Drink it and be Strong

I feel like this sometimes. 

If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.

Like a broken vessel

baby bucket list activity #6: Ogden temple open house

Ogden Temple open house:
We wanted to go to the temple as a family and an open house would be the only opportunity for all the kids to go inside.  We were pretty happy that the Ogden temple open house is going on right now.  We had a few kinks along the way... like google maps taking us to an LDS church instead of the temple. But despite a few more obstacles, we made it.  It is such a wonderful experience to walk through the temple with your kids.  You can explain things in a different way because they have a concrete, visual reference point to start from. Things don't seem as vague or mysterious.  It is just truth.  The celestial room was as beautiful as I had ever seen. 
I love the conversations that spark as we talk about Eli and the temple.  Katelyn asked if Eli would know us when we got to heaven.  I told her that, of course he would.  He is her brother, just like Lincoln and Ethan are her brothers.  She asked how we would recognize him.  I told her that he would know her, and to her surprise, she would know exactly who he was and feel like he had never left.  Sometimes I don't know how to answer my kids questions, but as I begin to talk, the spirit teaches me beautiful truths that I may not have thought of otherwise.  I felt like my conversation was very casual, like we were talking about her first day of school or something.  But, I also felt how sacred it was.  I wasn't wondering if I were telling her the truth.  I knew I was.  I didn't have to think through it either.  It just flowed from my lips as if I had prepared the answer in advance.  
Everything we do in the church is supposed to prepare us to go to the temple.  Why?  Because the temple is central to the family, and the family is central to God's plan.  There is no church without the family.  It would just be another organization.  I cling to the covenants and promises I've received in the temple, right now, in a way that I never have.  I understand that I am sealed to Jason, Katelyn, Ethan, Lincoln, Eli and to God.  Nothing can break it.  That really is the only sure thing in life.  Death can't change that.  It isn't just a nice things to say so we can feel happy and have a sense of false security.  It is what binds us together and what binds us to God. Going to the temple and receiving these ordinances is worth every effort, every sacrifice.  I can't imagine how troubled I would be if I didn't know these truths with a certainty.  I know it more than I know anything else.
If you have a temple recommend, go to the temple.  Listen to what you have promised and what power God is giving you to keep those promises.  If you don't have a temple recommend, get one.  If you aren't worthy, get worthy.  Nothing you do in this life will matter more than this.
We go to the temple to be taught by the spirit.  We go to the temple to receive comfort and reveleation.  We go to the temple to work for our deceased familiy members.  We learn how to ask the right questions. We don't go to check it off our to-do list. You will get exactly what you put into it.

Here are some pics of our outing:  Ethan got a little smashed in the picture :(

Here is a little video clip showing exterior pictures of the temple.  I didn't realize that they were totally redoing the temple.  I thought it was just a little face lift. If you don't live close enough to go... or you didn't go, you should watch this!

odgen temple movie clip

Here is a talk by Russell M. Nelson outlining the purposes of LDS temples and how we prepare to enter them:

Personal Preparation for Temple Blessings

Squashed

There have been many, many people who have commented on how "strong" me and Jason are. I think it is interesting. I don't feel strong much of the time, and the strength I have is not of my own making. I sure of that.  Jason compared this trial to lifting a very heavy object over your head. Not everyone lifts heavy things over their head, just for fun, but Jason does...every once in awhile. Despite his masculinity, he would not lift something over his head that is far too heavy for him, because he doesn't want to hurt himself. You could get squashed if you overestimate your strength.
I feel like I this trial we are passing through feels much like a weight. A pretty heave one. Maybe like a semi truck or something. What would happen if you stopped lifting? We'll, you would get squashed like a little bug. It would be messy. You really have no choice but to lift it. I realize that we always have a choice, but the alternative choice could leave you seriously injured. We have to carry it.
I'm sure you have had thoughts in your life about "what I could never do..."
I have.
But do you seriously think that anyone thinks: "Yes, I think I would  be okay if my child dies..." Or "I could handle it if my spouse dies." Nobody thinks they can lift a burden like that.
Because nobody can.
It is like anyone of us trying to lift a semi truck. It isn't possible no matter how strong you are.
When you go thorough something unthinkable, you lift because it is the only choice you have. When you lift, God can help. When you expend you own best efforts, he will make up the rest.  And the rest is quite a lot. I have felt so many times that if I just try my best, he will lead me through the difficult moment I am facing. i feel like my best might not be much sometimes, but I know that he will make up the other 99% that I am lacking. He will give me the additional strength to stand. If we aren't willing to try, he can't help us. And even if we squashed, he can fix what we might see as irreparable damage. He can do that.
So it seems to me that your only choices are to lift it up or get squashed. I know Jason would say he prefers bigger muscles to yucky messes.

