shouldn't be something we can't wait to be done with, so we can be "ourselves" again.

forgetfulness

People often say that the only reason you have multiple children is because you "forget" how hard it is.  You forget how hard the pregnancy is... you forget how hard the labor is... you forget how hard the newborn period is.  I tend to NOT agree with this theory.  I may not remember the exact feeling of pain or discomfort that comes from any of this, but I remember how I mentally and emotionally responded to all of these things. and work backwards from there to remind myself how it was.  I remember most of these events with each of my kids pretty vividly.  Most women can give you a play by play of their labor.  They remember if their baby was fussy or calm...if they slept a lot or never did.  You remember your emotions that went along with each phase.  Maybe I am trying to give women a little more credit.  I don't think we are a bunch of forgetful, ignorant women who keep getting pregnant because we "forgot" how bad it was.  Or maybe its just me...

baby bucket list activity #7: berry patch

Berry Patch

For family home evening we went to a berry patch close to our house.  We have gone the last couple of years and it is so much fun.  They have raspberries and blackberries, but we never seem to make in time for the blackberries.  They don't mind you eating as you go, which is the only way we could take our kids : )

Am I glad I know?

I have had lots of people ask me if I am glad that I know: yes, I am.  I am happy that we know what is in Eli's and our future for many reasons.  
I feel like there will be 2 distinct moments for us.  One is shock.  We already did that.  It was terrible.  The next will be loss.  I'm sure that will be worse.  I am grateful that these two very different emotions are spaced out a little.  
I am also grateful for some maternal and personal reasons.  I am happy that I am not busy picking out crib sheets and cute onesies, only to find out later that I will never use them.  I am glad that I won't have an empty room in my house that I might have been busy preparing for our new arrival. I know that if i bring a car seat home from the hospital it will be a surprise and a blessing instead of an expectation.
I am also very happy I know because I feel it has changed my outlook on this pregnancy.  I am grateful for every little kick and squirm inside instead of being annoyed that my back hurts and I am nauseated.  I am grateful for the deeply personal connection I feel to Eli, that I may have not searched for if I thought I would have him for a longer earthly life.  I think that all mom's can have this connection to their babies, but we don't always search for it in such a deliberate way.  We take for granted that oneness that occurs as a life if formed inside of us. I am happy that we get to take him on little outings with our family that we might never have done otherwise.  I am grateful for the personal, spiritual experiences I have had that have helped me understand who Eli is and what his mission is and how the family really is central to God's plan.  
We yearn so desperately to be connected to those we love and those connections will be lost if we aren't sealed in the temple.  I cling to the words of the covenants I have made in a way that I never have before.  It's all we have... and its all that matters in the end.

Miracles

We all love a good, ole' fashioned miracle, don't we? Don't we just love when someone in church tells  about when they received a priesthood blessing and were miraculously healed!? I mean, if they were feeling better a few days later, that's no biggie. We want a malignant tumor to disappear or someone to be raised from the dead. When we talk about Jesus' miracles we frequently cite him healing a blind man  (Jesus healing a blind man) or causing the lame to walk  (John 5:2-9). Why do we like this so much? Because it is quite dramatic, we can't logical explain it with our finite knowledge, and it is usually something that the natural man desires. Less pain, more immediate happiness! 
But, what about all of the other miracles that are less obvious and more subtle? Being able to forgive someone...that is a miracle. Finding the right person to marry...also a miracle in my experience. I said several weeks ago that miracles would come through this experience no matter what happened. If Eli was suddenly healed from trisomy 18, that would be a miracle. We would all get up in church and bear our testimonies about the power of the priesthood. Right? 
But, Eli hasn't been healed from this. So, how can we still believe in "miracles." Did God just say: "Sorry, no miracle this time." No. One of the first blessings I received told me that I would be happy with Gods plan for Eli. That feels like it would be a miracle for me. It wasn't that I could accept it, but BE HAPPY with it. That seems kind of hard sometimes because his outcome almost certainly involves his mortal death. That doesn't seem very happy. So that seems like it will be a miracle because it is quite dramatic and we can't explain it with our finite knowledge.

Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated.

The following is from a CES devotional talk by David A. Bednar (That we might not shrink)

"Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, deaf, or lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with His will. Thus, even with strong faith, many mountains will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated."

There have and will be many more miracles throughout  this experience.  I think that the greatest miracles are, so many times, more inward than outward.  Miracles that change our spiritual heart rather than our physical body.

Dr appt

I had another doctors appointment today. It was uneventful. My blood pressure is normal. Eli's heartbeat was perfect. He was kicking quite a bit before the appointment. I was happy. I decided that maybe I would just go into the doctors office and not look at anyone today (meaning all of the waiting room attendees who are great with child). It proved to be a great tactic. My regular doctor was gone : ( He broke his ankle. How inconvenient for me...just kidding. I was a little disappointed because I had a few questions for him. The doctor I saw is so nice, but I think he would make a great politician. I can't seem to get a definitive answer out of him. He does have lots of comforting and nice things to say, so I can't complain too loudly.

preschool

Lincoln went to his first day of preschool today. I really can't believe he is old enough to go.  He seems so little to me.  He loved it and had no problems saying goodbye.  It was really sweet.