I was concerned, but not overly so, at this point. When she came in and started going through the "concerning" items. It seemed to go on for eternity. It was one thing after another; starting with the brain, moving to the heart, and then the hands and leg bone. There were only 4 things but it seemed like the list never ended. She went on to tell us that the stomach, kidneys, feet,etc. looked okay. I remember thinking: "Who cares?! It that supposed to make me feel better? There is something wrong with his brain and his heart!?"
Then she told us that it could be trisomy 13, 18 or 21. She seemed most concerned with trisomy 18. She said that a baby with this would live for a month or less. WHAT????? We went from laughing and talking to... "your baby might die"? I asked if there was any way that this was nothing, and we could come back and everything would be fine. It felt like a stupid question but I wanted to ask. They actually said yes, that these could all end up being fine. I wanted to believe them... She asked us if we would ever consider terminating the pregnancy. It was a little much to absorb in a ten minutes conversation. That wasn't a hard decision and we said no. We had some additional tests we could do and we needed to make a decision as to what we wanted to do. I couldn't really understand what they were saying. What were the tests again? Is there a risk? How accurate are they? Is there a right answer? I just remember looking at Jason hoping he understood what they were saying. She sat there and then asked us if we needed some time to talk about it alone. I said we did... Mostly because I didn't know what was happening. We seemed to figure out which of the three tests to do and planned to come back the next Monday.
Then we had to walk out of the same we came in. But everything seemed different. I didn't want to be bawling when we walked out. I didn't want everyone to think "Oh, that poor girl. Oh, how sad." I also felt like yelling throughout the halls "Don't worry! You are all safe! It happened to me!"
The kids had made a box that said boy or girl on it. The plan was for me to come home with then box full of blue or pink things. I felt confused about what to do. I kept thinking it didn't matter what I did at this point, but I knew it mattered to the kids. I had to tell myself over and over that it IS a boy. That is something I did know at that point. So, I went to wal-mart. It was horrible! I wanted to get the stuff as fast as possible and just get out of there. I didn't care that I was totally crying as I was wandering the aisles. I didn't want to go down the baby aisle with the party supplies. I was hoping to find some blue stuff somewhere else, but in my foggy state I couldn't seem to find anything. I finally did go down the baby aisle and just felt sick. There were some blue balloons that said welcome baby. I wasn't sure if I should buy them. They didn't have any other blue balloons. I wasn't sure if "welcome baby" was going to happen and it made me scared to buy them, but I did. I went home and the kids were so excited to find out what we were having. I could barely stand. Jason had gone back to work to get a few things, but was supposed to be coming home shortly. I couldn't figure out if we should tell the kids what had happened or not. We decided to. I couldn't decide which news to tell them first. We told them that "bad" news first. When we let them open the their special box it was so sad and somber... Like it didn't matter. I know it does matter, but it didn't seem like that.
I remember driving home from the ultrasound and not being worried that anything would happen to me or Jason on the drive. The unthinkable had already happened, so we were done with that.
I wandered around the house most of the day and called a few people. We read a story about a little girl named Abigail that had trisomy 18. It is probably the best story I have read to date. I just couldn't quite stomach that their experience might be mine.
When your world comes crashing down, you feel helpless. It wasn't very many weeks after this that we learned of other families whose worlds had also fallen apart. It's almost too much to believe; I thought I was the only one. I thought everyone else's world was still spinning. It broke my heart to hear of other families close by, who were going through something just as scary and painful... maybe more scary and painful. I began to realize that everyone knew about my experience, but there are people with private, but just as horrific experiences to go through. I'm sure they feel terribly alone and scared. But, I do know that God always knows. He always understands.
I feel like I am forever changed from this experience. I understand that doing nothing is the worst thing I can do. I was always that awkward person who didn't know what to say or do when tragedy struck, and in my fear of offending, or looking stupid, I did nothing. I would think and pray for the person, but never go to them. I felt incapable and always thought someone more capable would rush in to help. I'm sure God sent other people because I was too scared, because he always sends people. I hope to be that person from now on.
Henry B Eyring said the following:
"When I was a young man, I served as counselor to a wise district president in the Church. He tried to teach me. One of the things I remember wondering about was this advice he gave: “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”
I thought then that he was pessimistic. Now, more than 40 years later, I can see how well he understood the world and life."
God sent us to help each other we don't have to be anyone special to give special aid. We just have to get over ourselves and trust that we can be instruments in the hands of God.
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