baby bucket list activity #5: Cabin retreat

Baby bucket list activity #5: Cabin retreat

We were able to go up to a beautiful cabin northeast of Kamas.  This was made possible by some very generous people that Jason works with.  We also had one of his good friends lend us his 4-wheelers!  It was so kind and we were so excited.  I have to be honest.  There have been some of the things on our baby bucket list that I do because I know that I will be happy one day that I did.  But in the moment, I would rather just sit home and do nothing.  Its hard to get up and act excited and happy when my heart is hurting.  I do it anyways because I know we will treasure these memories and we will feel closer as a family.  This experience was totally different.  I had such an enjoyable time.  It's not like I forgot about Eli or anything.  On the contrary.  You never forget what is going to happen.  I was able to remember, but truly be happy and enjoy myself.  We didn't have things "planned" like I would  normally do.  We just kind of went with the flow...which is DEFINITELY NOT normal for me.  Everything was just perfect.  The weather cooperated exactly when we needed it to.  It was amazing.  The cabin was absolutely gorgeous.  I have never been in mountains so beautiful.  Who knew this existed?  Jason and I have never been up in this area, and we kept looking at each other wondering why we had never seen this beautiful part of UT.  It may be the best kept secret in UT.  There are serene  little lakes everywhere!  I have never seen anything like it.  We took the 4-wheelers to a perfect little lake called Lily lake.  We also visited mirror lake and provo river falls.  We have too many pics to post, but here are some fun ones.  Thanks again to our wonderful and generous friends for making this experience possible for us.

Ultrasound #3

We had our third ultrasound today.  I felt MUCH better going into this appointment.  I feel like I have had sufficient time to process all of the information we have been given, which has helped my emotional state.  We decided to take Katelyn and Ethan because we thought it would be a great experience for them.  We left Lincoln home... he might have enjoyed it, but he is too unpredictable for us to take that chance, and I don't he would totally understand what was happening anyways.  Our tech wasn't my favorite.  I reminded every single  person who saw us that we needed the 3D ultrasound machine this time.  I usually wouldn't want to ask and ask and ask, but this is pretty important to us.  We asked her to do a DVD this time.  She said that the machine wasn't working so we couldn't.  That is obviously not an acceptable answer for me, because these images are all we will have and we don't even know if we will have another ultrasound.  We are supposed to have one in 4 weeks, but you never know!  So, I wasn't very happy and she wasn't very sensitive.  She tried the machine and the DVD ended up working.  I was very happy!
Dr. D on the other hand was phenomenal.  She has been so great.  She takes as much time as we need to answer all of our questions.  She was very kind to the kids (which goes a LONG way with me). She told them that Eli could hear their voices.  Now, there is a 50% chance that he can't hear at all, and she is, obviously, well aware of that.  She was so kind to try and make this meaningful for them and help them feel connected to Eli.  I have often wondered if he can hear us.  I figure it there is even a 1% chance he can hear my voice, I'm going to talk to him. She also showed us a great picture of his little fist all clenched up.  She said "Look at his fist!  He looks so determined!"  I was so grateful for her kind spirit, because both she and I know that the clenched fist relates to a neurological problem.  But, maybe, it also means he is determined.  I am just surprised when the doctors say kind things like this.  He was VERY active (as usual) and she commented on this several times acting reassured and surprised.  He loves to move his new little body. What a beautiful thing.

Here's what they saw:

1. Growth: he is in the 10th percentile which she was pleased with.  It was a little less than last time, but not enough to be worrisome.  I don't think they measure perfectly accurately each time either... so about the 10th percentile.
2. Fluid:  My fluid was "normal." Normal is 10-20 and mine was 19 cm.  So, I would say high normal. I  am kind of obsessed with this number because I feel like I have too much fluid.  I had too much with Ethan and it is a pretty distinct and uncomfortable feeling.  I don't really like 19, but its better than 30.  His stomach had fluid in it, which shows he is swallowing.  If he stops swallowing the fluid might go up, so they watch his stomach closely too.
3. Placental function: normal

The only thing she was concerned about was my "puffiness."  My face is puffy and I feel like my whole body is retaining fluid.  They don't worry so much about the fluid, itself, as my blood pressure, but, so far that is fine. I am an increased risk for preeclampsia (basically high blood pressure and all that goes with it) because he has trisomy 18.  I am also at an increased risk because I have diabetes. Nice. I have to go to the OB every week to have my blood pressure checked.
I was kind of annoyed about it because HE seems to be progressing well and the only concern was me.  I would really be annoyed if I had to deliver him early because of MY physical condition.  I never thought that would be a problem.
Here are some beautiful pictures of Eli.  I have never seen a 3D ultrasound image with any of my kids and it was amazing.  I was so very happy to see his precious little face.  It was a beautiful experience.

Fabric for blanket

Heather, my wonderful sister, is going to make a special blanket for Eli. Actually 2 special blankets.  I'll explain.  When he is born we will wrap him in both blankets. We are going to use one of the blankets to make a special bear after he is gone.  This is something special that the angel watch program does for us.  We think it will be a beautiful and memorable memento.  I didn't really want them cutting up the blanket because I would like to have that as well. So, Heather is making 2 identical blankets for him.  Here a picture of our family trip to the fabric store.

When your world falls apart

How does it feels when your world falls apart? I had never experienced the suddenness of that feeling until we went to our first ultrasound. Everything seems to stop and all of the things that mattered didn't seem to matter anymore.  When we were waiting in the waiting room we were talking about how rude it was that in our "culture" it was totally acceptable for a doctor to make you wait for 40 extra minutes, but you would never get away with that in any other industry.  Jason had to get back to work for a call and we were a little annoyed.  When the ultrasound started I sat back in my comfy seat and thought "This will be the last time I have an initial ultrasound (because we were done having kids...)... I should really enjoy this."  We were fairly chatty during the ultrasound...which is kind of abnormal for me. I was very nervous the morning before I left, but brushed is aside because I am always nervous.  I kept thinking "I just need to go have the ultrasound so I can be done worrying about this!"  When they told us it was a boy, I was very surprised.  I was trying to wrap my head around the idea of having another boy.  I joked with Jason that Katelyn was going to be soooooo mad and that Jason had a big job now with 3 boys.  I was in the clear.  I didn't even realize how long the tech was taking, but Jason did.  I just kept on joking and talking with Jason.  When the tech left she said that there were some concerning things and that the doctor would be in shortly.  
I was concerned, but not overly so, at this point.  When she came in and started going through the "concerning" items.  It seemed to go on for eternity.  It was one thing after another; starting with the brain, moving to the heart, and then the hands and leg bone.  There were only 4 things but it seemed like the list never ended.  She went on to tell us that the stomach, kidneys, feet,etc. looked okay.  I remember thinking: "Who cares?! It that supposed to make me feel better?  There is something wrong with his brain and his heart!?" 
 Then she told us that it could be trisomy 13, 18 or 21. She seemed most concerned with trisomy 18. She said that a baby with this would live for a month or less. WHAT????? We went from laughing and talking to... "your baby might die"? I asked if there was any way that this was nothing, and we could come back and everything would be fine. It felt like a stupid question but I wanted to ask. They actually said yes, that these could all end up being fine. I wanted to believe them... She asked us if we would ever consider terminating the pregnancy. It was a little much to absorb in a ten minutes conversation. That wasn't a hard decision and we said no. We had some additional tests we could do and we needed to make a decision as to what we wanted to do. I couldn't really understand what they were saying. What were the tests again? Is there a risk? How accurate are they? Is there a right answer? I just remember looking at Jason hoping he understood what they were saying. She sat there and then asked us if we needed some time to talk about it alone. I said we did... Mostly because I didn't know what was happening. We seemed to figure out which of the three tests to do and planned to come back the next Monday. 
Then we had to walk out of the same we came in. But everything seemed different. I didn't want to be bawling when we walked out. I didn't want everyone to think "Oh, that poor girl. Oh, how sad." I also felt like yelling throughout the halls "Don't worry! You are all safe! It happened to me!"
The kids had made a box that said boy or girl on it. The plan was for me to come home with then box full of blue or pink things. I felt confused about what to do. I kept thinking it didn't matter what I did at this point, but I knew it mattered to the kids. I had to tell myself over and over that it IS a boy. That is something I did know at that point. So, I went to wal-mart. It was horrible! I wanted to get the stuff as fast as possible and just get out of there. I didn't care that I was totally crying as I was wandering the aisles. I didn't want to go down the baby aisle with the party supplies. I was hoping to find some blue stuff somewhere else, but in my foggy state I couldn't seem to find anything. I finally did go down the baby aisle and just felt sick. There were some blue balloons that said welcome baby. I wasn't sure if I should buy them. They didn't have any other blue balloons. I wasn't sure if "welcome baby" was going to happen and it made me scared to buy them, but I did. I went home and the kids were so excited to find out what we were having. I could barely stand. Jason had gone back to work to get a few things, but was supposed to be coming home shortly.  I couldn't figure out if we should tell the kids what had happened or not. We decided to.  I couldn't decide which news to tell them first. We told them that "bad" news first.  When we let them open the their special box it was so sad and somber... Like it didn't matter. I know it does matter, but it didn't seem like that. 
I remember driving home from the ultrasound and not being worried that anything would happen to me or Jason on the drive. The unthinkable had already happened, so we were done with that.
I wandered around the house most of the day and called a few people.  We read a story about a little girl named Abigail that had trisomy 18.  It is probably the best story I have read to date.  I just couldn't quite stomach that their experience might be mine.
When your world comes crashing down, you feel helpless.  It wasn't very many weeks after this that we learned of other families whose worlds had also fallen apart. It's almost too much to believe; I thought I was the only one. I thought everyone else's world was still spinning.  It broke my heart to hear of other families close by, who were going through something just as scary and painful... maybe more scary and painful. I began to realize that everyone knew about my experience, but there are people with private, but just as horrific experiences to go through.  I'm sure they feel terribly alone and scared. But, I do know that God always knows.  He always understands.
 I feel like I am forever changed from this experience.  I understand that doing nothing is the worst thing I can do.  I was always that awkward person who didn't know what to say or do when tragedy struck, and in my fear of offending, or looking stupid, I did nothing.  I would think and pray for the person, but never go to them.  I felt incapable and always thought someone more capable would rush in to help.  I'm sure God sent other people because I was too scared, because he always sends people.  I hope to be that person from now on.
Henry B Eyring said the following:

"When I was a young man, I served as counselor to a wise district president in the Church. He tried to teach me. One of the things I remember wondering about was this advice he gave: “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”

I thought then that he was pessimistic. Now, more than 40 years later, I can see how well he understood the world and life."

In the Strength of the Lord

God sent us to help each other we don't have to be anyone special to give special aid.  We just have to get over ourselves and trust that we can be instruments in the hands of God.  

baby bucket list activity #4: Camping

Baby bucket list activity #4: Camping

We did this a few weeks ago, but I guess I forgot to post it?

I can't say that this was my top item on the baby bucket list... probably my most dreaded.  I previously vowed to never to camping while pregnant, but Eli needed at least 1 opportunity to go so I agreed.  We drove around for almost 4 hours to find a campsite.  It was crazy!! Apparently everyone in UT county really needed to go camping last weekend.  It felt like a roadtrip  with no destination and we weren't prepared to be in the car with our kids that long (not enough snacks or activities...).  Eli was a little upset because the car ride was much too long.  We finally found a place near Strawberry reservoir.  We set up camp and started a fire. Tawny made some popcorn over the open fire and burned most the hair off her arms!  We roasted s'mores and the kids ran around in the tall grass.  It is so easy to entertain kids while camping.  We actually slept well.  I couldn't believe that my kids all slept!  It was a miracle.  Eli was slightly uncomfortable, but he tolerated it.  The next morning we had a warn, delicious breakfast, cleaned up camp, and went 4-wheeling.  I was pretty nervous to go 4-wheeling in my present condition, but wanted to try.  Preston took us on a "smooth?" trail.  I'm glad we didn't go on the bumpy one.  I haven't driven a 4-wheeler in years and needed tutorial.  It ended up being a lot of fun once I got the hang of it.  Overall, I am so glad we went.  The kids had a wonderful time and we made great memories.

He is the cutest thing ever!  He would have driven the 4-wheeler if we had let him.

Here is Eli getting his first s'more

Doctor visit

I had a doctors appointment with another OB yesterday.  Dr. T was not available : (  I talked with the other OB and he said the same thing that Dr. T said about everything.  He was very sensitive and kind.  He acknowledged that some babies do live and go home with their parents, but that he had never seen that happen to any of his patients.  It was the same conversation I had with Dr. T with less words.  He let me listen Eli's heartbeat for a little while.  He said that it was such a beautiful noise and had a big smile on his face.  I am so grateful for these little kindnesses that mean so much to me.  You always get to see lots of pregnant ladies at the doctors office.  Sometimes this is okay, and sometimes its hard.  I feel like I look the same, but I'm not the same.  I have had the thought that someone in the past has probably been in a similar situation as me (looking like an expectant mom, but expecting something different), and I never knew.  Looks can be very deceiving; and I'm not just talking about pregnancy.  
I may have some of the same complaints as other pregnant women, but my complaints are also different.  For those of you within the sound of my complaints, you probably know that my nausea is getting worse. I really hate being nauseated. In fact, there have been several times when I'm not pregnant, that I think I am pregnant because of that feeling.  To me, nausea is only associated with pregnancy and I have been the lucky recipient of having that feeling more than most people.  As I was driving home the other day, I was thinking about how nauseated I was and how my back hurt and how it was just going to get worse!  I wanted to feel "good" during this time, so I could really enjoy my time with Eli.  I felt the spirit tell me that this kind of "pain and suffering" was consecrated.  I'm not sure if that's the right word, but I felt like it was  holy thing.  I began to look my physical ailments differently.  There was huge purpose behind it and it became a privilege instead of a burden.  I feel the privilege of being a partner in creation in way that I never have before.  I don't want to wish away any part of this pregnancy because it is all part of the experience of bringing life and eternal life to Eli.

Baby bucket list activity #3: 
Seven peaks
The kids love seven peaks, so we decided to take Eli there.  They wouldn't let him on any of the slides, but he was happy going in the lazy river and wave pool.

Photogenic

We have been taking lots of family pictures lately of all of our adventures. Prior to this, Lincoln was very uncooperative when it came to picture taking. All of the sudden, he is Mr. Photogenic. I just love it because he is so darn cute and we were never able to capture it on camera before. We affectionately term our family pictures right now "baby Eli" pictures. Everyone puts their hand on my tummy and we shoot the picture. The other day we were trying to take a different sort of picture and Lincoln automatically assumed he was supposed to run over and out his chubby little hand on my tummy.  It was the sweetest thing.  I just thought my heart would burst!

First day of school

Today Ethan started 1st grade and Katelyn started 4th.  They both seemed excited but Katelyn was a little nervous.  Ethan didn't seem nervous at all.  Katelyn carefully picked out her outfit complete with necklace and earrings and Ethan grabbed a wrinkled shirt out of his drawer with a big stain on it.  I told him that he had to wear a shirt without a stain and he was pretty annoyed that he had to change.  He was also annoyed that I made him fix his hair.  Katelyn was very specific about how her hair needed to be done.  It was a fun morning watching them and their differences.  I am sad that Ethan is big enough to be in 1st grade.  Kindergarten is so short and a full day of school is sooooo long for a 6 year old.  I was a little reluctant to leave him at school, but seeing him with a smile on his face made it a lot easier for me!

Doctors appointments

We seem to have a lot of doctors appointments.  This isn't unusual for my pregnancies.  I have type 1 diabetes, so I know that a pregnancy will involve lots and lots of time driving to the doctor or hospital for appointments, ultrasounds and non-stress tests.  In the past, I have left these appointments feeling grateful for the extra care, but nothing had ever gone wrong, so it was just another things to do. There was always a little anxiety, but it was basically another task on my list of daily things. The amount of appointments isn't really that much more, but the reasons are all different now.  A receptionist asked me at one of my recent a appointment if I was "high risk?"  I didn't know how to answer...high risk for what?  High risk for complications to the baby?  High risk for fetal death?
Every time I have a doctors appointment I cringe.  It's not like they are going to tell me anything worse, but its hard to have the relive the reality of this over and over  again!
Here is a synopsis of our recent appointments:

July 31: ultrasound #2

I already mentioned this appointment, but didn't tell you how I felt about it.  I was dreading this experience.  I didn't think I could walk back in to the room where we did the first ultrasound.  Luckily, they used a different room, but it looked exactly the same, so it didn't really help.  I didn't want them to point out each and every thing that was wrong with Eli.  They spent sooo much time doing that at the first ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech was nice enough, but didn't talk very much.  We were wondering if she knew what the diagnosis of our baby was.  I just want to make sure that everyone treating me knows, so they can be a little extra gentle.  I couldn't talk because I was sure I would just burst into tears.  I wasn't really sad; just overwhelmed with lots of emotion.  Jason was wonderful the whole time.  He said he was just excited to see Eli.  He wanted to find out if they could make a movie of him next time and use a better ultrasound machine because the images were so grainy.  They told us they would use their 3D ultrasound machine next time. The doctor came in a few minutes later and I started to feel much better as we started to talk.  She went through everything with us...his growth was at the 14th percentile, which she didn't seem concerned about.  My placenta was working great and I didn't have any extra fluid (all good signs).  I wasn't sure what to "want."  For a few seconds I had thought that a miracle might happen and they wouldn't be able to find anything wrong with Eli.  I knew that if this was going to happen, it would have, most likely, already happened.  I only entertained that idea for about 30 seconds.  All of the outcomes seemed so scary.  If he is not growing, he might have to be delivered early.  At the time, I wasn't sure if that would be the worst thing.  It would be over.  I don't feel that way anymore, but it was hard to know what I wanted at the time.  When I saw his little body, I felt a deep connection to him.  I knew he was mine.  It was very personal and very needed for my heart. They asked us how important a "live birth" was?  Basically, what were we willing to do to have him born alive?  She said that we needed to decide if a c-section was an option, but she didn't really encourage it because I have never had one and it wouldn't change his outcome. We knew we needed to decide this in advance. At the end she commented on how active he was.  She said that he wanted to be here..."Look how much he's moving! He's telling you he wants to be here!"  I wasn't expecting her to be so kind and encouraging.  Me and Jason felt like he was just happy to have his body.  There have been many times since that ultrasound that I feel him moving like crazy.  I feel him whispering to me "I'm still here mom."
 I left feeling exhausted and grateful that we had a decision to make, as weird as that may sound.

August 4: OB appointment with Dr. T

Dr T is just the best!  He has delivered all of my babies and has saved me from a least 2 unnecessary c-sections.  He has wonderful bedside manner and it so smart and so calm when it comes to "emergency" situations.  I feel like I have some authority to say this after seeing so many babies delivered while I worked in the NICU.  We would only go on the "emergent" deliveries and I saw many doctors functioning (or not) in these stressful situations.  I absolutely trust him with my delivery.  I was geared up for this appointment. For some reason, I thought is would last a really long time.  I wanted him to walk me through what would happen in the delivery and what kinds of decisions we should make.  It wasn't that long.  He said that he had only seen 10-12 of trisomy 18 AND trisomy 13 babies in his 15+ years of working.  For some reason that made me feel better.  When I go to Maternal-fetal medicine (ultrasounds), they make it sound much more common.  Feeling like this NEVER happens made me feel better...I'm not sure why.  He said that he had never seen a baby go home from the hospital with their parents in this situation.  I was a little surprised that he hadn't seen even 1..but I was glad he was telling us his actual experience instead of a statistic. We asked him about c-sections and he said that he had a hard time cutting into a healthy uterus when he knew the baby would probably die, but he would do whatever we wanted.  Before this appointment, me and Jason had talked about a possible c-section.  For a mother, I couldn't care less about a c-section.  Pregnancy and childbirth have so many sacrifices and a c-section doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  I didn't want ME to be the reason... because I would do anything.  It's hard to take that maternal feeling and balance it with the situation.  Jason had other concerns...mostly the same as the doctors and for my how I would be immediately after the birth.  We asked Dr T what the chances are of the labor, itself, being the cause of death for Eli.  He said that he felt it was very low...10% or less.  I told him that statistics aren't as comforting to me anymore since the chance of having a trisomy 18 baby is 0.05%!  I was kidding...kind of.  We know that God has a plan for Eli and we feel like if he were to die during the labor process we could accept that as God's plan for him.  Dr. T said that if a c-section isn't in the plan, then they wouldn't monitor his heartrate continuously during the labor.  This stressed me out at first, but I totally understand the reasoning for this. If they aren't going to do anything different, there's no reason to stress everyone out.  We asked about interventions after birth.  He said he felt it was best to do nothing besides the usual stimulation, drying, suctioning, etc. and possible blow by oxygen. He said that he felt this was best and the least painful for Eli, but he also understood that it is easier to say that as a healthcare professional than a parent.  We had to be able to live with the decision we made in the long run.  It made me feel better to have him say that this would be the best option for Eli. because that is how I feel. I told him that it was extremely important to me that Eli and Jason were with me the entire time.  I don't want him rushed off to the NICU.  He said that he didn't see a need for it and that shouldn't be a problem.  The whole appointment was just a reassurance of how me and Jason felt, but it was weird to hear it all so concisely said in about 10  minutes.  I left feeling sad, but reassured and less confused about the actual delivery process.
Also, he checked Eli's heartbeat while we were there and couldn't believe how active he was!  He couldn't find it for a second because Eli wouldn't stop moving.  I told him that this was normal for him : )

August 12: Neonatology

I was expecting this to be a nitty, gritty, statistics and physiology filled appointment with little emotion from the doctor.  I was completely wrong. We met with Dr. M, the geneticist.  I actually worked with her, and she wasn't my favorite.  Not the nicest creature in the world...anyways... I was nervous because I know she can be kind of crass.  I didn't think she would remember me and she didn't.  I didn't' say anything, because if people know I'm a nurse, they treat me like one.  I need to be treated like a parent right now.  She was so kind and compassionate.  I wasn't expecting it, and quite honestly, didn't need it from her.  This couldn't be the same woman I had worked with!!  I just wanted info and she didn't seem to have a lot.  She was supposed to me THE ONE who solidified all my current thoughts with her overflowing info.  Instead she acted like a social worker?  We asked her lots of questions that we had answers to, hoping she would expound more on these answers. NOTHING.  Here's what I learned (besides that she treats nurses different than parents).  Choosing to intervene or do drastic resuscitation measures doesn't seem to affect outcomes.  If a baby is going to live, they will live. If they are going to die, they will die.  So, if you are not appointed unto death, you won't die and vice versa.  I know this is true, but it is comforting to hear it from a NICU doctor.  With the technology we have, it seems like they try to  save everyone's life,whether or not they should.  It takes a lot of weight off our shoulders as we make the best decisions we can.  She made it sound like they can tell within the first 10 minutes-1 hr if the baby is going to live for a little while or not. One of the neonatologists will be there upon delivery and will do an assessment.  She said that going to the NICU is definitely a possibility to get a feeding tube or IV, where Dr. T said that wouldn't be necessary.  I like his answer better. I had never pictured Eli in the NICU up to that point.  I did after the appointment and I didn't like it.  If he is only going to be with us for a few hours or days, I don't want him in there.  I am more concerned with the quality of the time we spend with him and his comfort, rather than the overall quantity of time. Of course, I'm not opposed to the NICU!  I understand it's purpose and it usually saves lives.  If him receiving care in the NICU is going to make him feel more comfortable than being in my arms, I would definitely want this...but I have my doubts that it would.  But if his life can't be saved, why put him through the trauma! She told us all kinds of stories of survivors, which was not at all what Dr. T said.  It made us think about the possibility of him coming home a little more seriously. I left feeling annoyed and more confused.  

I bet you are tired after reading this.  I am too.

Acknowlegement

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
That has been the most helpful thing to me in this experience.
Acknowledgement of our situation.
Acknowledgement that we have tender and constantly changing feelings.
Acknowledgement that just because everyone's life continues as before, ours has stopped in many ways.
Acknowledgement that Eli is my son.
Acknowledgement that even though you don't know Eli yet, his life matters.
I don't need someone to understand how I feel or do anything extraordinary...just acknowledgement is enough.

How many?

Last night, me and Jason went to the temple. The sealer asked us how many kids we had. I said three. I haven't been asked that question yet; unless if was in conjunction to my growing belly... In which case the answer is three... because they always meant in addition to the little one inside me. This was just a simple "How many kids do you have?"  question. I felt sick after I said three. It is the number I have grown accustomed to saying, so I spit it out without thinking. I knew that I had four... Not a worry or a question if Eli is mine. I have lots of other worries and questions,  but that is not one of them. I can't imagine if I didn't have surety of this fact. We talked to the sealer after and told him that we did, in fact, have FOUR kids. I don't  know if he needed to know, but I needed to say it. It felt important to me to acknowledge the way things really are.

Baby Bucket list activity #2
Hang time
The kids love to go to a place called hang time.  It is a trampoline park with tons of trampolines and foam pits to jump into. They definitely wanted to share this experience with Eli.

My dear friend, Stephanie, brought these beautiful signs over to my house right after we learned about Eli.  I put them in very visible places in my house the next day, because I wanted these constant reminders.  They have been a great source of strength to me as I walk through our house.

Home Depot Day

Baby Bucket list activity #1:
Jason and Ethan go to Home Depot day every month.  For those of you who don't know what that is.... Home Depot has a kid workshop on the 1st Saturday of each month where they get to build a little project.  They get an apron with their name on it and a pin for each project they build.  It is a tradition that Jason plans to do with all of our boys.  Lincoln was almost old enough for this fun date with dad.  We know that Eli won't get the chance to go with the boys, so Katelyn acted as a proxy for Eli and built the project for him.  If you look, her apron says: Eli on it.  She even decorated it as if she were Eli...guessing his favorite colors for the painting portion. 

Baby Bucket List

A couple of weeks ago we had someone wonderful people come visit us from a group called Angel Watch. They talked with us about specific things that other families have done when faced with a challenge like this. One of their ideas really resonated with us. It was to do things together as a family while Eli is with us. That means right now!
We started a list of things we want to do that is now affectionately referred to as the baby bucket list.  It has made us feel a sense of purpose and empowerment because we are trying to do things that will bring us closer together as a family while Eli is with us. It helps us not to take one day or minute for granted because that is all we might have. And really, that is all that any of us might have with each other. We have the blessing of knowing this and have the opportunity to act on this knowledge, instead of being blindsided by it.
When we started talking about what things we wanted in the list, they were very ordinary. No sky diving (obviously) or exotic trips. It was everyday moments that we wanted Eli to be a part of. Going to the raspberry patch and picking raspberries, going on a picnic, playing in the leaves. Each member of the family had input, and it was fun to understand what each member valued a little more than I had realized.
We plan to post pics about these fun memories that we are making with Eli and will make a book so we can remember our adventures together.
We also came up with a list of foods he needs to try. This was a little more interesting. Ethan is sure he need a corn dog (GROSS!) and Jason is sure Eli will like hot wings! Ha ha! I will happily comply with all of these requests as long as he gets to try some of his mama's favorites too : )
We know that Eli will always be part of our family and we want to remember this time with him as a happy time instead of a time of dread and anxiety. Living in the moment one of the most powerful things we can do for others and for ourselves.

Mortals

This experience is just plain hard.

 It is exhausting but can feel empowering at times. It is depressing, and discouraging but also enlightening and purposeful. It is long and short, confusing, yet so clear. We have feelings of denial, joy, frustration, inadequacy, acceptance, disorientation, sadness...sometimes all in one day. We feel heavenly help and the powers of darkness.

We are filled with FAITH and know that in the LONG run this will be the thing that sustains us and gives us hope. But, we still live in a finite state and the day to day emotions, coupled with ceaseless responsibilities of work, kids, home maintenance, etc make this so hard.  I don't  want anyone to think that me and Jason are sitting around for 7 hours a day reading and praying and listening quietly to hymns. Don't think that our kids are perfectly behaved little creatures who listen the first time, clean up their own messes, talk respectfully (all the time) to us and their siblings. We are regular people who thought life was plenty hard before this happened. Our house looks like a bomb went off about 12 minutes after a deep clean,  Lincoln is constantly poking Ethan which gives him 110% chance of a scream, and I'm afraid that my normal patience level has been cut at least 30% since the pregnancy started. Here's an everyday example: The other day Ethan and Lincoln were sticking their lunch meat to the sliding glass door just to see how long it would stay there.  We are definitely trying our best, but we don't have it together all the time..hardly any of the time right now.

We understand what God is asking of us...but that doesn't mean that it is easy for us. We believe that he will provide the way for us, but that doesn't mean that we see it all right now. We are sad when we make preparations for his birth which feels like we are really making preparations for his death...knowing that we probably only need 1 blanket for him and 1 little outfit.

Just because we have faith in God and his plan doesn't mean that this isn't excruciating for us. I am still a mom. I still love Eli and I still want to hold him; I still want to rock him to sleep and feed him and dress him in cute little Adidas track pants. Knowing what we have to do doesn't automatically erase those desires and make this a flowery path with butterflies and cupcakes. It feels like the highest mountain I've ever encountered strewn with rocks and thorns and dangerous side roads...lots of rain and hail and frozen wasteland...with a promise of something afar off. We know that the promises afar off are absolute and our faith doesn't waver in this, but the immediate prospect seems more than overwhelming. Despite this, we readily acknowledge that each step up this mountain is made possible by the power God gives us to move our feet and the help and encouragement that he sends us through our wondrous friends and family. We have seen many flowers blooming despite the snowy weather conditions. And we can't wait to see the view from up there....

Name

We have decided to name our sweet little guy:

Eli Aaron Gause

Eli means: Ascend; My God
Aaron means: exalted, mountain of strength, and messenger

We feel so much significance with his name... for everyone reading this, we feel that "messenger" has particular significance. He has message for each one of us...several messages, really. We feel his spirit guiding us not only in his name, but in so many things we say right now.  The message is truly from him and we pray to be clear conduits to relay the message.

And Gause. Several months ago Jason was thinking about what a name means. This was before we were expecting Eli. A name used to be very significant. It defined you in many ways. For example, people knew that if you were a "Smith" you were a hard worker, or if you were an "Anderson" you were always honest, or if you were a "Jones" you could be counted on... He felt like names don't have as much meaning attached to them as they should. So, together, we set out to figure out what GAUSE was supposed to mean. It took us a few months of praying and seeking the guidance of the spirit to identifying so short, concise phrases that we could use to teach ourselves and our kids who we are. Here is what we came up with:

G: God first in all we do
A: Agents to act in righteousness
U: Understand and keep covenants
S: Stand immovable for what is right, no matter the price
E: Endowed with power to serve

1. God comes first ALWAYS; if we do this, everything else pretty much takes care of itself

2. We are agents to ACT and not simply to be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:14, D&C 58:26-29)
Elder Bednar talks about this quite a bit:

Bear up their burdens with ease

In the Strength of the Lord

We have been given agency... We need to use it to act...in righteousness.

3. We need to keep the covenants we have made, but how can we keep them if we don't even understand what we have covenanted to do? Understanding has to come first. I think that understanding our covenants is a process, but as we keep the part we understand, we will understand more and more what God is telling us.

4. Self explanatory

5. Endowed with power...what kind of power? The power of God! ALL good things come from God and are made possible by this power. Do we realize that this is the power of the priesthood? I think that we understand the "power of the priesthood" in such a limited sense. It is literally the power that God gives us to do everything good we do. Why has God given us this power? One main reason is to serve.

We are so happy to have a name for our boy!

You stop....you die

People have asked us on numerous occasions: " How do you keep going?" It's an interesting question and I wish I had something profound to say...

The other day I was walking across my grass to go into my house. I had the distinct thought that I could just sit down, right there, and never move again. I thought about it for a couple of seconds and realized that doing so would solve nothing and make matters worse. If you stop moving...you die.

You simply have to keep going.

I'm not saying that we just move on with our lives as if nothing is happening...or try to stay so busy that our minds are too cluttered to think about our situation.  You just keep going because you have to. The other option isn't really an option if you want to stay afloat.

Ultrasound #2

We had an ultrasound yesterday. Everything went well. Our baby boy is growing.

1. They looked for 3 main things:
Growth: He is 2 weeks behind in his growth, which puts him at the 14th percentile. They didn't seemed overly concerned with this. All of his body is growing at the same rate (which is good).
2. Amniotic fluid: I have the right amount of fluid (another good sign).
3. Placenta function: My placenta is still working great (another good sign).

He was very active during the ultrasound and Doctor D (our perinatologist) seemed somewhat surprised by this. I told her that he was always active and she said that was very reassuring. We will have another ultrasound in 4 weeks. We didn't get any good pictures, which was a disappointment, but they are going to let us use a 3D ultrasound machine next time, so we are hoping to see him a little better.
We don't know what the future holds, but he is happy, very active and growing in me for now. We are happy and reassured by this!!